SpongeBob[at the guillotine] Well, I guess this is it, Patrick.
I guess so. I'm gonna miss you, SpongeBob! [crying]
SpongeBob
I'll miss you, too, buddy! [both sobbing as King Krabs crashes into the guillotine, breaking it]
[Dragon takes Princess Pearl away]
Pearl! [cries] Can no one stop this madness?! [sun shines on SpongeBob and Patrick] You two, my apologies. [kisses their feet] Most noble and valiant warriors.
I guess this is what you call the royal treatment.
[SpongeBob, Squidly, and Patrick all head to the bridge to stop the evil wizard, but a Dark Knight blocks their path]
DKDark Knight
[dark male voice] Halt! Who goes there?
SSquidly
Doth mine eyes betray me? 'Tis the nefarious Dark Knight! [sings] Oh, dark knight, spare us please, don't cut off our heads or boil our knees. Pray take these two and let me go free and I will give to thee some... cheese! [cow moos]
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
Dark Knight?
DKDark Knight
[dark male voice] I asketh once more. Before I rip thee limb from limb, reveal thyself!
SpongeBob
I am SpongeBob and this is Patrick. [laughs nervously] We've been sent to rescue Princess Pearl from Planktonimor.
DKDark Knight
[dark male voice] If thou wisheth to get across, thou willst have [reveals herself as Medieval Sandy and speaks with a female voice] to get through me!
SpongeBob
[gasps] Medieval Sandy! I know how to handle this: With a little karate! [both attack each other, but SpongeBob swallows Sandy then spits her out into a rock]
DKDark Knight
Whah! By the hammer of Odin, this be a new fighting style mine eyes have not yet seen.
SpongeBob
I am bad! Oh, yeah! Whoo!
DKDark Knight
Doth thou tryeth to insult me? Thou willst drink from the fountain of shame!
SpongeBob
Do you hear that, Patrick? I told you see zings like a squir... Whoa! [Dark Knight destroys the armor and throws SpongeBob into a rock. SpongeBob ends up having his legs and arms switched. He laughs] Good one, Medieval Sandy! But can you handle my feet of fury? [attacks Dark Knight, but the Dark Knight jumps out of the way as SpongeBob bounces off the rock and into Dark Knight sending her into the other rock. SpongeBob attacks her again, but the Dark Knight pins him against the rock]
DKDark Knight
Wouldst thou like a little rubdown? [as she is rubbing SpongeBob, it turns into dust causing the Dark Knight to cough. SpongeBob appears normal again and karate chops the Dark Knight as she crashes onto a rock. SpongeBob then walks up to her as he is about to finish her off] You have bested me, yellow knight... Strike quick and true, noble sponge...
SpongeBob
I don't understand a word you just said! [laughs. Dark Knight turns into a real live action squirrel, but with the crosses for eyes as dead] Uh, Medieval Sandy, you don't look so good. Sandy? Sandy...? [screen turns black then water is thrown onto the Dark Knight] Patrick, it's working! Do it again. [Patrick gathers spit and spits it upon her]
DKDark Knight
Thou hath spared me, kind and noble sponge. And to thee, I owe a debt of gratitude, for I will follow you in your quest to defeat Planktonimor and learn a trifle of that karate.
SpongeBob
Yeah, karate! Whah! Cha-cha! [karate chops Squidly in half]
JJim
Hey, Eugene, where's that little fry cook of yours?
He thinks you're taking his job, so he's run off!
JJim
Hey, great idea! And you can give me a raise! [both laugh it off]
SpongeBob
[watching from the freezer] Look at them. Mr. Krabs is probably offering Jim my job right now.
[stops laughing] Well, I better go find him. [SpongeBob comes out] Spongebob!
SpongeBob
Don't worry, Mr. Krabs. I was just leaving. I'm not fit to inhabit the same kitchen as Jim. So it is with a heavy heart that I relinquish my position as fry cook.
JJim
What are you thinking, SpongeBob? I'm not taking your job!
SpongeBob
But you're the greatest fry cook in the world! The Krusty Krab deserves better than me.
