A character in Red vs Blue
Yeah, this is bullshit.
Ask for something else.
Uh, we want something else!
What? I'm releasing a hostage! You don't negotiate up from there!
Got any money?
Fuck you, dude! [turns to his sister] Get going. Call me if you have any problems. And don't go near any reds from now on. I'll try to keep our team distracted so they won't attack you. Whatever you do, don't embarrass the family. Think of mom.
Don't do me any favors, bitch.
What else was on the ship?
What do you mean?
Y'know like guns or weapons...
Or snacks! [To Church] Dude I'm just asking 'cause I know you want it too.
Nope, just the girl! Sorry, there weren't any more aliens for you guys to fuck!
That's okay, we can still fuck this one!
Woo-hoo!
God damn it! Never mind, just send her back!
No take backs!
Oh, what the fuck?!
[runs up] Oh my God, Grif, he's gone!
Who's gone?
Sarge, he's missing! I dug up his grave and he's not in there!
What? Did you dig in the right spot?
Oh, you're right. Maybe I dug up one of the other fresh graves that we just made. I didn't fucking think of that!
Oh, calm down.
Don't tell me to be calm, we're down two men now! Well, at least we still have the blue prisoner we can use as leverage. Hey, what are you doing out here in the middle of the canyon?
Uh, nothing. So, that Sarge thing's pretty crazy.
Hey, is that your sister over there with the blues? [as Grif slowly leaves] What's she doing over there? Why are they all high fiving? Are they making a cheerleading pyramid? Wow, they're really tossing her high in the air. Grif? Grif? Hey where'd he go?
Yeah, okay. You're a Blue.
Touchdown! Woo-hoo! Go Blue!
No, I mean we're Red, but you're Blue. That means you gotta get out of here before Simmons digs up Sarge.
I love digging. I wanna help!
No, you're leaving.
Where am I going?
The other base.
The Red base?
No, the Blue base.
We have two bases? Awesome!
Move!
Slow down!
There's no time! Sarge is gone! I was digging a hole, and I kept digging, but there was no Sarge! And finally I dug deep enough, and I found another hole!
You dug a hole and found a hole. Isn't that what a hole is?
No, no, I mean a hole at the bottom! It opened into some kind of big cavern.
[stops] A cavern? A cavern like a cave? Like a cave with bats?
[stops] I don't know, why? Are you afraid of bats or something?
Afraid of bats? No! Why would I be afraid of bats? And why would you even ask that question? Were there bats or something? That's kind of a weird thing to ask just for no reason.
I didn't see any bats, okay?
Did you hear any bats?
No!
Did you smell any bats?
I don't know what bats smell like!
And let's hope you never find out. Is it getting dark? We should get inside.
It hasn't gotten dark here in three fucking years, asshole.
Yup, that's the hole all right.
That's what I told you!
Huh. And Sarge's body is gone.
Right. I think he fell through that hole into the cavern.
Maybe he just disappeared. Dead things do that when you bury them. That's part of the circle of life, you know. It's a miracle when you think about it. No reason to go randomly exploring caves which may or may not contain hundreds of evil bats. That would just be interfering with God's divine plan!
Okay, A: Sarge wasn't dead. B: Decomposing takes months, not minutes. C: His armor would still be here, and D: Shut up, you're going down there. NOW.
Why? What do we really need Sarge for anyway? All he ever did was yell at us a bunch and tell us we suck. We'll just split up his duties. You yell at me and I'll tell you you suck.
Shut up and get in the hole, Grif!
You suck, Simmons. Oh man, this new system is already working out great! We should have thought of this years ago!
Grif, don't you understand that because we lost Sister, we're horribly outnumbered? We already lost Donut and Sarge. Now it's four on two! The blues are probably gearing up for an enormous attack right now! At any moment they're going to come over that hill, guns blazing, yelling "CHAAAARGE!"
RETREAT!
Ahh!
Sprinting! Sprinting! Oh, crap!
Who is that?
That's Tex.
Whoa! He's a badass!
[catches a bullet in the helmet] Ow.
He's kinda hot.
Tex isn't a guy; she's a girl.
Ohh, sorry, she is a badass. She's kinda hot.
[as they take cover behind the base] She's actually Church's ex-girlfriend.
Oh, yeah? Why aren't you guys dating anymore? [Tex throws another grenade at them which explodes nearby]
Are you seriously asking that question right now?
The last time I was shot I got a purple heart. Yeah, I hope this time I get a purple lung. You see, eventually I hope to build an entire purple person. And we will be best friends.
Maybe you should ask for a purple brain.
You're just jealous 'cause you have no friends.
Why is she shooting at us?
How do I know? And why are you acting like this is unusual?
