FrankI'll tell you this. For all of their laziness and lack of motivation, the Mexicans are a lovely people.
Why'd you go down there, Frank? Hey, I'll take another, Kev.
Frank
Sometimes a man just has to get away, be alone with his thoughts.
[Kevin slides bottle to Tommy and Frank intercepts it, uncaps and takes a sip with Tommy snatching it from Frank, wiping the bottle top on his shirt] Hey! Jesus. So what, you woke up from a drunken stupor, ddidn't know where you were?
Frank
I knew exactly where I was. Had a business opportunity With our south-of-the-border brothers. What did you do to your foot?
It fell off. Was the only prosthetic I could afford.
What kind of business opportunity?
Frank
I was hired to move some inventory.
Frank
Only the best the Mexicanos have ever seen.
Not something you really want to be bragging about, Frank. Which end did it go in?
Frank
Tommy! Hey, you still got that garage?
Yeah, it kinda comes with the house, Frank.
Frank
Great. What say you let me sleep there?
Frank
Why the hell not?
Because the last time you stayed at my place, you shit in my kitchen sink.
Frank
The layout of your home is very confusing.
No, Frank. No means no. [Holds up middle finger]
Frank
Fuck you, Tommy. Fuck you means fuck you.
Frank
Kermit! My best friend.
You can't stay with me, Frank.
Frank
Wh--what if I suck your dick?
Frank. What if you immigrate to Mexico, Frank? Reverse the prevailing tide.
Frank
Why are you even here? Should be collecting disability. 'cause I didn't injure my foot at work. Hey, let me crash at your place. I'll tell the insurance company that you did.
Why can't you stay at your place, Frank?
Frank
Ungrateful little shits! That's why. Things I do for them. Blood, sweat, and tears. [Phone rings at bar] This is not how a family treats each other.
[Answers phone] Yeah. Hang on. [Hands phone to Kevin] It's for you. V.
Hey, baby, what's going on? What? No, yeah, okay. Okay, I'll be right there. Watch the bar. [Walks away]
Frank
Little redheaded bitch is the worst of 'em. Expect it from the others, but not from- not from- from... Her- Debbie. Orphan Annie turned on me. That's how I got all these bruises. She hit me. With a bat. Now, I can't touch her. No. That is child abuse. I'd get reported. [Has an epiphany and makes call hiding behind coffee maker] Operator, can you connect me with child welfare ser- services? Yes, hello. I would like to report, uh... a- a negligence situation. 2119 North Wallace. Gallagher. Six kids living in squalor. No parental supervision. When the father is there, he's drunk. He hits them. Not--n-not that they don't deserve it. They're all criminals, delinquents, vio- what? No, if it's all right, I would like to remain anonymous. No, thank you. And God bless you.
[Listening nearby] That is an all-time low. Even for you, Frank.
Cancer? How did I get cancer?
Frank
You must have caught it from Grammy, son.
Frank
If she had known that she had the contagious kind, I don't think she would've spent so much time with you in the basement, cooking meth.
Frank
I hope not. But right now we have to fight and fight hard. You ready to fight with me, Carl? [Starts buzzin Carl's hair]
Why do we have to shave it?
Frank
Didn't you ever see any shows about cancer? Cancer people are always bald.
Frank
Grammy hated life. She wanted to die, but you love life. And one of the most important ways you can fight the cancer is to let the sunrays in through your skull.
Why are you shaving Carl's head?
Frank
Lice.
Since when do you... parent?
Frank
Since you dropped the ball.
Frank
The vermin were literally jumping off his scalp.
Well, make sure you wash the sheets too, okay?
Frank
I look like a woman?
Frank
Yes. Yes, you do.
Frank
No, Fiona is not going to freak out, because Fiona is not going to know. You're a man now, Carl. The cancer makes you a man. And as a man, it's your job to keep secrets from the women who love you.
Jeez, I'm gonna look like a penis.
Frank
I'll get you a hat. I'll get you a hat.
[Frank is at the Make-A-Wish Foundation administrations office]
Frank
You said you catered to dying children!
MWMake-A-Wish Administrator
Sir, the Bulls only give us so many packages per season and it takes months.
[Frank puts hand on Carl's back] Ow! What the fuck, Frank?!
Frank
That's going on all day, every day! My son is suffering! Have you no soul?!
MWMake-A-Wish Administrator
If you fill out an application now, I can almost guarantee that for next year-
Frank
He doesn't have a year!
MWMake-A-Wish Administrator
[Hands Frank a brochure] There's a camp. All the spots are full, but there's a quadriplegic. He won't get much out of it. I can bump him for Carl.
Frank
Camp?! Like summer camp?!
MWMake-A-Wish Administrator
It's beautiful, on a lake, a wonderful place for children to feel normal one last time.
Frank
What the hell am I supposed to do with a trip to cancer camp?!
[Snatches brochure from Frank] I've never been to camp!
