Abrasive SpongeBob quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

Patrick

[sniffs] I'm going to miss him, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob

Me too, buddy, me too. But he's with his kind now, where he belongs. And on that note, let us go back to where we belong.

Patrick

Hi, SpongeBob, whatcha doing?

SpongeBob

I have turned poor Squidward into a frozen dessert!

Patrick

That's awful, how tragic, poor Squidward.

SpongeBob

This is all my fault!

Patrick

Did you say frozen dessert? [takes the white ice cream cone out of the freezer]

SpongeBob

Yeah, I turned him into a tasty soft-serve with a waffle cone. [cries]

Patrick

Oh, soft serve. [licks ice cream cone]

SpongeBob

PATRICK! STOP EATING SQUIDWARD!

Patrick

Oh, sorry. [licks it a few more times]

SpongeBob

Patrick! [Patrick licks it again] Pat...!

Patrick

[frantically] But he's so tasty!

French Narrator

It is a very special day in Bikini Bottom.

SpongeBob

I'm ready! [walking up to Mrs. Puff's Boating School with Patrick] I'm ready! I'm ready! Patrick, did you bring my flashcards?

Patrick

Right here, buddy. [takes them out of his pocket] Everything you need to pass the test is on these cards. [eats the cards] Mmm.

SpongeBob

No, Patrick!

Patrick

Hey, learning tastes good.

SpongeBob

Patrick, I needed those.

Patrick

Oh, fiddlesticks. You've taken that driving test more times than anyone.

SpongeBob

57 times.

Patrick

Well then, 58 is your lucky number. You're gonna pass that driving test, SpongeBob, because you're a winner.

SpongeBob

I'm a winner?

Patrick

Who's a winner?

SpongeBob

[sadly] I'm a winner.

Patrick

Who's a winner?

SpongeBob

[cheered up a little] I'm a winner.

Patrick

Who's a winner?!

SpongeBob

I'm a winner! I'm a winner! I'm a winner! [runs into the classroom]

French Narrator

1 minute, 37 seconds later... [SpongeBob walks up crying]

Patrick

How'd you do, winner? [SpongeBob's crying continues] Let's see that license.

SpongeBob

I didn't get a license, Patrick.

Patrick

Are they gonna mail it to ya?

SpongeBob

No, Patrick, I failed the boating test. I guess 58 wasn't my lucky number after all.

Patrick

No way! 58 is, like, the luckiest number ever! The test must be rigged.

Congratulations! You are the one millionth person to pass the test.

Patrick

Does this mean I win a free keychain?

Uhh, no.

Patrick

Oh.

You get a brand-new boat mobile! The new Bass Blaster 3000. The ultimate boating machine. [Patrick runs up to the new boatmobile as SpongeBob's jaw drops]

Patrick

Yeah! All right!

Women will want you. [all sigh] Men will want to be you. [all faint] You'll be the envy of your friends. [SpongeBob is growling in fury]

Patrick

Isn't this great? I got my license, and a new boat!

SpongeBob

I'm... so... happy for you... ["La Cucaracha" horn blows in his face] Whoa!

Patrick

The horn works.

SpongeBob

[Patrick is driving with SpongeBob when suddenly the green light turns red] It's a red light, Patrick! [Patrick runs through red lights] Patrick, you just ran three red lights!

Patrick

So?

SpongeBob

You're suppose to stop!

Patrick

[shows his license] I think the driving genius knows what he's doing.

SpongeBob

[finally snaps] Driving genius?! Would a genius make an illegal U-turn... through an orphanage?!

Patrick

They ran for it in time. What are you so mad about?

SpongeBob

I should've gotten that license! And this should be MY boat mobile!

Patrick

How can you say that?! If you were my friend, you'd be happy for me getting my license!

SpongeBob

If you were my friend, you wouldn't rub your license in my face!

Patrick

I'm not rubbing my license in your face! This is rubbing my license in your face! [takes out license and rubs it in SpongeBob's face--literally--which makes muffled noises]

SpongeBob

[fixes his face and then takes Patrick's license from his hand] Oh, give me that! I worked my whole life for this! You don't deserve this! [tears up Patrick's license and laughs. The pieces of the license fly into the cop's hands]

Huh, litterbugs. This is why I joined the force. [drives off after SpongeBob and Patrick]

It's the police!