Well, go out there and tell her to stop!
Yeah... I'll get right on that.
Aren't you like, the leader, or something?
Uh, yeah, Sister, I am the leader, which is why I am officially appointing you our field negotiator.
Awesome!
Yes, congratulations, we're all very proud of you. Your first job is to get Tex to stop firing at us.
Cool. [stands up] Hey Tex! Stop shooting, you stupid bitch!
Nice negotiating. [Tex stops shooting]
She stopped firing. I think that actually worked. Maybe she's out of ammo. Let me check.
[stands up, and promptly gets shot in the head by a sniper round] Nope, she still has ammo.
Nice recon work.
I'm gonna go get my body back.
Yeah, good idea.
Aaaaaaaah! [Grif falls, flailing and screaming, into a large cave. Simmons gracefully lands behind him]
Ta da!
[stands up] Ugh. You didn't have to push.
Yeah, I didn't have to, but it sure was fun. I got a cool screenshot from my visor of you flailing, too. Guess who has a new desktop wallpaper! This guy.
Donut, why didn't you report this?
I couldn't! My radio broke when I fell! [radio turns on]
[on the radio] Hello, Sarge? Are you there?
Hello, is that you, Simmons?
No, I'm Do-nut. Did you get amnesia from your fall or something?
Shut up, Donut!
Uh, okay.
[on the radio] Sarge, we're down in the cave with you. Are you okay? Please tell me you're okay!
Fine, what's your location.
I'm standing right here, next to you.
Shut up!
[On the radio] We're looking for you right now. This place is huge! Grif is with me and we're up on top of some sort of peninsular outcropping.
Uh, you're on top of Grif's what?
Grif isn't anywhere around here.
Donut, I told you to be quiet!
Well stop asking me stuff, then!
[On the radio] No, we're on a peninsular ledge trying to find you.
Roger that, I've got Donut. Sit tight and we'll find you.
[cut to Grif and Simmons] Roger that, Simmons out.
Dude, what was all that stuff about your penis ruler?
I heard something that time!
You didn't hear anything! [dripping sound]
There! Did you hear that?
Yes, I heard water dripping.
Sounds like bats!
Bats aren't made of liquid. Bats don't drip!
Bat Water!
There are no bats!
You don't know, what if you're wrong?
Okay, idiot, let's assume I'm wrong. Let's assume there are bats. So what? You're wearing state of the art, biomechanical body armor. It's designed to deflect bullets and absorb explosions. What can a five ounce flying rodent possibly do? [Pause]
So basically you're saying that you think there's bats!
Sure. Why not?
I'm getting the heck out of here!
No you're not, Grif, we're standing right here. I told Sarge we wouldn't move, and we're not moving.
At least let's go stand by the light!
No, that would be moving, and thus would violate our strict no moving policy.
But the light would -
No.
- help us see the bats -
No.
- and their fangs!
No!
Hey, you know what else might be in the cave, Simmons? Snakes.
You're an idiot, Grif. Why would you bring up snakes?
Well, I'm just saying I know you don't like snakes, and snakes do live in caves, and we are in a cave, and snakes like to crawl right up next to people in caves, and then they -
All right, screw it. I'm gonna go stand by the light.
If we're in a cave, why are there lights down here?
[voice slows down] That's a pretty good point, Grif.
What the... [Grif sees a large glowing pink dart is imbedded in Simmons neck] Are you okay?
Yeah, why do you ask?
Huh. You got a pink thing on you.
[voice slows more] Huh? Like a snake? Get it off. [collapses]
Simmons? Simmons? [turns] Huh? [another dart flys into his neck] Ow. [Nine more darts shoot into him] Ow! [a dart flys into his crotch] [voice slows]Oh hey, look, bat people. Please don't eat me, bat people... [collapses]
Come on. Grif should be right over here.
Don't listen to him, Sarge! He's just trying to score more drugs to keep his habit alive! Remember last month, when he asked for money? It was for drugs!
That was part of the budgetary meeting, Donut! He needed more funds for vehicle maintenance.
Enabler!
I see something.
Ah, there's my shotgun! Mission accomplished! Excellent work, men. Let's hang up a banner.
There's Grif.
Oh right, and Grif... Excellent- somethin'-or-other... He[Grif moaning]-w-why do I even bother?
[Weak] What happened? What did you do to me?
We got knocked-the fuck-out out! And the people who did it must've taken you.
Oh, right. They kept asking me questions... They wanted information...
Information? What did the-
Woah, woah, they wanted information and they took you!? Why wouldn't they take me?
What did they look like?
Sarge, please. I was right there next to you. If they needed information, why would they take you instead of me?
What, are you jealous? Jesus..
