Simmons quotes from Red vs Blue

I still have no idea what you're talking about. I didn't hear any shots.

I'm telling you, it was 4 shots; like bam, bam, bam!

Wait a second, that's only 3 bams.

(annoyed) Bam.

Wait a second, we got a Blue guy on the move out there!

Where's he headed?

[jokingly] You mean the Puma?

Yeah, keep making jokes. That'll win the war.

Sorry Lopez, we need the jeep.

I'll take gunner. [gets in gunner position.]

Let's roll!

How do you turn off the fucking radio in this car?

Don't worry Lopez, we'll bring her back in one piece!

Look, I know you don't know me, but you have to believe what I'm about to tell you. Sometime in your future, I get stationed here in Blood Gulch and we meet. And this guy here, (motioning towards Donut) he gets promoted to Sergeant of the red army and we spy on them. And they get this new jeep and I'm all like, "There is no way you can pick up chicks in a tank!"

Tucker, what the fuck are you babbling about?

I know all this sounds crazy, but he eventually becomes a Sergeant, and then one day we get a tank, and he comes and steals our flag while we're distracted!

Is this guy a retard?

Red, shut up. Tucker, listen to me, you haven't gone back in time, okay? This is the guy that stole our flag, he's just not the Sergeant. Turns out, he's just some dumb rookie who happens to have the same color armor as him. He got in somehow; just— FOR GOD'S SAKE, WHAT IS THAT MUSIC!?

Whooo-hoooo!

Son of a bitch!

Holy shit!

Run! Jesus, run!

The jeep followed me back in time!

What the hell is going on here?

You know what? I honestly have no idea what's going on! I think everyone in this canyon is absolutely insane!

How did you get their flag?

I don't know, I just asked for it.

Wait, that worked!?

I guess. Is it not supposed to?

I don't know. We ...never even thought to try that. Just take the flag to the base, I'll explain there.

Not until someone tells me what the fuck is go—

There's no time to explain, Rookie! Just take the flag and go to base! I'll explain everything there!

Fine! [starts running towards blue base]

Ugh, back to our base, dumbass!

Uh, I know. I just got turned around that's all.

Simmons! SIMMONS!! (Simmons stops shooting) Man! That thing is loud!

WHAT?

Come on, let's sneak around the back of the rock and get 'em out.

OKAY!

Keep it down! Jesus! Let's go, before they figure out what's going on.

Aw crap! I don't think we're gonna be able to get around this way.

Tell me again... uh, why did we get out of the jeep?

Well, I guess it was this, or sit there and watch you shoot rocks all day long.

Well at least that was fun.

Ho-ly crap. What in God's name is that thing?

What happened?

(panting) Big... tank... shooting... Whoo!

Damn, man, we only ran like 300 feet. You are really out of shape!

(panting) Fuck... you!

Where's your car?

General Patton here had a great strategy to leave it behind.

Hey, it would've worked if that tank hadn't shown up.

You lost the jeep? Oh man, Lopez is gonna be pissed. Where is it?

What the hell?

SON OF A BITCH!

Oh crap! What the hell is that thing?!

That's the tank!

Hey, uh...Grif, uh, you wanna hold the flag for a little bit?

No! Keep that away from me!

I hate to be the one to point this out guys, but i think we're screwed.

Yeah, I have to agree with the rookie on this one.

Sarge

[Radio sounds] Blood Gulch outpost #1, come in Blood Gulch outpost, come in. Do you read me? This is Sergeant-

Oh my god, Sarge, is that you?

Sarge

Roger that, private. I am currently inbound to your position from command.

Sir, this is Simmons.

Sarge

Hello, Simmons. I hope everything's gone alright while I've been gone.

Actually sir, things are kind of hectic right now. The new rookie arrived and somehow he managed to infiltrate the blue base. And now we have their flag, the warthog is damaged, one of their guys is dead, and there's this huge fucking tank about to destroy our base.

Sarge

Am I talking to the right base?

Sarge, we are going to die here!!

Sarge

Well then hold tight boys, I think I gotta solution to your little tank problem.

Did you hear that?

Yeah.

[whispers] Hey, what's going on?

What the fuck?

What?

What is that thing?

What thing?

There's something on your head.

What, is it a spider? Get it off!

No, it's not a spider. It's like a blue thing...

What, like a blue spider? Get it off!!

It's not a spider! Now calm down! It's some kind of fuzzy, pulsating thing...

That doesn't sound much better than a spider!

Does it hurt?

No.

Maybe we should try to take it off.

Good idea. Go for it.

Me? By "we", I mean you, asshole.

Well, someone needs to get it off. It might be dangerous.

SON OF A BITCH!

[Watching Tex through a sniper rifle] Man, he's really kicking their asses.

How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle?

I'm really glad Tex is on our team and not theirs.

Sure makes things a lot easier on us.

Yeah... I think switching Tex for Church was a good trade.

It definitely seems like your killing Church is working out for us.

You think so, I was gonna say something but uh, but you know.

Did Tex get into the base?

Yeah.

Blue team flag returned.

What the?! Who said that?

[clears voice] Sorry that was me. I uh, I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back by the way.

Hey, its Church!

Yeah, its me, hey Caboose.

Hey Church, what are you up to?