[over speaker] Pull it over, litterbug!

Patrick

Litterbug?! No! [drives faster]

Ooh, I got me a runner. [a bunch of police cars follow him]

SpongeBob

Patrick, what do you think you're doing?!

Patrick

I don't know! I don't have a license anymore! [drives around a car]

SpongeBob

Look out! [Patrick drives through a sign, then off a cliff into the front lot of the Bikini Bottom Jail]

SpongeBob

Patrick!

Patrick

SpongeBob! [both hug]

SpongeBob

I'm glad you passed the test. I'm glad you have a license. And to prove it, I made you this: Pals 4 Ever. [shows him a license plate that reads "PALS 4 EVER"] Let's put it on your boat mobile, buddy.

Patrick

Oh, I don't have the boat mobile anymore.

SpongeBob

What?

Patrick

It stopped workin' so I threw it away. The needle was on E, and I figured that must mean "end."

SpongeBob

Oh, then... what do we do with this? [Patrick takes it and puts it on his behind]

Patrick

How's that?

SpongeBob

Yeah!

Patrick

Ready, buddy?

SpongeBob

Ready, pal. [hops on Patrick's shoulders and makes car noises] Woo! Woo!

SpongeBob

Good townspeople, let us rejoice in welcoming our new king.

Patrick

[enters, wearing his crown and a royal cloak] King needs food badly.

What's this all ab...? [gasps. Sees Patrick's crown and dollar signs appear in his eyes] Well, well, well. What can I do for you, Patrick?

SpongeBob

The king would like...

Zip it, SquarePants...I'm talking to the rich guy.

Patrick

I'll have ten Krabby Patties, a Krabby milkshake, large fries...

I've got a better idea.

SpongeBob

Patrick, what's happened to you?

Patrick

I don't know what you mean.

SpongeBob

Uh... [laughs] You know, Mr. Krabs is probably wondering where I am...and...

Patrick

And what...

SpongeBob

[intimidated of Patrick's rage] And, um, well...it's just that, um, you're kinda being a jerk.

Patrick

Huh? [laughs] I thought you were going to say I was abusing my power.

SpongeBob

Uh... well, I...

Patrick

[explodes] Who's saying I'm abusing my power?! [SpongeBob shrinks and Patrick rips off his cloak] I'll put the whole town in prison! [SpongeBob runs away] Questioning my authority is treason! All these giggly speeches are making me thirsty. SpongeBob, I request a drink. SpongeBob? [claps twice] SpongeBob?! Huh. Gee, everybody's gone. I'm all alone. Fine, I'll get it myself! [walks by the mirror, and his reflection looks like a monster]

Knock knock.

Patrick

Huh? [gasps] A knock knock joke! [he runs back to the mirror] Who's there?

You.

I don't get it.

I'm you and you are me. [a wire in Patrick's head connects and short circuits]

[screams] What have I become?! [Patrick races out of his rock]

Patrick

Aaah, help! Monster! Monster! [he bumps into the Royal Ministry starfish] Huh? Oh, it's, it's you! [he thrusts the crown at the starfish] Here, here, take it. I don't want it anymore. It's turned me into a monster.

Oh, I think I know what's going on here. Patrick, with great power comes great responsibility. [Patrick is shaking and whimpering] You haven't a clue what I just told you, do you?

Patrick

No. Uh-uh.

Oh, just as well. I've come to take the crown back, as it seems that you aren't royalty after all.

Patrick

Huh?

[takes out family history] I've discovered this coffee stain, which upon removal, reveals that Sir Gary is the true heir to the king's crown. [he removes the stain to show Gary's picture on the family history parchment. Bubble transition to Gary having a crown put on his head, SpongeBob and Patrick dressed in medieval clothes]

SpongeBob

Well, would you look at that. Gary, you're royalty!

Gary

[smiles] Meow?

SpongeBob

Bloodthirsty bikers? And they're headed straight for Bikini Bottom! I've got to warn everybody! I better take the shortcut!

