Frank Gallagher quotes from Shameless

Thank you all for coming out in honor of Aunt Ginger. "GG" as I called her. You now, when the guy at the funeral place handed me her ashes, I thought, what the hell do I do with these? Put 'em in a vase on my mantle? Or scatter them at the park or the lake? Then I thought, no, I know where she was happiest. On this corner, her corner, where she turned tricks in her 20s and 30s.

Frank

And 60s!

Carl

She did magic tricks?

Frank

No, no, no, son. "Turning tricks" is a euphemism for prostitution. In her day, your great aunt was a legendary pole smoker. Could unlock her jaw like a Burmese python.

We are at her funeral. You know, some think Gallaghers don't have a work ethic, but Ginger worked this corner rain, sleet, snow, her old knees hitting that hard pavement again and again. Bertie Giddelman is the only one that's outlasted her. Look, you all knew Ginger, so I ain't gonna sugarcoat it. She was a mean old bitch. But even a mean old bitch deserves a send off. Here, here. So this is us, Ginger, sending you off, right where you belong. [Pours ashes out in gutter] It's touching. I'm tearing up. Okay, kids, let's go.

Fiona

Patrick. So Ginger had a will that we didn't know about, and you just had it sitting in a drawer?

Yep.

Fiona

And even though she hated your guts, she left our house to you?

It was never your house.

Lip

It's weird, you know, how she signed the will only a year ago, you know, her being an invalid and all.

Signed and notarized.

Lip

I don't remember you coming by with a lawyer.

I gotta get back to my family.

Fiona

Six kids with nowhere else to go.

Why don't we talk about this when the sting of losing Ginger has worn off, hmm? Tomorrow, maybe?

Lip

You want to tell them or should I?

Frank

Oh? You appreciate the irony, right? Senseless arguments about who gets what bedroom, refusing to allow me to stay. Now, nobody gets to stay.

Ian

Why is Frank here again?

Fiona

There's a small chance he'll be able to help since he's known Patrick longer than any of us.

Carl

Patrick wants to steal our house?

Lip

He's a contractor. He's gonna flip it. Slap a coat of paint on it, call it "a cozy, authentic pre-war," and offload it to yuppies.

Fiona

Not gonna happen. So let's go over our options.

Debbie

I'll write them down.

Ian

[They all walk to kitchen table] All right, look, we know the will is bullshit. It was signed a year ago, and Ginger's been dead for what, 10?

Fiona

More like 15.

Debbie

[Starts writing] Option one. Prove will is a forgery.

Lip

We can't call the cops because we faked Ginger's death and forged a will of our own.

Fiona

Plus Frank's been cashing Ginger's social security checks.

Frank

Oh, like you didn't share in that bounty?

Lip

What we could do, we could argue that Ginger wasn't of sound mind when she signed it. I mean, she was never of sound mind anyway.

Debbie

Option two. Say Ginger was crazy.

Jimmy

Or convince Patrick to back off somehow.

Debbie

Yeah, that's three.

Frank

Good luck with that! His nickname used to be Pit Bull. It was partly an odor thing, but also because once he gets ahold of you, he doesn't let go. You gotta kill him first.

Debbie

Option four. Kill Patrick.

Frank

It's time to face reality. Patrick out-Gallaghered us, and there's no point in fighting it.

Ian

Easy for you to say, you're at Sheila's.

Frank

So before you're out on the streets like so many Somalian refugees, ask yourselves, "if Patrick is taking the house, what are we taking?" Copper pipes.

Fiona

You're not taking the pipes, Frank. You really think there's a way to challenge the will?

Lip

Why not? You know, if I can bone up on probate law.

Fiona

All in favor. [Everyone raises hands] Unanimous.

Frank

Well, like hell it is.

Fiona

Lip will handle the will. The rest of you, get ready for the first day of school tomorrow. Debbie and Carl, pick out something to wear that doesn't have holes.

Carl

Wouldn't it just be easier to kill him?

Fiona

Clothes, now. We better work fast. Winter's coming, and it'll be cold sleeping in the park.

