Debbie, that is not the outfit that we picked out for your first day, and you are so not leaving here in that.
I borrowed it from Mandy.
You do realize that I'm in middle school now, right?
Yeah, not stripper school. Go change.
...
Mandy, she's 13. She's not working the bedroom at the Mustang Ranch.
Yeah, like you never wore a short skirt when you were her age.
LipJeez, Fi, she's just trying to help.
...
Can you take Liam tomorrow?
Not sure. Those fruits of Islam people on 4th have a free daycare. If I say I hate whitey, I bet they'll watch him for a few hours. So is Lip getting serious about Mandy "Skankovich"? [Mandy appears behind her]
Oh, shit, Mandy, I'm sorry. You know I would have never said that to your face. Should I apologize or leave? I'm gonna leave.
Lip
You really don't get why I have a problem with this?
Lip
Really?
Lip
Ian, do you get why I have a problem with this?
Not getting in the middle.
Why are you being such a dick about this? Those applications are 90 pages long. It took me forever to fill them out.
[Karen walks by them in the opposite direction]
Lip
Wow. You're--
Lip
You're not my mother. You're not in charge of who I talk to or who has a picture of me on facebook. And you're sure as shit not in charge of if I go to college!
You think he's right? Men are never right. That's why women were invented, To think for you assholes.
[MIT recruiter meets Lip walking to his house]
Lip
Your insipid essay question asks me to tell you in 250 words about my most significant challenge in life. Honestly, it's hard to pick one. My guess is that you want to hear about my alcoholic father and my runaway mom or maybe about... you would eat that shit up. But those aren't my greatest challenges in life. An education system that pretends to be a meritocracy. My 4.6 GPA.
MSMIT scout
What would you want to study at MIT? Provided you could get past my well-meaning oblivion and the proximity of The Red Sox.
Lip
Robotics. But none of that undergrad filler bullshit. No 200-seat lectures taught by TAs. I just want the shit out in front of me.
Lip
Yeah, the tools, you know, the toys, The stuff I can't get access to in my ghetto high school.
Lip
Because I'd like to hang out with C-3PO in my lifetime. And at the rate you're going, that shit's not gonna happen.
MSMIT scout
I'm not following. You don't want to go to classes, you just want to play in a lab.
Lip
I don't want to sit in a lecture that teaches me how to modify algorithms instead of think for myself.
Lip
Okay, the people working the weaving machines in the 17th century, you know, they didn't see the steam engine coming. One invention: Industrial revolution. I mean, Encyclopedia Britannica didn't see Wikipedia coming. Great things don't happen in tiny little increments. You know, they happen when someone thinks completely differently. And all you geniuses, you just- you're just modifying algorithms.
Lip
That dude's a badass. You know, he's fluent in over 6 million forms of communication.
Lip
You, um- you plagiarized Nelson Mandela.
Lip
The MIT Application essay.
Oh, you think I should have wrote it myself?
Lip
No. I think you shouldn't have Applied to colleges for me without asking me.
I did ask you. I asked you, like, 100 times to get the applications in, And you ignored me.
Lip
For a reason.
What reason, that you're an idiot? That you want to waste your life laying around In this shit-hole neighborhood forever? You have any idea how much stuff I had to steal and sell to pay those application fees? It was a huge pain in the ass, and I did it for you. So you could be a little bit nicer about it. You know, you might even want to say thank you.
Lip
Thank you. [They make passionate love]
Lip
You use that Mandela speech in all the applications?
No, mixed it up a little bit. Couple of dead presidents and some guy called "Gandy."
Lip
I don't get why you'd want me to go to MIT. You know, Boston's pretty far away.
I thought maybe you'd take me with you, but--
Lip
But what?
No one's ever been as good to me as you have. You're better than this neighborhood. You're better than anyone I've ever met. And you deserve to get out. Even if you don't take me with you. Which I never really thought you would anyway.
[Lip is smoking at his bedroom window reminiscing over pics with Karen on his phone and Ian comes in throwing his backpack at a window near Lip]
That whore that Mickey's marrying is an actual whore that works at Garden Springs Spa.
Lip
Friends and family discounts on handy-Js.
Terry made Mickey fuck her to fuck the gay out of him.
Lip
When?
After he caught us together.
Lip
What? When? Dude, how did I not know this shit?
Lip
Well, did it work?
I mean, he might've faked it once or twice, but he wants to be with me. I know what he felt with me. You can't fake that. And now, this chick is pregnant.
Lip
[Puts hand on Ian's head] Ian, my brother, you need to get out there and fuck someone new, okay? And someone in his early 20s, not some old dude like Kash or Ned.
Lip
All right, seriously, go into a gay bar, make your need known, and have at it.