Caboose, hehe, I'm not really hear to make small talk, ok, how did you guys manage to get your flag back?

W-What, oh, that flag? We've always had that.

Tucker, who do think your trying to fool...hey wait a second, where's Tex?

Um, I'm not really sure he said was going to the store, uh something about elbow grease.

Oh great, this is so typical! What was the one thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?

That sidewinder is cold!

argh, what was the other one thing I told you.

Not to let him get involved?

Right, and what did you do?

We let him get involved.

And not just a little involved, how involved?

Very, very involved.

Sarge

Freeze.

Sarge

Drop your weapons.

Hey buddy.

Sarge

What?

You really better hope the first one knocks me out.

Ow, what the? Frickin head, Jesus.

He's hurt Grif, but he'll make, but we'll need to get him some help, fast.

Yeah, yeah, hold on a second, what happened here? First Donuts head exploded and then you fainted, and then some black thing showed up-

[Simmons interrupts Grif] Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, I did not faint, something knocked me out.

Ok fine, just keep lying to yourself, whatever helps you sleep at night.

Man, just go find Sarge, we need to get Donut out of here.

[Sarcastically] Yeah sure, oh and uh, I'm fine by the way, thanks for asking.

Whatever no one likes you anyway.

Yep, he's definitely captured....We're dead......Captured or dead [sigh]....Or captured and dead!

Well, that's just perfect!

What?! What is your problem?! Why do you even care if he's captured, I thought you hated that guy for stealing your girlfriend?

I never said I hated Tex. I just said she was the reason we never got married.

She?

Sarge, we need to get Donut airlifted outta here.

Sarge

Can you put that in a memo and title it, "SHIT I ALREADY KNOW", get on the horn command! Well, look who's up, rise and shine buttercup!

[Voice filter broken] Oh great, you broke my voice filter, you cockbitting-fucktards!

Ah ha! I knew it, only a chick could give me a headache this big!

So, you're a girl, huh?

Just ignore him, that's what I do.

Not so tough now that we unloaded your weapon, are ya?

Hey punk, I don't need a weapon to kill you.

Yeah right. What are you gonna do, punch me?

Ahhhh! Not in the face!

There's no L in it, it's pronounced 'both.'

That's what I'm saying, bolth.

Both.

You sound like an ass the way you say it.

Sarge

Grif, quicher yammerin' and get your keester up here. Need some help, got some more of dem spec ops fellas headed toward the base.

As in, more than one? Uh, maybe we should bolth go, sir.

BOTH!

Seriously dude, like an ass.

Sarge

Well, well. Another brilliant idea from the think tank! Why don't you both come up, leave the prisoner alone? We could just put her on the honour system, have her guard herself.

Good point, sir.

Sarge

YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT IT IS! Now get your ass up here. We've got just enough time for me to spray paint the bullseye on your back. Ah, by bullseye I of course mean camoflage. Now move it cupcake.

Hey man, what's up, yo?

Um, hey. What's going on out there, sir?

What, uh, why, nothing. Why would you ask if something's wrong?

I think that's a perfectly normal question in a time of war.

Yeah well, I don't know. You're startin' to act kinda suspicious there... other red guy, so I'm keeping my eye on you.

Sarge, I'm starting to think tha- [Church huts Simmons in the back of the head ] OWWW! Jeez, the back of my head.

What the hell are you doing?!

Tex, it's me, Church. I'm here to rescue you.

You're a little short to be Church.

What? Oh yeah, right the armor. [Church leaves Sarge's body]

Sarge

What in Sam hell? Where the... who spat on my visor?

Tex, there's not much time to explain, so I'm just gonna give you the summary here, okay? I'm a spirit now and I'm trapped in the physical world. I possessed this red guy so that I can sneak into the base and rescue you while the rest of our guys run around in the middle of the canyon, covered in black stuff that they got from going through the teleporter.

Okay.

What? That's it? Okay? You're not surprised by any of this?

Nope, it pretty much all makes sense.

Not even the whole 'Church is a ghost' thing? That didn't do anything for ya?

I can see through you, it's pretty obvious.

Okay, well let me pop back into this guy and we'll get out of here.

Dude, this is sweet! Command was so happy that I got the Blue flag, they gave me my own color armor!

...Uh, hey Donut?

What?

Uh, about your armor...

What about it?

How do I put this? Your armor is, um... It's a little, um... Grif, you wanna help me out here?

It's pink! Your armor is freakin' pink!

How'd he get pink armor,anyway?

Don't ask, don't tell...

Look at it, it's not pink. It's like, uhhh, a lightish-red.

Guess what? They already have a color for lightish-red. You know what it's called? Pink!

I hate you guys...

Sarge

Command was fresh out of speech modules when I started building Lopez, but once I get this baby installed, I'll finally have someone intelligent to talk to! No offense, Simmons.

Oh, don't worry, I know who you meant, sir.

Wait a second, Lopez is a robot?

Of course he is! You didn't notice that he never talks?

I just thought he was a real quiet guy.

Sarge

And the fact that he sleeps standing up and drinks motor oil didn't get your attention?

W-well, I did think the motor oil was a bit odd. I just thought he was trying to impress me.

You ever wonder why we're here?

[Pause] No. I never, ever wonder why we're here. Semper Fi, bitch.