[Lip is in a public washroom stall when two Army MPs approach]
AMArmy MP
Phillip Gallagher?
LipYeah, who's asking?
AMArmy MP
Fort Dearborn Military Police. Can you step out of the stall please?
Lip
You know, I'm gonna be busy for a while, but you can join me if you want to wipe my ass.
[Army MPs grab the washroom stall and force it open and drag out Lip]
Lip
Wait, what the fuck, man? Hey, hey!
AMArmy MP
Sergeant, wait! You're Phillip Gallagher?
Lip
Jesus, what the hell's going on? Or do you get off on watching guys taking a dump?
AMArmy MP
[Holds up card] Is that your social security number?
Lip
Blow me. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck.
AMArmy MP
[Holds up Ian's photo] Do you know this man?
Lip
No, I've never seen him before in my life.
AMArmy MP
Any idea how he got a hold of your name and social security number?
Lip
No, but it's pretty scary, you know? I'm feeling pretty fucking violated over here. What's he, uh, what's he wanted for?
AMArmy MP
For impersonating you, apparently. Also for attempted theft of government property and being away without leave.
Lip
Wow, no shit. What did he try and steal?
AMArmy MP comrade
Helicopter. Surface-to-air missile. Army issue boxer bris.
AMArmy MP
Sergeant! Mr. Gallagher, we may need you to testify. We'll be in touch.
Lip
Well, at ease, gentlemen. I've always wanted to say that.
...
Lip
Hey, um, you guys heard anything from Ian?
Not for weeks. And Fiona doesn't even care.
Lip
What about the US army. You hear anything from them?
[Flashback of Carl answering Army MPs at the front door]
AMArmy MP
We're looking for Phillip Gallagher.
...
Lip
'Cause Ian joined up.
Lip
No, he used my name and social when he signed up, and then he tried to steal a helicopter and a bunch of other shit. Went AWOL.
Lip
Yeah.
Where'd you get all this stuff?
Lip
School.
Thanks. [Clears throat] So, I had my prelim hearing.
Lip
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. My lawyer's gonna try to get me probation if I plead guilty.
Lip
Okay.
Might have to serve a little time though.
Lip
Yeah? How long?
Lip
All right. I suppose we'll manage.
Lip
Why would you want to do that?
Lip
Because you'll get convicted.
Lip
Yes, I do.
Lip
You're guilty.
Lip
You almost killed Liam!
You don't think I know that? You don't think I'm blaming myself enough already so I need you to do it too? [Sighs]
Lip
So how long are you in prison if, ah, if you lose?
Lip
So that makes me almost 25, still at home, taking care of the kids.
Lip
Ghetto chick leaves her drսg addict boyfriend's coke out for her three-year-old brother to eat. Half a gram in the system. Yeah, you're right. You can totally win.
I didn't do it on purpose.
Lip
Yeah, but you did it!
[Sighs] (again) I turned my back, for, like, two seconds, and now my life is ruined? How is that fair?
Lip
You're his guardian. You signed up for this.
Lip
Of course, this is all about you.
Yes, it's about me. Okay, 'cause it's never about me and I'm finally making it about me.
Lip
So what, I'm supposed to drop out of school you do five years?
Lip
LIAM NOT DIED! And that was you! All f****** you! Your coke, your boyfriend, your f***** up life! It's not mine. All right.
Frank's passed out up in the bathroom.
Lip
Oh, f*ck. S***. He's shooting heroin now.
Lip
No, unfortunately not.
Lip
Carl, grab his legs.
Lip
All right, use a f****** towel. I got him. You got him?
Lip
Where we always do-- street.
Lip
Good. You're home. You deal with him.
Must have had too many oxys.
Lip
Save it. All right? Just get him the f*ck out of the house.
Lip
I warned you. Now go! Carl, come here. Get rid of any evidence in Frank's room, all right?
He is too sick to leave the house.
Lip
Yeah, no s***! You just let him s**** a bunch of f****** H!
Lip
What if the social worker had showed up right now?
Lip
These kids would've been taken away. And what do you care, huh? You just want to make nicey-nicey with daddy. You get the **** out of my house!
Lip
Hey, what are you doing?
Finding ways to make money from home.
Lip
Huh. Hey, is something burning? Smell that?
Oh, shit. Oh, shit! shit! [Laughs]
[Smoke alarm beeping]
Not my hole. [Both laughing]
You just let it burn?
Lip
[He turned around and see two bottles of vodka that she is drinking too much.] You're shitfaced.
Since when is a felony for a Gallagher to drink?
Calm down. It's my fault. I brought the vodka.
Lip
Oh, and poured it down her throat?
You're the one who told me to relax. SOMEBODY SHUT THAT THING UP! [She continues laughing]
[Smoke alarm continues beeping]
Lip
Fuck. Burn the house down, okay? Burn the food too, you know, I can always steal some more from my shitty work-study job, right?
I'm going through something here.
Lip
Yeah, it looks like you went through about five beverages in an hour, Fiona. Have another one. Why not? You're your own woman. Right? No, bang the boss's brother. Leave coke out on the table for the kids. Get arrested. Do whatever the fuck you need to do. I've got this. Hey, Carl, go upstairs, get your toothbrush and something to sleep in.