SpongeBob

Mr. Krabs!

SpongeBob! Where in the blue barnacles did you come from?

SpongeBob

There's no time for that, Mr. Krabs. Grab something heavy! Bar the door! Board up the windows. We've got to protect the Krusty Krab. The Krabby Patties must survive!

Settle down, son. What are you all riled up about?

SpongeBob

Bikers... coming... nasty... ferocious... take... over... town. Destroy... must hide!

What are you going on about? Bikers?

SpongeBob

The Wild Ones are coming, Mr. Krabs. They're the most vicious, ravenous horde of hooligans in the sea.

Ravenous did you say? That's another word for hungry, isn't it?

What's the secret ingredient, Karen?

Karen

Well, it appears that the main ingredient is: Kelp Juice.

Just kelp juice?

And to think this whole time I could've been selling these meself!

You? What about me? If anyone, I deserve to make a buck of selling this stuff.

[removes the glass container and takes kelp juice] No way, pipsqueak. This gold mine is mine.

Not if I can help it. [jumps at Mr. Krabs, but goes between his eyes and splatters into the wall] Ow.

[cackling] Nice try. [about to take a sip]

Karen

I wouldn't do that if I were you; There's another ingredient.

Hey, I paid good money for this thing! Of course I'm gonna drink it. [takes a sip then spits it out] What the...?! I don't get what the big deal is. This tastes like a wet gym sock.

Really? Let me try that. [Plankton sips the drink and puckers his lips] Actually, there is a bit of a pungent aftertaste.

Hmmm. [sips again and puckers his lips] Hey, you're right. This ain't half bad. [takes another sip and laughs] This is amazing.

Well, don't be selfish. [sips and laughs] Oh yeah.

Karen

Oh no...

[he sips in the rest of the drink until he sucks in the cup] Krabs, we're all out of juice!

Well, we gotta get more!

Karen

You're making a big mistake!

Ah, phooey! You don't know what you're talking about! [he walks out with Plankton] ♪Kelpshake, Kelpshake. Oh, how I love a Kelpshake.♪

SpongeBob

[runs up crying covered in yellowish-green fur] What's happening to me?! [Mr. Krabs and Plankton gasp in shock when they see SpongeBob covered in green kelp and he's naked] They've shut down the Kelpshakes restaurants! [nearly crying as he runs off]

Huh? [they both see workers sucking out all the liquid which is toxic waste in the Kelpshake restaurant that says "CLOSED FOREVER"]

It'll take decades to clean this hazardous material up.

I sure feel sorry for whoever drank this. [Mr. Krabs screams as he is growing yellowish-green kelp fur just like Plankton is, then Plankton screams]

Look at us!

Now what are we going to do?

I don't know about you... [Plankton takes out a mini helicopter propeller] but I'm going back to what I do best. Stealing your recipe! [laughs]

Hey, wait a minute! Plankton!

[flies into Mr. Krabs office where the safe is. He tosses the propeller and laughs] Come to papa. [Mr. Krabs opens the door]

Hold it right there! You're not going anywhere... [opens the safe] without a ten second head start!

It's good to be home!

You said it.

[laughing while he runs off as Mr. Krabs begins to chase him while having fun] I love being hated!

Hey, get back here you little booger! [laughs]

SpongeBob

Oh, that reminds me. I got you a present.

Patrick

A present? What is it?

SpongeBob

[pulls out a bear with a microphone in its hand.] It's a Confess-A-Bear. He's a special friend you tell all your secrets to.

Patrick

Wow, thanks, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob

I'll just leave you two alone to get acquainted.

Hi! My name is Confess-A-Bear! Tell me all your secrets!

Patrick

Um... I did something recently I'm not very proud of. I didn't mean to do it. It just sort of happened.

Oh, maybe you should talk about it!

Patrick

Well, it involves my best friend SpongeBob. I don't think he knows what happened, but it would really upset him if he found out.

TELL CONFESS-A-BEAR!!!

Patrick

I've said too much already.

TELL CONFESS-A-BEAR NOW!!! NOW!!!!!

