Dad, aren't you kind of drunk?
It's okay, Stan, I just had some beers to keep my buzz going.
S9 E14Bloody Mary
Dad, aren't you supposed to, like, not drink and drive?
I'm not drinking and driving, I'm driving while I'm drinking, right boys? [looks to Eric, Kyle, and Ike in the back]
...sure, whatever, dude.
AMAA Member
Do you know anything about alcoholism?
Yeah, and I know a thing or two about cults. I was the leader of one for a while.
KIKarate Instructor
Cartman-san! What are you doing?
I'm doing some sweet banzai moves. I'm a little better than everyone else here.
KIKarate Instructor
Eric-San, you must forrow direction! You rack discipline!
Uh-uh, I don't rack discipline!
KIKarate Instructor
Minna-San [Japanese for "everyone"]! You all need more discipline! True discipline come from within.
No, cancer is a disease. My dad needs to drink less.
It's not fair. Why did you give me this disease?
Stan! Stan!(appears bald) Staaaaaaaaan!
Ah, God damn it!
How did I manage to raise such a smart kid?
I have a great teacher.
Thanks, son.
No, not you, my karate teacher. He's really smart.
Well I think we have all learned an important lesson, haven't we, class: if you don't make the right choices in life, you can end up being a big loser like Stan's dad.
[silence]
Drinking and driving is for idiots. Nobody wants to end up like Stan's dad, do they?
[silence]
I want you all to take a good look at Stan's dad, and say: "Is that who I want to be in 30 years? Getting tickets and having to go to elementary-school classrooms and talk about how pathetic I am?" Thank you, Mr. Marsh, I think you have made your point.
And the Pope said, quote, "A chick bleeding out her vagina is no miracle. Chicks bleed out their vaginas all the time."
Well how about 4?
I think you're pushing it.
How 'bout 20?
That's not discipline.
Right, right. Does vodka count?
Dad!
[drunk off his ass and having caught the attention of police by illegally swerving as he peed into a beer bottle, then flipping off the police car] Everybody just stay calm. I can handle this, no problem. I know how to deal. [starts chewing stick of gum]
OOfficer
License and registration, please.
[with a completely straight face] ...What seems to be the officer, problem?
OOfficer
...Step out of the car, please.
ASAt the side of police vehicle
"To patronize and annoy"
S10 E1The Return of Chef
Uh, guys? Did Chef seem a little, uh...trippy to you?
Hey you guys, you know what they call a Jewish woman's boobs? Jewbs.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.