He has the suspension meeting tomorrow.
Lip
Oh, no worries. No worries. I'll get him to Shelia's on time. Stay up all night studying? I mean, what the fuck? It's just an applied physics quiz. Where's Debbie?
She's at Sheila's with Sammi.
You're not answering your phone?
I didn't hear it. What's up?
What. Oh, s***. Wish us luck.
There's something burning.
Lip
Let's go Carl.
Go-- no. Hey, come on. Lip, please. You don't have to take them.
Lip
You're right. I don't.
Come on. What about dinner?
Lip
Enjoy. [As he leaves the house with Liam and close the door]
[Smoke alarm continues beeping]
[Sighs] Shut up! [Screams]
Lip
No, I try to make a point of not banging my roommate's girlfriend,
So, didn't stop you last time.
Lip
I was asleep.
Until you weren't. And we're not banging. I'm a virgin.
Lip
No, I-I've heard you and Ron go at it plenty of times.
Backdoor only. I'm saving myself for my husband.
Lip
Right, and how would your husband feel about you having taken it in the seat like a porn star? Why'd you stop by here before class?
Admit it, because you were hoping I'd be here.
[Amanda has taken off her top with Lip in the dorm room and Ron has just walked in]
RRon
Excuse me, guys. Forgot my Spinoza. [Ron walks past the two to get his book and leaves the room]
[Lip runs out of the dorm room to follow Ron]
Lip
Hey, um-- Hey, listen, I'm-- I'm so sorry. Just let me explain.
RRon
It's okay, dude. You don't need to be sorry. I owe you one. I was starting to hear Amanda bark orders to me in my dreams.
Lip
So we're-- we're cool?
RRon
The best part about getting a blow job from Amanda, ten minutes of silence. Come on, dude. Don't be late for class.
Familiar with the term "quid pro quo"?
Lip
Yeah, yeah, that's, uh that's Latin for "lick mine, and I'll lick yours," right?
Need you to meet my mom and dad for parents' weekend. Pretend we're together.
Lip
That's it? Just clean up for a dinner?
No, no clean up. In fact, wear that shirt with all the "fucks" on it. My parents started me on violin lessons when I was three. SAT prep when I was 12. I'm a walking stereotype. For Christ sakes, I'm a math major.
Lip
You know, you-- you could do a lot worse than parents that give a shit.
No, it's time my mom and dad know that I'm not gonna be programmed for med school like my older sister. I need to scare the living shit out of them.
My bitch of a wife thinks I owe her something. Like I'm the only guy ever dropped a fucking load in her.
MIMan in car
Boys. Ride around the block?
We look like a couple fags for sale to you?
Well, this ain't Macy's, bitch. You ain't window-shopping.
MIMan in car
You're in Boystown, outside a bar called The Fairy Tail.
Why don't you fuck off before I give you a broken spine to go along with that limp wrist? [Mickey picks up a bottle, man drives off and Mickey throws it at the driver] Yeah, get going, you fucking fruit! Thinks he can buy whatever he wants 'cause he's got a fucking Rolex and an S-class. That shit happen to you a lot?
...
You have an econ quiz in two hours.
Lip
Uh, right, you know, about that, I-I couldn't help but notice the schedule.
Lip
Yeah, no, I thought it might have been you, and you broke it down into five-minute segments. I mean, who schedules something for 12:55?
So you can better manage your time.
Lip
Right, but you even put in preset bathroom breaks.
I synced it to your new phone.
Lip
You got me a new phone?
Lip
Thank you. But seriously, this-- this schedule, it's just-- it's-- it's not me, okay? I'm not used to having my dumps planned out in advance. You know, it's-- I can't-- I can't regiment my life like that, all right?
That's why I'm doing it for you.
Lip
Okay, I guess I'm just more of a, uh, fly by the seat of my pants kind of guy.
How's that working out for you?
Lip
How 'bout a quick BJ then?
BJ break isn't for another 45 minutes.
...
[Kenyatta walks up to Mickey walking down the street from Mickey's house]
Mandy, she here last night?
No, I was at work. I kept calling the house, no answer. Then I call her cell, she say she's at home. She with Lip?
You just keep putting two and two together, huh? Hey, good for you, Einstein.
[referring to Mickey's house] He in this motherfucker?
Nah, asshole's at college. It's a big place, lots of buildings. People go there to learn. Don't worry about it.
West Maxwell. [to Kenyatta while walking away] Hey, you planning on giving a beat down to every guy Mandy's been with? Your arms are gonna get fucking tired!
...
[Carl has just spraypainted "PRINCIPAL RAMIREZ IS CARL GALLAGERS (sic) BITCH" on the school lockers]
You just bought yourself two more weeks' detention.
You know, you misspelled your last name.
Lip
[To an unnamed fellow student] Engels, a genius? More like Marx's glorified butt buddy. [Gets text message from Amanda: "Big scary black man coming for you" Lip sees Kenyatta in the distance who has spotted him] Shit. Shit, hold this. [Hands cigarette to student and starts running to main building, hides under table, and Kenyatta pulls him out by legs]
Lip
What'd I do?
