[Frank and Abraham are at a convention of a hotel conference room]
Hey. Okay, let's get started. You all know why you're here. You've seen his story on the news, on Twitter feeds, on your Facebook walls. His is a tale of a lifetime in the closet, of a brave midlife embrace of his true nature, and an acknowledgment that he is a lightning rod for a vital civil rights issue. Ladies and gentlemen, Frank Gallagher. Frank?
Um... We're at a-- we are at a crucial time in our nation's history. Where, as a nation, we'll either pivot toward what's right... or, um... stay stuck in what's wrong, and make no mistake, right now, it's a horrible time to be gay. And I, like all of you, have experienced it firsthand. Apparently, I've caused a ruckus because I said that gay folks deserve certain civil rights-- rights that the breeders don't want to bestow upon me. Ha, ha, ha. Upon we. Those breeders, all they wanna do is stop us from having the sex that they wish they were having. If... if-- if the kind of sex we're having is what offends them most, they should let us get married, 'cause anybody who's been married knows that the sex is downhill from there. Now, we have long-- thank you. We have long been wronged, and it's time for legislation that allows our private parts to be aroused by the people God intended to arouse them. And-- and it's time for that arousal to happen within marriage! So get out your wallets, or your-- your man purses, or whatever, and give now, 'cause I hope never to be up again this early, unless it's rolling over with a couple of you in bed. Thank you. I love you.
Shit, you're good! How did you get so good?
My whole life, I've been trying to convince people to do what they really don't want to do. The-- the envelope, kind sir? Thank you, thank you. Now, we gotta talk about upgrading my room.
Uh, you can tip the front desk with some of my recently departed hard-earned cash. The front desk at the Merchant Motor Inn is behind bulletproof glass.
It's plexiglass. You have a queen bed and premium channels.
You saw what I did here. I'm your new rainmaker. I can get these rump-swappers to cough up cash night and day.
"Rump-swappers"? There's a slur I've never heard before. Okay, we'll see how the high school speech goes, but until then, you're still on the clock, so go shake some hands, ya little rump-swapper. [Slaps Frank's butt]
You saucy tart, you.
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