Frank
[Holding Debbie underwater in bathroom tub to practice for swimming] Stay down. Stay down! Stay. Stay.
Frank
Not long enough. You need at least 90 seconds. City pools are filled with city kids, and by "city kids" I mean black kids who swim. Little stereotype-breakers, like those two kids that ripped your bathing suit last year.
They were turning it into a bikini.
Frank
If they'll do that when you're just running through the sprinklers at your own house, think what they'll do when they have a large body of water at their disposal. Savage little Cosby kids will drown your ass. Times have changed. Yeah, that's what they said when they were holding me underwater repeatedly in the summer of '67, the so-called summer of love. Not at the Sullivan street pool, it wasn't. It was the summer of drowning whitey. And until you can hold your breath longer than they can hold their breath, you're not going to Sullivan Street.
Frank
Shh, shh, shh. You all packed?
Frank
Just staple some sheets together.
This camp's got a rifle range and woods all around a lake. I'm definitely gonna kill something, like a grizzly, mountain lion, maybe a tiger. Or I might just go in the canoe and shoot some fish.
Frank
Cancer's opening up a whole wonderful world for you, a world your other siblings will never get to experience. But they don't know that this camp is only for kids with cancer, so, like I said before, you must keep that secret. Are you still someone I can trust?
Why am I the only one who caught cancer from Grammy?
Frank
Life is rife with questions that baffle. All we can do is carry on.
Frank
Time will tell. But don't you worry. I'm working on a cure.
...
Carl, what are you doing?
All right, take my ROTC sleeping bag, huh?
Yeah. I'll grab it from upstairs. Why couldn't you win a raffle for camp when I was little, Frank?
Frank
Fortune dispenses randomly. I hated camp. [To Carl] Don't listen to Jamie, Carl.
[Frank is dropping Carl off at the camp bus]
Will you be coming up for parents day, Mr. Gallagher?
Frank
No. No, no. Working. No time to relax. Being able to afford Carl's cancer drugs means a lot of time at the foundry. And, if I'm late, I get docked. I get docked too many times, I get fired. If I get fired, I lose my benefits, benefits that will provide treatments to extend Carl's life past the doctor's original dire predictions.
We'll take good care of him, I promise.
Frank
Thank you.
Okay, folks, bus is leaving. Get your hugs in.
Frank
Okay, check it out. [Hands Carl a bottle of pills that are likely breath mints] I was able to pull some strings and get you these special cancer pills. Take one a day. They'll give you the energy To get through camp.
Will they cure my cancer?
Frank
Depends on your attitude.
[Hugs Frank] I love you, dad.
Frank
Okay. Okay, good. There you go. Be brave.
Frank
You don't have to want it. Doing things you don't want to do is how you make a relationship work.
I can't, Frank. I'm sorry. Sex toys are a gateway choice.
Frank
Toys can be mind-expanding.
I just got my one-year chip from sex addicts anonymous. Part of my recovery's to make certain that I only have loving, committed sex. No battery-powered aids allowed.
Frank
She just wants to kick it up a notch. Make her happy.
The key to my continued happiness is to have loving sex infrequently.
I've mastered the infrequent part.
Frank
This isn't about your happiness. It's about Sheila's.
I finally got my life back under control. If I kick it up a notch, there's no stopping me. It's an addiction.
Oh, would you stop bragging? We're all sex addicts, man.
What, thinking about it? Yeah. More.
No, the act. Arousal and release. Before I got into SA, I was having sex 10, 12 times a day.
Frank
Giving or receiving?
Never receiving. I was destroying.
That's what I used to call it; "destroying pussy."
You all make coming to work such a delight. [She walks away]
Frank
10, 12 times a day? The same woman?
Never. That's the thing about the internet. Once you announce your depravity, there's plenty of other depravers seeking company. I mean, if you put it out there, you can find a ton of willing participants who want to be humiliated having sex.
I got to re-up my AOL account.
One week, I had 32 different partners. Didn't cost me a dime. Toys, contraptions, Restraints. You know, you start messing around, you think you're under control, but eventually you abuse your arousal center, needing stranger and stranger shit to flip your switch. I mean, I started to look at sex like a fight, and my weapon was my cock. I knew I really had a problem when I couldn't get hard unless I was slapping it in the face of a woman who was pretending she was crying.
Frank
I underestimated you, Jody. In a bar full of depraved people, you are the grand poobah of depravity.
Was. Won't be again. What do I owe you for the Ginger Ale, Kev?
Frank
Couple of tips: Don't relax. Pretend you're scared. She likes that.
I don't have to pretend, though.
Frank
It'll stretch. Trust me. If god didn't want us putting things up our ass, He would have given the rectum a gag reflex.
Loving sex is a rule of my program.
Frank
Don't let your emotions completely obscure the barbaric roots of the sexual act.
Don't lose touch with the seeds of our animal nature.