No. I think if you're gonna drug and torture people, you don't need to insult their intelligence too. That's just mean.
Yeah, you're jealous.
Besides, takin' all the fun out of interrogating.
Wait a second- I can prove I'm not crazy, 'cause of the bomb. The bomb!
Yeah, that's a good way to prove you aren't insane. Just start screaming "the bomb, the bomb."
Sounds like we've stumbled across something totally diabolical! Good work uncovering the plot, Simmons.
Thank you, sir.
Simmons!? I just told you everything!
But Simmons was the one that led us to you after he stealthily avoided capture.
Avoided capture!? They knocked him out first and picked me at random!
Yes. A randomness that Simmons used to save the day!
He had nothing to do with that!
But it was Simmons that found the underground cave.
By trying to bury you alive!
A tactic that was clearly multi-layered. Once again Simmons' treasonous insurrection proves to be the glue that holds this unit together.
Just wait 'til you hear about my upcoming assassination attempt.
Oh, don't spoil it!
Oh! Whats all this business?
It looks like a bunch of computer equipments, Sir.
Excellent analysis, Simmons
And it's attached to some kind of TV thing.
So it is... Astute deduction, Donut.
It shows all different parts of the canyon. Look, there's our base!
Ah... yes. Another incredible observation from the 'Stating the Obvious Department'. Thanks for nothing, numbnuts.
Simmons, Donut, you two stay here. Grif's going to continue to help look for Andy.
Fine. (sigh) I hate my job.
Look, there's my room! And the locker room! And there's the showers! Man, so many good memories.
I hope this thing isn't connected to the Internet.
Ah... The Blues must have set this up! Crafty devils! Spying on us all along. What's all that?
Looks like the blue base!
Why would the Blues spy on themselves?
Maybe the Blues didn't set this up. Someone else might have.
Or maybe the Blues are so incredibly arrogant, they just want to see themselves on TV. Or I bet they have those stupid liberal legal time laws. Blue commie bastards.
What if all this technology is just left over from an ancient civilization that was way more advanced than us?
Wait a minute. How could an ANCIENT civilization be MORE advanced? If they were so advanced, where did they go?
They could have mysteriosly disappeared! Only leaving behind a legacy of enigmatic technology...
(turning to Simmons) That's gay!
Let's finish this fight later.
Look! What's that?
(surprised) That looks like Sister's armour!
Oh no! What happened to her?
Clearly she's been disintegrated!
Why would they do that?
We can't tell Grif! He`s going to be devastated!
(bored) Tell me what?
Tell you that your Sister's been vaporised by the Blues.
(shocked) What!?
Sarge!!
(laughing) It`s like ripping off a bandage, Quick and incredibly painful.
We just talked about this! I thought we agreed not to tell him!
(mournfully) What?
You really need to start thinking about other people's feelings, Sarge!
Son, the only thing I need to do is stay red and die!
I'm really sorry, Grif. She's dead.
(sad) How could this have happened? Oh man... That was my little sister. I mean, I know we don't always see eye to eye, but I still loved her!
This has to be hard, Grif! I... don't know what to say.
I just.... I had no idea the last time I saw her was gonna be the last time ever! I'd give anything to see her again and just talk to her one last time. But I'm never gonna get that chance. It's the most empty feeling in the whole world.
Oh, hey, look!! She's not dead! She's just naked!
(angry) What? That little slut! I'm gonna kill her!
Take a screenshot, take a screenshot!
[yelling] PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON! What's the one thing I told you?! Don't embarrass the family!
I don't think she's embarrassing it - Whoa! Why is she doing splits?
Huh, is this that Facebook thing I keep hearing about?
Does this thing take dollar bills?
Come on! That's my sister! And you're looking at her naked!
So? She's not our sister.
Stop looking at her!
Why does Donut get to look?
Hey! Why does the Blue base get so much more natural light than ours? It gives the interior a much more airy and open feeling.
That's why Donut gets to look.
[frustrated] Oh, look, she is putting her armor back on!... Oh, I mean [changes tone] Oh, look! she is putting her armor back on. Good work, soldier!
Don't patronize me.
It looks like the Blues are having some kind of meeting.
What? I knew it. They're coming to attack our base. Dirty back stabbers!
I thought the Blues were supposed to attack our base.
Dirty front stabbers!
Simmons! What are they saying?
I have no idea. I can't find the volume on this monitor. Without any sound, it just looks like a bunch of helmets bobbing up and down.
Is that how they talk? They look ridiculous.
Shut up, Grif!
Did that order come from Command?
In fact, it did! And they also ordered my foot to report up your ass on the double!
[watching the exchange at the underground computer; sighs] I can't believe I donated organs for this fucking war.
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Red vs Blue · 504 quotes