Mandy's upset you're upset about Karen.
Lip
Jesus. How many people is Mandy talking to?
Lip
Why... I don't know.
You can be a real shithead.
Lip
How did we get this mixed up with two people from the Milkovich family?
Lip
Yeah.
[Two officers are arresting Carl outside house]
1Officer 1
We know you've been stealing.
Lip
What the fuck?
1Officer 1
Kid, settle down. Can I help you? Who are you?
Lip
His brother. What's going on?!
1Officer 1
We have reason to believe this child may have robbed his former foster parents.
Lip
What proof you got?
1Officer 1
He had a code assigned to him. He's the only one that knows it.
Lip
That's not evidence. Get your hands off him.
1Officer 1
His code was a series of four letters. C-A-R-L.
Lip
Take your fucking hands off him, man. He's just a fucking kid.
1Officer 1
That's enough of that. Step back.
2Officer 2
Take your hands off the officer right now. [Frank wakes up in the van overhearing] It's gonna be okay. He stole from people. We're taking him in.
Lip
What are you taking him in for? He's a fucking kid.
Lip
Carl, come here. Get your fucking hands off me.
1Officer 1
I will arrest you. Do not touch him.
Lip
Why you being so rough with him?
OOfficer
Why is he being so rough with him?
Lip
You touch him again, I will arrest you.
OOfficer
Are you the parent?
Lip
What the fuck are you doing here?
OOfficer
We're taking your son in for questioning.
He didn't do the heist. I did. You see? Shiny, but a little bit big. I also got a boatload of electronics. Those sold fast. Did you know Chicago has several 24-hour pawn shops? He didn't-- He's innocent. I forced him to give me the code. Didn't I, son? Tell him. Oh, my God. He's dumber than a bag of hair. He couldn't pull off a Band-Aid, much less a robbery. [Turns back to officers and prepares hands for cuffs] Okay, here, cuff me before I get disorderly. [Gets put in cruiser] Be brave, son. Order room service.
[Shows up] What happened?
Lip
Hell froze over.
[Frank and Lip are at an upscale restaurant]
What does it take to get a refill around here?
Lip
Jacket and tie would probably help.
Ugh. This is nice. We don't spend enough time together.
Lip
No, we don't spend any time together.
Exactly my point. You know, son, you can always come to me.
Lip
Thanks, Dad.
Lip
That right?
Parent's plight. Never goes away. No matter how old your kid gets. Look at you. Eighteen now. A high school graduate, heh. Where the fuck is that waiter?
Lip
Don't go getting misty-eyed on me now.
Need any words of fatherly advice?
Lip
I think I got it covered.
Come on, come on. What's on your mind? Okay, why not? Day couldn't get any weirder. Um....
Lip
I'm done with school. I have no idea what I'm gonna do today, or tomorrow, or for the rest of my life, heh.
Lip
No.
Good for you. You're just like me, we march to the beat of a different drummer. Everyone will try to cage you in. Tell you to worry about your future. Know what your future should be? This. Living life to the fullest. Every day, like it's your last. This place is single-handedly lowering my tolerance. Let's hit the liquor store. [Brings out cash wad]
Lip
Hey, whoa, whoa. You really think they deserve your hard-earned money for that service?
Lip
Bite and bolt.
Lip
I'll take the front door.
Lip
Excuse me, I gotta take this call. Can we see a dessert menu, please?
[Lip approaches his African-American TA]
Lip
Yeah, I don't understand my grade on this paper. That would be a D?
TATeaching Assistant
Uh, yeah, I remember this one. I graded it.
Lip
Okay, so if you graded it, what was wrong with it?
TATeaching Assistant
Uh, it sucked.
Lip
It sucked? Um, look, I-I covered everything the assignment asked for. It was facile and glib.
TATeaching Assistant
You danced around and you tried to be clever, but there were no compelling insights or any attempt at original thought.
Lip
Oh, original thought on Byron's Childe Harold's Pilgrimage? Look, nobody's had an original thought on Childe Harold since Queen Victoria was still getting laid.
TATeaching Assistant
Look, this was crap, okay? You threw it together. You thought nobody would notice, but I noticed. Why are you taking this class anyway?
Lip
Because it was the only freshman English class available after noon.
TATeaching Assistant
Well, look, you got another week to add/drop before you're stuck in here, all right? You don't want to work any harder than this piece of shit, I suggest you find yourself another course.
Lip
Hey, you, you're, um-- you're that kid's older sister, right?
GSGus' sister
Oh, could you be a little more vague?
Lip
Yeah, fuck. Sorry, um He wa-- he was my year at Lincoln Grove. Sorry.
GSGus' sister
If you're talking about Gus, then yes.