...
Lip
Okay, you didn't want that answer? Excuse me, excuse me. All right, look, we're done though. We're done. Okay? All right, I got a girlfriend.
Maybe I should do yours like you did mine.
Lip
Okay, but only in the ass, all right? She's saving herself.
[Campus security has pulled both Lip and Kenyatta apart] Let's see some ID. Both of you. You go to school here?
Lip
Look, I don't-- I don't know him, officers, okay? You know, he just-- he asked if I wanted to buy any crack, and when I said no...
Fuck you! [Kenyatta lunges for Lip only to be tased by security]
[Chuckie is sleeping nearby in the boys bedroom]
Lip
What are we supposed to do with him?
We could drop him off at the butcher over at the Food 4 Less, see if they'll chop him up for bacon.
We having bacon for breakfast?
Nah, we're eating Chuckie.
Lip
She's sleeping with you now?
Your girlfriend sleeps with you.
Lip
Yeah, Amanda's 20, not 12.
Lip
I still don't want her sleeping with you.
She doesn't want to have sex, something about her mom's old boyfriend and a biker gang.
[Lip and Amanda are eating at a breakfast diner late at night with Amanda's sorority and their dates after a ritual]
That wasn't so bad, was it?
Lip
Uh, no, the chanting part was kind of creepy. But hey, I look good in a suit, right? You know, I figured it was gonna be more wild toga party than coven.
Well, we're a bunch of engineering majors. Our parties usually consist of us watching Big Bang reruns and bleaching each other's mustaches.
Lip
It was a long shower.
Lip
Yeah, well, might have been some phone sex with Miami.
What are you guys building on top of the old nursing home?
I don't build. I'm just demo.
I'll tell you what it is. I'll tell you all what it is. It's a Starbucks. Or some sort of artisanal juicery. Or a whole fucking foods.
Just drop it, Frank, all right?
I'm talking about gentrification, my friends.
I'm talking about the beginning of the end. I have seen this before on Fulton Street in '64. On Kirby Street in '68. Realtors started buying up property at better than market value, and within a few months, the whole neighborhood was over run with the gentry, and we were forced out. Today, the urban gentry is monied lesbians. They knock on your door. They offer you twice what your home is worth, and they do it 'cause they know something you don't.
Lip
You think I'd let him live in my home?
Laugh, laugh. You won't be laughing in a year. When you won't be able to afford to live here. They move in, they take over. They kick the homeless out of the park as if they don't have a God given right to sleep there. We are dinosaurs, my friend. And a big, fat comet is headed for our sweet slice of earth. And that comet is a Starbucks.
More of a tradesman, actually.
Wow. Looks and smarts? Did I get lucky tonight or what? And I like your jacket. It's very classy.
...
Hey! It ain't quitting time yet, College!
Lip
Look, uh, do we get paid for the holiday on Monday? What? You know, it's the fourth? Of July? It's, you know, America's birthday. It's the birth of democracy. Yeah, I know what the fourth of July is, smart-ass. No. None of the holidays. Not the tree one, the president one, the war one, and definitely not the one for the blacks. This ain't the post office.
Lip
Yeah.
Lip
I-I think I tweaked my back.
You're not gunning for workman's comp, are you, kid?
Lip
No, I just...
Good. 'Cause the "comp" stands for competition from the Mexicans who all want your job. So man up, or you're gonna be on permanent unpaid holiday.
...
MMatty
Last night, did we, um.
I know. It was wonderful.
MMatty
So that did happen?
MMatty
I was, I was plastered.
But you had a... Your thing...
MMatty
No, Debbie, that's biology. That's not consent. [Sighs]
I thought it meant you wanted to.
MMatty
Did I say I wanted to? Not exactly. Debbie, I was barely conscious, okay? You date-raped me.
MMatty
No, Debbie, you statutory-raped yourself. I could go to jail.
MMatty
Friends don't rape friends.
I-I didn't mean to rape you. I'm sorry.
[Matty walks away]
KPKaren Perlow
I'm Karen Perlow's mom-- 417? She gets a Ritalin every morning, never on an empty stomach, and then an Ativan at lunch-- two if she's feeling anxious at test times.
Lip
Okay, listen, I'm sorry, ma'am, but this isn't a summer camp, okay? And I'm not the camp nurse, so Karen, she has to handle her own reds and bennies, all right?
[Amanda is painting a nude woman in a Renaissance-esque style on Lip's dorm wall]
Lip
Jesus, what's she weigh in at, buck 90, 200?
Renaissance women weren't forced to starve themselves into an anorexic fashion industry marketing version of female sexuality.
Lip
I bet it was purely missionary. You know, getting caught under that would be like stepping on a grape.
Lip
What, they just give you a card?
They'll give you, like, ten if you want. We're the future. They're meth dealers. Give you your first few hits for free, get you hooked. I'm just gonna run it up and then beg daddy to pay it off, turn on the tears, tell him how much I love him, promise to come home for Christmas. He always caves.
Shameless · 903 quotes