Frank

This is why democracy does not work.

Sheila

And now that you're home, I'm sure the Wongs will let us spend more time with him.

Karen

I'm not sure I'm ready for that yet.

Sheila

I know you want to be involved in Hymie's life. In fact, I found a flyer for a support group.

Karen

Support for what?

Sheila

For families affected with Down's Syndrome. I thought it might be a way for us to educate ourselves about Hymie's needs.

Sheila

Butt out, Frank!

Sheila

Um, Frank.

Frank

Uh-huh?

Sheila

Honey, we've been through a lot together.

Frank

That we have, Sheils, that we have.

Sheila

Um, but Hymie's gone, and with Karen and Jody here, it's kind of a full house.

Frank

What? No. No, no, no, don't say that.

Sheila

Frank, I'm just asking you to go home to your family.

Frank

My family threw me out with no regard for my well-being. Do you want me homeless? Do you want me wandering the streets just as old man winter winds his way down from the frozen north?

Sheila

Don't you have someone you can stay with, like a friend?

Frank

Just as I'm getting my life together. I'm going to AA.

Sheila

You go because a judge ordered you to go.

Frank

Sheila.

Sheila

Frank, you're a good man, but you've got to find another place to stay.

What are you reading about?

Frank

A bunch of uppity queers claiming that domestic partnership rights are not good enough for them.

They get offended when you call them queers, Frank.

Frank

Calling people by their name is not, nor should it ever, be argued as offensive. God almighty.

You okay?

Frank

No! I'm a pauper, and somehow I got the king's disease.

Gonorrhea?

Frank

Kings don't screw whores. They screw virgins or their nieces. The king's disease is gout. Big toe is throbbing like blue balls that no blowjob can ever fix. You got any percs or vikes?

No, but I could call my doctor, See if she can fit you in. She's super nice. Korean. Small fingers.

Frank

No, thank you. Doctors are crooks, Especially the Korean ones. Never trust a culture that makes sausages from dogs.

Frank, I'm pretty sure that's racist.

Frank

Accurate is not racist. Write that down in your AA journal.

Vote Paul Lashmet for a better Chicago. Hope I can count on your vote. Nice to meet you.

Frank

[To a young mother with a baby crying] Can't you shut the baby up?

I could shove her up your ass and see if that does it.

Frank

You need to learn respect for your elders.

You need to learn to not be a total dickwad.

Frank

I have a plan to put chicago back to work. Hey. Hey. Over here. I know you can hear me, Mr. Give-me-your-vote! You want to know what's wrong with this city? You want to know what doesn't work? My wife and I got married after three weeks of dating, and she turned out to be a bipolar-drug-addict--easy who left me alone with six kids to raise, while my domestic partner, Mr. Christopher Collier, is a clean and sober, hardworking citizen of this country. I think he deserves the same rights as a woman who would abandon her children.

Thank you, sir. And I will consider your situation.

Frank

Don't you turn your back on me. Oh, don't you worry. I'm a citizen of this country. I live in this city. My partner works for this city. But because we're not married, which the law doesn't even allow, I might add, I am not allowed to share in his insurance benefits. Which means for me, it's stand in the line At the free clinic or suffer. That's not only unfair and unchristian, it's flat out un-american. I'm a citizen. Where are my equal rights? Fix that, Mr. I-want-to-be-mayor. [Frank's bus goes on without him] Fuck.

Hey, faggot.

Frank

I am not a faggot. And I could sue you for the use of the word.

Whoa, Nellie. I'm on your side. Come on in. Let us buy you a drink. Come on. I'm not gonna bite- unless you ask me to.

Frank

[Lying in a backyard with Abraham Paige's assistant lifting Frank's eyelids to confirm life waiking Frank who looks up to Abraham with the sun shining behind him]

Frank

Oh, hey. Bright. [Chuckles]

Abraham

Mr. Gallagher, when you're ready to rise, we'd like to buy you a meal and have a chat.