Lip
Gus. Yeah, Gus. Yeah. Gus, that's right. Um, hey, hey, they let him out of Shawnee Correctional yet?
GSGus' sister
No, he got time added for being an idiot.
...
GSGus' sister
Who the hell are you?
Lip
Uh, Lip.
GSGus' sister
Lip-- Lip Gallagher. From Wallace Street.
Lip
Yeah, the one and only.
...
Lip
Hey, what are you doing here? One of these rich frat boys need a date for the night, or--
GSGus' sister
No, you asshole. I go to school here.
Lip
Oh, shit, seriously?
GSGus' sister
Seriously.Yeah, you're not the only smart fuck from the yards. There are four of us here. I guess five now, including you.
Lip
Shit, sorry. I-- you know, I didn't know.
GSGus' sister
Yeah, I will let it slide.
Lip
Okay. So how's it going? How you doing in this place?
GSGus' sister
Yeah, not bad.
Lip
That's good.
GSGus' sister
Yeah, I sucked ass my freshman year. It took me three semesters to catch up to what my classmates learned in high school. Unbelievable what a shitty education we got back home.
Lip
Yeah, hey, you want to walk over to the cafeteria with me? You know, I was gonna blaze up with one of the dishwashers.
Lip
Yeah, you see, I was supposed to hook up with this other chick tonight, but then I got dissed. So, um, I was thinking maybe, you know, me and you, we could smoke a fatty, maybe bang one out?
GSGus' sister
Are you for real?
Lip
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Lip
You see, that-- that's my roommate down there with his girlfriend, hitting the bong. You know, they're not gonna be back till, like, after midnight, so we're-- we're good.
GSGus' sister
Wow, so you think that just because you were some hot shit back home that that hood rat attitude is gonna work here?
Lip
Fuck. Excuse me for living. I didn't realize this place turned you into a fucking Disney princess.
GSGus' sister
No, fuck you. You're the kind of guy I came to college to get away from. [She walks away]
Lip
[Under his breath] Fuck you.
[Lip then starts scanning the room and makes eye contact with an obese hispanic girl]
[The obese hispanic girl is vigorously riding Lip's in his room]
LSLip's one night stand
[Repeatedly] Fuck me...!
Lip
Okay.
LSLip's one night stand
Fuck me!
Lip
Thought that's what I was doing.
LSLip's one night stand
Ah! Yes, yes. Lord, have mercy!
[She suddenly stops and silently gets off Lip, promptly gets dressed and immediately leaves without saying a word]
Lip
It's 50 grand a year for four years of frat parties, you know, intellectual circle jerks, speed reading 300-year-old novels that'll be forgotten the second the test is over, all because, you know, we're told we can't succeed in the world without a piece of paper. You know, and it's bullshit. Bill Gates dropped out. Steve Jobs.
That's that center for the Blackhawks?
Lip
Yeah, you know, it just all one big collegiate scam.
I'm glad that place didn't turn you into an elitist prick.
Lip
No, still a Southside prick like all the rest of you.
[Enters Alibi Room] Jesus Christ, Russian whores know how to run their mouths when there ain't some dude's junk jammed in there. [To Lip] Weren't you supposed to be at college or some shit?
Lip
Nope, packing up my Kant and Milton Friedman. I'm done with all that crap.
...
You were joking, right, about not going back to college?
Lip
Serious. I'm done.
I was hoping you were blowing off some steam.
Lip
Well, the truth is, it's not only up to me. My grades suck. But the only reason I'm going back there is to pack my shit and split.
Lip
I'll figure it out. [Kevin scoffs] What?
Lip
Excuse me?
You heard me. Tough it out, man. What are you, a pussy? It's like I said. It's not only up to me. You're resourceful. You'll figure it out.
Lip
Look, Kev, this is the first good day I've had since I left for that shithole.
Lip, do you want to end up like me? Clawing for every penny, praying that you can figure out some way to support your family? Because that's what I'm going through. I got bills up to my ass and let me tell you something. It fucking sucks. Well, you're resourceful. You'll figure it out.
Lip
All right. College is a racket, huh?
Well, guess what? There's no one better at beating the system than you. Hell, man, you got them to give you four fucking years for free. Why don't you get your damn diploma, spit in their faces and have a fucking future?
Lip
Kev, I am trying to drink my beer, enjoy being back home.
This isn't your home. It's where you grew up. It's not where you're supposed to be.
Lip
And what, now you're the arbiter on where everybody's supposed to be?
Yeah, maybe, if I knew what arbiter meant.
Lip
I'm getting pretty damn tired of everybody telling me where I should be and what I should be doing.
Then stop making them have to! Grow the fuck up!
Lip
Um... Thanks for the beers, Kev.
Shameless · 903 quotes