JJim
Both those statements are true, SpongeBob, but there's a reason I left the Krusty Krab. It all started on a warm summer evening. Business was slow, so Squidward and I were having one of our famous bowl sessions...
[Flashback to the day Jim left the Krusty Krab]
JJim
We should open our own restaurant and stop relying on old man K's pockets.
No, thanks. I'm just doing this until my clarinet career takes off.
JJim
What if it never does? Don't you wanna have something to fall back on?
Yeah! Ha! I could lose my beautiful, flowing hair, too, but I'm not buying a wig yet. [his hair suddenly falls out]
JJim
Well, while you go wig shopping, I'm gonna go talk to Mr. Krabs. [Walks into Mr. Krabs' office] Hey, Mr. Krabs, you gotta second?
Anything for you, Jimmy, me boy. Cop a squat and lay your wreck and tell me what's on your wig, Jim.
JJim
Cut the gas, Krabs, and dig this: I've been bustin' my conk for you. You better lay on some extra gravy, or I'm going to agitate the gravel.
JJim
You know, lay a patch.
JJim
Give me a raise, or I'm quitting!
A raise? That's not in my "Hiptionary." Help me get with it, Jack.
JJim
Stop talking like that!
These sideburns aren't real. [rips them off]
JJim
I need more money in my paycheck at the end of every week! Capiche?!?
[Mr. Krabs laughs hysterically; Jim leaves in a huff]
My hair! My beautiful hair! My hair! My hair!
[Flashback ends; Mr. Krabs is still laughing]
Aye, it's still as funny today as it was then. [sighs]
[Squidward is outside still crying over his hair loss]
You see, SpongeBob, you've got one quality Jim will never have: You're cheap.
SpongeBob
Wow! I never thought about it that way!
No! No, I didn't! It was SpongeBob! He's infected the entire Krusty Krab!
[Everybody growls and screams]
UFUnknown Fish
Let us apprehend that careless contaminator!
[All the fish attack SpongeBob, who starts crying, making a huge puddle in his bubble. Outside the Krusty Krab, Gary slithers into the dumpster and eats a can, which he coughs up. His stomach growls as he slithers out]
Meow. [sees SpongeBob inside getting attacked by the Krusty Krab fish]
SpongeBob
[crying] Ohhhh, noo! [the fish body slam SpongeBob's bubble, which make holes that the Ick leaks through] Stop! You're pushing out more of the Ick! [the unknown fish the other fish make a final body slam] No!
[All the fish slam into it, and it pops, splattering Fungus all over the Krusty Krab]
[laughing] Oh, stop it! You're tickling me, Squidward!
SpongeBob
Gary B. Snail! Don't you know it's impolite to feed off of other people without permission?
[We see Gary clean the Ick off of Mr. Krabs]
He's just doing his job, SpongeBob! He's a bottomfeeder, remember? See? The little feller licked me clean! I'm cured and he'll clean the Ick off any surface...even Squid!
[Gary sucks the fungi off Squidward, next]
MSMartha Smith
Where are your manners? It's ladies first!
I believe the expression is starfish first.
UFUnknown Fish
I supersede all of you! For I have an exotic accent.
Hey, hey, hey! There's no need to fight! Cause I have a solution I'll be happy with. [later...] Step up to be de-Icked! Only $5! [the first fish steps up, and Gary cleans him] Now can I get you a Krabby Patty?
UFUnknown Fish
[whacks Mr. Krabs with his glove] In the light of today's events, that notion is crass and offensive. [pulls out money] I'll take 2, please.
SpongeBob
[gives Mr. Krabs the money] Here you go, Mr. Krabs!
Another $5 for another de-Icking.
[Gary cleans SpongeBob off]
SpongeBob
Look, Gary! You made me all sparkly! You're the best bottom feeder a sponge could ever have!
Aye, and a great money maker ya are, too. Now, back to work!
[burps loudly then he realizes is full, and then smiles] Meow.
SpongeBob
Ah, perfect. [moves from behind Squidward in the road and drives in front of him]
Hey, use your mirrors, fool!
SpongeBob
Mirrors? Oh, that reminds me. I haven't adjusted this one yet. [adjusts it to where the light in the reflection blinds Squidward]
Ah! I can't see! Oh! [puts on sunglasses and laughs] Aah! [sees a brick wall and crashes then turns into a live action of a crash test dummy] Ow.