Abraham

We've looked into your records, Frank. You're an alcoholic, a derelict. Not the kind of man we usually want on our side. But you, my friend, have stumbled ass over teakettle into the most significant moment in the history of the gay rights movement. We both know that we're not second-class citizens, but there are a lot of people in this country who still need convincing. And you are the missing piece in our puzzle. You're blue-collar, working-class, Irish-Catholic. You have the ears of the people whose minds most need changing. You also have dog shit on your face and no place to live, but we can fix that if you agree to work with us.

Frank

You've got my attention, mister...

Abraham

Paige. Abraham Paige. We'll clean you up. We'll house you. We'll coach you. Do you remember "Joe the Plumber"? Heard of him?

Frank

He's a personal hero of mine.

Abraham

Well, you are gay joe.

Frank

Frank the plumber?

Abraham

No. Frank, the father. Frank, the son. Frank, the neighbor. Frank, the face of the gay-rights movement.

Abraham

Hey. Okay, let's get started. You all know why you're here. You've seen his story on the news, on Twitter feeds, on your Facebook walls. His is a tale of a lifetime in the closet, of a brave midlife embrace of his true nature, and an acknowledgment that he is a lightning rod for a vital civil rights issue. Ladies and gentlemen, Frank Gallagher. Frank?

Frank

Um... We're at a-- we are at a crucial time in our nation's history. Where, as a nation, we'll either pivot toward what's right... or, um... stay stuck in what's wrong, and make no mistake, right now, it's a horrible time to be gay. And I, like all of you, have experienced it firsthand. Apparently, I've caused a ruckus because I said that gay folks deserve certain civil rights-- rights that the breeders don't want to bestow upon me. Ha, ha, ha. Upon we. Those breeders, all they wanna do is stop us from having the sex that they wish they were having. If... if-- if the kind of sex we're having is what offends them most, they should let us get married, 'cause anybody who's been married knows that the sex is downhill from there. Now, we have long-- thank you. We have long been wronged, and it's time for legislation that allows our private parts to be aroused by the people God intended to arouse them. And-- and it's time for that arousal to happen within marriage! So get out your wallets, or your-- your man purses, or whatever, and give now, 'cause I hope never to be up again this early, unless it's rolling over with a couple of you in bed. Thank you. I love you.

Abraham

Shit, you're good! How did you get so good?

Frank

My whole life, I've been trying to convince people to do what they really don't want to do. The-- the envelope, kind sir? Thank you, thank you. Now, we gotta talk about upgrading my room.

Abraham

Uh, you can tip the front desk with some of my recently departed hard-earned cash. The front desk at the Merchant Motor Inn is behind bulletproof glass.

Abraham

It's plexiglass. You have a queen bed and premium channels.

Frank

You saw what I did here. I'm your new rainmaker. I can get these rump-swappers to cough up cash night and day.

Abraham

"Rump-swappers"? There's a slur I've never heard before. Okay, we'll see how the high school speech goes, but until then, you're still on the clock, so go shake some hands, ya little rump-swapper. [Slaps Frank's butt]

Frank

You saucy tart, you.

Allow me to introduce myself. Alistair Huddleston. Can I buy you a drink?

Frank

Make it two. To men.

I work for "Return To Paradise Project." We're a transformational ministry specializing in conversion therapy. We return homosexuals to healthy heterosexual lifestyles.

Frank

Why would you go do that?

We believe that homosexuality is curable. Though some find pleasure in it, homosexuality is an addiction, an addiction that tears families apart.

Frank

I have a gay son. Never have to worry about him impregnating some skanky neighborhood slut and bringing home her unplanned-for half-breed. I wish I'd known I was gay back then. I could've risen high in any one of the many fields dominated by gays. Entertainment, politics, broadcasting. Tennis.

You're working for Abraham Paige's agenda?

Frank

I'm cleaning up. Helping the oppressed.

They're addicted, not oppressed, and we can pay you more.

Frank

How much more?

Stipend, room, board, and substantial speaking fees upon completion of therapy.

Frank

I draw the line at therapy.