Patrick

AAAGH!!!! I ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKED SPONGEBOB'S TOOTHBRUSH IN THE TOILET, AND THEN I PUT IT BACK ON THE COUNTER WITHOUT WASHING IT!!!!! ...Confess-A-Bear?

Patrick

You're mad at me, aren't you, Confess-A-Bear?

SpongeBob

Patrick wouldn't steal Ol' Reliable... Would he? [imagines Patrick from earlier]

Patrick

I would kill for a net like that! [takes out a carrot, breaks it in half, and laughs maniacally]

SpongeBob

Aah! Have I been best friends with a master thief? I must know for sure.

Patrick

SpongeBob! Oh, thank goodness you're here. There was this scary guy with a mustache asking a lot of weird questions.

SpongeBob

Patrick, I'm the scary mustache guy!

Patrick

Aah! Why, SpongeBob, why?! Why would you wear such a scary mustache?

SpongeBob

Why did you steal my jellyfishing net?!

Patrick

[offended] WHAT?! I'm your best friend!

SpongeBob

You were my best friend, you no-good jellyfish net thief!

Patrick

How could you think that?!

SpongeBob

Because you said that! You said that it was "YOUR FRIEND SPONGEBOB'S!!!"

Patrick

[pauses, takes out the case] ...gift.

SpongeBob

[confused] What?

Patrick

It's my friend SpongeBob's GIFT! [opens the case revealing a handmade net] I made you a new net.

SpongeBob

"For SpongeBob"? You made me a new jellyfishing net? That is so thoughtful of you! Patrick? What'cha doing, best friend?

Patrick

I'm not your best friend, I'm a no-good jelly netting thief fish!

SpongeBob

Where are you going?

Patrick

I'm leaving Bikini Bottom, while I still have my dignity!

SpongeBob

How about Duck, Duck, Hermit Krab? Hopscotch? Squidward Says? Steal The Bacon? Sleeping Sea Lions? Sharks and Minnows? Sink the Submarine? Kings and Queens? Mahjong? [Squidward is beginning to fume so he picks him up and shakes him] Whoa, I've never played this game before. What's it called?

Squidward

It's called, "I will never play with you EVER!" [throws SpongeBob in a hole and moves the refrigerator over it]

SpongeBob

[gasps] A reserved seat? Next to my friends? I made it! All I have to do is sit down and...

SpongeBob

[Yells in frustration shaking his fists up making a rumbling sound as everyone looks at him in confusion] No! [jumps on stage and tears the curtain] No! It is not over!

Huh?

SpongeBob

This was supposed to be my perfect day. But then everything... [a fish gets up and starts to leave, but SpongeBob stops him as he screams] Sit down! [the fish does so] Then everything turned to doo-doo.

[he, Patrick and Sandy go upstage with him] It's okay, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob

NO, IT'S NOT OKAY! [his yelling makes Mr. Krabs and Patrick flinch] This was gonna be my best day ever, starting with doing the best job in the world, working at the Krusty Krab!

Boy, you saved me barnacle the way you put the run on them nematodes!

SpongeBob

[sniffles] Yeah, I guess so. But then I was gonna do karate with Sandy!

Sandy

I know, but you saved the treedome! Pretty cool, if you ask me.

SpongeBob

Well, I suppose. But then I was gonna go jellyfishing with Patrick!

Patrick

But then you... Uh, what'd you do again?

Squidward

And, I hate to admit it, but I suppose if you hadn't fixed my reed, the concert would have been a bust.

You see, SpongeBob, it's not about you or your perfect day or any of those things.

SpongeBob

It's not?

No. [chuckles] It's about us!

SpongeBob

It is?

Yep. And since you did such a good job, we wanna make it up to you.

SpongeBob

You do?

So, just tell us anything your little heart desires, and it's yours.

Squidward

What are those Neanderthals up to? [The scene cuts to his bathroom, where he is taking a bath] Don't they know I'm busy spoiling myself? [SpongeBob and Patrick open Squidward's door while he is in the bathtub] AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!! [pants]

SpongeBob

You check over there, I’ll check in here. [checks in the bathtub Squidward is in] Find him yet, Pat?