Frank
That's a good thing. We're not animals.
We're people with the ability To elevate sex to a spiritual, loving experience.
[Frank is sleeping in a dirt hole leaning against fence and Fiona walks along kicking Frank in the head]
Frank
Enough with the kicking! Christ!
Frank
I can't- I give up. I need sleep.
Let me spell this out for you. The city digs up some bones. The police show up. They figure out it's Aunt Ginger. They date the bones. They realize she's been dead for 14 years, And yet, her social security checks are being cashed every month. This isn't a DUI, Frank. You buried a body and you stole from the federal government. You will never get out of prison. Think about it.
Frank
Fuck.
Frank
Yes, son?
Why would a dude put his penis In another dude's mouth?
Frank
Well, sometimes men discover things about themselves, like they prefer male genitalia To female genitalia.
Wait. So some guys like to lick wieners?
Frank
Well, I'm sure at first they're attracted To each other's build. And once a connection gets made, Then the wieners get licked. It's a scorcher today, ain't it?
[Debbie walks up to Frank jackhammering in the backyard]
Frank
Hey. Whoa. You stink like bleach.
Yeah, I was at the pool today. I stayed under for 112 seconds.
Frank
Hey, good for you!
Frank
Show those syphilis-ridden turbo sluts a thing or two. They think they own the water just 'cause they piss in it.
[Jimmy is at The Alibi]
I don't care if it's your 44th. We don't do buybacks.
Hey, news flash, princess. So is 150% of the patronage here.
Welcome back. How was your vacay?
Oh, I went surfing, got hit by a jet ski, Saw a dolphin masturbate.
Well, my finger's broken, my parents are divorced, And my dad's a fairy, so--
A fairy? Hello, 1983. Did you get my co2 tanks?
Hey, can you make it quick? I gotta get out of here.
Hey. You know, not for nothin', but, uh, no one likes to hear a grown man whine. It's like the verbal equivalent of a dude wearing uggs.
Yeah, well, I appreciate the sympathy, thanks.
Get over it. Fiona doesn't have room for it. She's busting her ass just to keep food on the table.
Frank
[Walks in] Good denizens of Cook County, I have a proposition. [Patrons murmurs] Do you remember- Do you remember the holdup of that jewelry store on South Ashland in '92?
PPatron
Oh, yeah, sure. Bastards cleaned out these poor spics of every piece of crap that they had.
Frank
That was my mother. She did the heist. And I think she buried the crap in my backyard.
PPatron
How do you know that?
Frank
Well, she stashed it somewhere and then she forgot where. So the other day I was planting some basil. I've recently gotten back into gardening. And I found this.
PPatron
Shit, is that gold?!
Frank
Could be. Pretty dirty, gotta get it appraised. The point being, this is only the tip of the golden iceberg. Now I can't dig it all up by myself. So I will give a sizeable cut to anyone who helps me unearth it. So who's with me? [Patrons sparsely chuckles]
Frank
There you go. Bravo, soldiers. Onward, onward. Let's go. Let's do it. That's the spirit. This is what made America great.
[Fixing kitchen light fixture] Damn, it's hot up here
That's because heat rises.
Then how come space is so cold? [Someone knocks on door] I got it.
Who's at the door? [Jody opens door ]
Frank
Hey, uh...
Who's at the door, baby? [Frank comes in and Sheila gasps] No! Frank, no!
Frank
Wait.
You- first of all, get out! Get out!
Frank
Just hear me out.
You are not allowed in here. Get out!
Frank
DFS pinched my kids. I need you to pretend to be Monica to help me get them back.
What? No! No! Why should I do anything for you? You left Hiram all alone.
Frank
I am begging you. As someone who knows what it feels like to lose a kid. Karen ran away. Can you imagine what it must feel like to have them taken from you? This isn't for Frank, okay? It's for Debbie and Carl and Liam. Maybe you should do it, Shelly-Bear...For the kids.
Frank
[Kevin slides a shot and Frank downs it] Last one.
If I had a dime for every time I heard you say that, I'd have exactly one dime.
Frank
Court hearing's tomorrow.
I thought you already pissed in a cup.
Frank
Spot test. Anything to keep families apart. One more.
CChester
Amen, Frank. Gestapo tried to declare me an unfit parent.
Frank
You brought a crack pipe to the courthouse.
Who the hell tries to run a crack pipe through a metal detector?
Frank
I know the dog and pony-- show up in a suit, flash some AA chips, character reference. They'll hand the brats right over.
Well, it's nice to know the bar is set so high.
Frank
Nothing more American than a second chance. Or a third or a fourth. Redemption, tugs at the heartstrings. Shot for the road.
CChester
Oh, you be careful, Frank. Those child-stealing liberal bastards are out for blood.
Frank
Broke my judicial cherry years ago, Chester. They will never take my kids from me. I want the kids.
Shameless · 903 quotes