But Frank, see, without the therapy, there's no cure. I want to be able to say we cured you. Gay is who I am now. Gay is who I shall be. Frank, you once walked the true path of heterosexual love. If I were to redirect you back onto that path, you'll be a much more compelling speaker for our cause, because you'll have been singed by the fires of hell, but lived to tell. Our therapy works. It starts with aversion techniques, conditioning you to avoid certain gay-sex triggers. Clinical fornication would start once you've practiced some of those techniques.

Frank

Sorry, clinical fornication?

We house you in the Delacroix Hotel, and deliver women to you to have sex with until you're cured.

Frank

I-I-I'm sorry, I interrupted you. What--?

We feel this is a lesser sin than sodomy. I grant that this seems unconventional, but new ideas are necessary to counter unwavering plagues. We're paving a road back to God, and the devil has erected obstacles that call for rule-bending in service of a greater good.

Frank

Throw in some walking around money, and I'll give it a shot.

[Wheels in room service for Frank in his hotel room] Prime rib for two?

Frank

Right there. Yeah. Oh. Oh, yeah.

[Lays plate on coffee table] And here you go, and here you go. Mr. Gallagher? Please excuse my informality, but I saw you on TV, and just, on behalf of the entire gay community, I want to thank you for putting yourself in the crosshairs of this political issue. I mean, it's courageous and inspiring. Whatever you need while you are here... uh... please, just do not hesitate to ask.

Frank

Ketchup.

What?

Frank

Ketchup.

Oh! Absolutely, yes. Um, my name is Jésus. Do you need me to sign you up for any spa treatments, or...

Frank

Well, I'm wide-open tomorrow, chockablock me some massages from sunup to sundown. Throw in a facial.

Okay- will do.

Frank

Ketchup.

Oh, right!

Frank, this is Scotty.

Hi, Frank.

Frank

[Grabs Alistair] Could you excuse us just one second? I- [Pulls Alistair in the room aside with Scotty going near the bed] I am not gonna stop fucking men to start fucking women who look like men.

This is a ministry, not a brothel. The volunteers who are ready are teamed with others who are ready.

Thanks for being here and doing this with me.

Scotty's been with us for six months of hard, devoted work trying to overcome her lesbian tendencies. You're going to help each other.

[Starts taking clothes off] It's been a long road, but I want to be right with God.

As does Frank. Don't you, Frank?

Frank

It's always good to have God in your corner.

The goal of this stage is to stimulate one another, and see if stimulation can lead to copulation and orgasm. Okay, uh, you're anxious to go. I'm gonna slip out before you slip off anything else.

Frank

Is this really happening?

God willing. The last time Alistair brought a man in to see me, he left in tears after I got undressed. Last time I shave everything.

Scotty has been taking birth control, but as an extra precaution against STDs, please use the condoms I provided for you in the bathroom. Be like Adam and Eve, discovering one another for the first time in the Garden of Eden- naked, discovering each other, bringing to each other the pleasure that God intended for them. No shame, no guilt, no knowledge of things that distract us from God's love.

Oh, give it to me, Rihanna! Yeah! Oh, yeah!

Abraham

Open the door.

Go! Almost there. Oh, almost there! [Abraham enters the room]

Frank

Oh, my God. I-I can explain.

Abraham

Reparative therapy? Jésus, get her out of here. [Lover boys start dressing and manhandling Scotty out of room]

But I can fix him. I can try harder.

Abraham

Get!

I can do it!

Abraham

Jesus, get her out! You let yourself be brainwashed by Alistair Huddleston and his "Return To Paradise Project" lunatics?

Frank

I thought she was a he. She was wearing Pendleton plaid and combat boots. Paul Bunyan's blue ox would have been fooled. All she needed was an axe.

Abraham

Jesus, lock the door.

Frank

I'm gay! Hey, Jesus, wait. I'm gay. I'm completely 100% gay.

Abraham

Good. Now you're gonna prove it. Boys. [Lover boys take their place and disrobe and Abraham sits on bench] I like to watch.

Frank

[Dreading tone] Oh, boy. I mean, [with fake enthusiasm] oh, boy!

We know you've been stealing.

Lip

What the fuck?