Good day, young sir! My name is--
SpongeBob
[pops up from under Gus' hat] Gus!
He's right! This guy's so good, you should give him a prize.
[grabs SpongeBob] How in Neptune's creation do you know all these names, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob
Well, I simply compile the name of every customer in this book. [holds up a book called "The Customers of The Krusty Krab and Why I Love Them. By SBSP"]
[grabs the book] Thanks, SpongeBob!
Oh, how cold does Krabs keep this place, anyway? [looks at the thermostat which displays 62°F] 62 degrees?! Oh, that cheapskate! I'm gonna set it to a toasty 63. [he sets the thermostat to 63; an alarm goes off] Huh?!
[hears the alarm, busts down the door] WHO TOUCHED ME THERMOSTAT?!?!?!?!?!
[all point to Squidward]
Oh, thanks a-- [Mr. Krabs pulls him away]
SpongeBob
You're welcome, Squidward.
Mr. Squidward, you're always goin' on about your book club. Read this!
[reading sign] "Do not touch thermostat ever".
[Mr. Krabs sets it back]
Heat costs money! There are two ways to get on my bad side, boys. I don't like kids playin' in me yard, and nobody but me touches me thermostat!
SpongeBob
Yeah! Your yard is really fun! There are kids playing on it right now!
What?! [sees kids on his front yard] Hey, you kids get off of my lawn!
SpongeBob
[reading a story to Gary] And then, the little ugly mollusk ran all the way home...
[breaking through SpongeBob's wall] SpongeBob, you gotta see this! It's an emergency broadcast on my TV!
TATV announcer
The day you've been waiting for is almost here. That's right. "Glove World" has a new ride. It's big... [roller coaster goes above the water then back down into it]
TATV announcer
It's fast... [The girl fish and Harold are yelling riding a roller coaster so fast, Harold flies off of it]
[yelling] Harold, NOOOOO!
TATV announcer
It's painful... [Fish squeals as roller coaster crashes into the ground, causing an explosion]
TATV announcer
It's the "Fiery Fist O' Pain." Opening tomorrow only at Glove World!
Tomorrow! SpongeBob, we gotta get to bed so we can be first in line!
FAFemale announcer
[over speaker] Please wait until the car has come to a complete stop... and stop crying!
E3Employee 3
It's over. You can get out now.
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
We did it! [both get out and run around in circles]
SpongeBob
We conquered our fears!
SpongeBob
We survived the Fist o' Pain!
E3Employee 3
Hey, hold it right there! You forgot these.
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
Our spines! [grab their spines] Yeah! [when they grab them, they start to wiggle their bodies and then bend them backwards. They laugh]
SpongeBob
Let's go again!
SpongeBob
I know. Isn't it great? It looks just like the Krusty Krab.
It looks more like Plankton tryin' to steal me restaurant! [steps out of a taxi with suitcases in hand and a hat on his head]
SpongeBob
Mr. Krabs! You've returned from your vacation. [the word "Exposition!" appears above SpongeBob's head]
And it's time for the Krusty Krab to return from its vacation. [He scuttles to the back of the building and as he grunts with effort, he pushes the Krusty Krab over to its original spot. Then flips it over to have the doors face the street]
SpongeBob
Hooray!
[takes the safe out from his throat. It was covered with saliva. He takes out the formula for the patties] And I bet you tried to steal this, too.
[chuckles sheepishly] Well, steal is such a strong word. [Mr. Krabs grabs him on the side of his eye. He screams in pain]
You don't really think I'd leave me secret formula behind when I go on vacation, do ya? Now...
KPMr. Krabs and Plankton
"Stay away from me..."
"...restaurant, bug." I think we've been through this one before. Allow me to do the honors. [throws himself back at the Chum Bucket, but doesn't scream like he always does. He lets out a blank expressionless monotone scream. Plankton lands face-first on the ground, where the Chum Bucket previously was]
[upset] Oh, excellent job, genius. Ya really fixed the place up.
[muffled] Don't nag me, Karen. I've had a long day.
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
