[Ian is speaking to his fans all gathered in the family room]
It sucks when people use God as an excuse for their own hatred, and when it's your family, it's the worst. Look, I know you don't want to hurt your parents, but sometimes they forget. God creates us all in his own image. We gotta jog their memory. If they believe that God hates the same people as they do, well, they're creating God in their image.
[In unison] That's right. That's right.
We all have a Holy Spirit. We're all holy. We're all divine...
Jesus, listen to that.
[Walks into kitchen] I know. He's like a prophet. And he's super hot too. Like hot gay Jesus. [Walks back]
"Hot gay Jesus." Bet we can make money off of that.
How?
Ring the right bell for the right causes, the guilt ridden pry open their wallets. It's Pavlovian. Righteousness is very marketable.
[Enters from backdoor] What's that all about?
Just a queer religious rebellion led by your gay brother. No biggie.
We all have the Trinity inside of us...
...
Reverend Murph, this is my sister Fiona.
Pleasure.
[Shakes his hand] Hi.
I'm super impressed, dude. The only way I can get that many people is if I offer free pizza.
No, it's just 'cause of that video.
No. You got something, man. Bunch of folks who couldn't make it already messaged me about the next one.
I definitely can't fit more people in here than I did tonight.
Would you feel weird about using our parish hall? No pressure. Just shoot me a text when you decide, I'll send you the address. Thanks for the beer. [He leaves]
How's the new place?
Small. Quiet. I bought a chair. Your, fellowship thing seems to be doing well. First Gallagher to become famous for something other than larceny or assault.
Ha, yeah. It's... it's getting pretty out of hand. I got people showing up at my home, church place, work. I had to shut down my Facebook page.
So why not quit if you hate it so much?
I don't. Just... trying to manage it.
[Comes down stairs] She's back to flipping out again about military school. Says I can't go 'cause we're engaged.
Wait, you're actually engaged? I thought that was a joke.
Don't marry her.
I can't lose her. She's fun, hot, rich, hot. She loves me. No one's ever loved me this hard.
Do not marry her, okay? She is a fucking psycho.
Marry her. Hear me and heed me. Do not let that frothing piece of lady meat out of your sight. She has a trust fund. Get joint checking. And whatever you do, do not sign a prenup.
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