Kid, settle down. Can I help you? Who are you?

Lip

His brother. What's going on?!

We have reason to believe this child may have robbed his former foster parents.

Lip

What proof you got?

He had a code assigned to him. He's the only one that knows it.

Lip

That's not evidence. Get your hands off him.

His code was a series of four letters. C-A-R-L.

Lip

Take your fucking hands off him, man. He's just a fucking kid.

That's enough of that. Step back.

Take your hands off the officer right now. [Frank wakes up in the van overhearing] It's gonna be okay. He stole from people. We're taking him in.

Lip

What are you taking him in for? He's a fucking kid.

Get back.

Lip

Carl, come here. Get your fucking hands off me.

I will arrest you. Do not touch him.

Lip

Why you being so rough with him?

Why is he being so rough with him?

Lip

You touch him again, I will arrest you.

Frank

Good evening, gentlemen.

Are you the parent?

Frank

Why, yes I am.

Lip

What the fuck are you doing here?

Frank

I'm coming home.

We're taking your son in for questioning.

Frank

He didn't do the heist. I did. You see? Shiny, but a little bit big. I also got a boatload of electronics. Those sold fast. Did you know Chicago has several 24-hour pawn shops? He didn't-- He's innocent. I forced him to give me the code. Didn't I, son? Tell him. Oh, my God. He's dumber than a bag of hair. He couldn't pull off a Band-Aid, much less a robbery. [Turns back to officers and prepares hands for cuffs] Okay, here, cuff me before I get disorderly. [Gets put in cruiser] Be brave, son. Order room service.

Ian

[Shows up] What happened?

Lip

Hell froze over.

Frank

What does it take to get a refill around here?

Lip

Jacket and tie would probably help.

Frank

Ugh. This is nice. We don't spend enough time together.

Lip

No, we don't spend any time together.

Frank

Exactly my point. You know, son, you can always come to me.

Lip

Thanks, Dad.

Frank

I worry about you.

Lip

That right?

Frank

Parent's plight. Never goes away. No matter how old your kid gets. Look at you. Eighteen now. A high school graduate, heh. Where the fuck is that waiter?

Lip

Don't go getting misty-eyed on me now.

Frank

Need any words of fatherly advice?

Lip

I think I got it covered.

Frank

Come on, come on. What's on your mind? Okay, why not? Day couldn't get any weirder. Um....

Lip

I'm done with school. I have no idea what I'm gonna do today, or tomorrow, or for the rest of my life, heh.

Frank

So no plans?

Lip

No.

Frank

Good for you. You're just like me, we march to the beat of a different drummer. Everyone will try to cage you in. Tell you to worry about your future. Know what your future should be? This. Living life to the fullest. Every day, like it's your last. This place is single-handedly lowering my tolerance. Let's hit the liquor store. [Brings out cash wad]

Lip

Hey, whoa, whoa. You really think they deserve your hard-earned money for that service?

Frank

Dine and dash?

Lip

Bite and bolt.

Frank

Eat it and beat it?

Lip

I'll take the front door.

Frank

Excuse me, amigo, baño?

Lip

Excuse me, I gotta take this call. Can we see a dessert menu, please?

Wow, you're in bad shape.

Frank

Well, tell me something I don't know.

Could I see your card?

Frank

Yes. It's legit, too. Not like these whiners.

Are you looking for anything specific?

Frank

Yeah. Something to make me not feel like I'm being stabbed repeatedly by a small army of knife-wielding Neo-Nazis.

Well, we have Irene Kush for chronic arthritis. Sour Diesel for anxiety and panic attacks. Big Buddha Cheese for muscle spasms.

Frank

What about for fatal liver damage?

We don't recommend bud for cirrhosis. Studies show a higher rate of moderate to severe fibrosis, or tissue scarring, in regular...

Frank

Okay, fine. Let's skip the FDA warning. Give me an ounce of the Buddha. And a med-ibles menu. [Hands over cash wad] And some samples. Free samples.

I... um... this'll get you, like, an eighth of low-grade schwag and two cookies.

Frank

Sold.