A character in Red vs Blue
Simmons
Red vs Blue · 504 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Red vs Blue: in 159 of its 504 quotes
Most scenes with: Grif (116), Sarge (71), Donut (44)
Ay, muchachos, necesite darle... un aviso... ¿Qué? ¿Por qué estoy hablando español? ¡Yo no puedo hablar español! [Translated: Guys, I need to give... you a... warning. What? Why am I speaking Spanish? I don't know Spanish!]
Um... sure.
¡No, no, escúchame! ¡La bruja te va a matar! ¡Ella está trabajando en la tanque! [Translated: No, listen to me! The bitch is going to kill you! She is working in the tank!]
¡Un tanque... grrrande!
Hey, I think that if you are going to live in this country, you should speak the language.
What country? We're on an alien planet.
What are you, a communist?
Wow. Back so soon? You guys win the war already?
Yeah, uh, do you want to finish telling me the plan now, Sarge?
If we survive this, I'm gonna kill both of ya. Slowly.
Hell yeah! Three points, ya dirty whore! [Tex explodes]
Dios Mio NO! [Church runs off to go save Tex]
Uh, where's Lopez going?
To fight the enemy head on. In hand to hand combat, mano a mano. What a brave little conpadray. Lopez, I never understood a word you said, but I do know one thing. You hated Grif, and that's the most important thing there is. Adios amigo, adios.
Shouldn't we help him?
Nah, that would just ruin the moment.
(shaking from constant weapon recoil) Simmons, I can't feel my hands!
Then maybe you should lay off the trigger dumbass.
[Sarge berates Grif for chatting with Doc]
Come on, Sarge, he doesn't even have a gun.
Oh, well, you two will be great friends, then. He doesn't have a gun, and you didn't bring any ammo!
Hey, thanks, kiss-ass! If I wanna take guarding tips from the guy that lost our last prisoner, I'll be sure to ask you!
Donut [to Simmons]: Oh, man, that is a burn! Dude, you just got burned! Burned, dude, burned!
Oh shut up. Your armour's pink.
[Sarge is pinned to the base wall by the jeep as the jeep's machine gun begins firing closer and closer to his head.]
What a way to go. Killed by my own mechanical creations. I'm sure there's a philosophical lesson to be learned from all this.
Something about the dangers of technology and the unwavering pride of mankind?
No, something about hiring better help that doesn't just stand around watching you die!
[Caboose sees Reds approaching behind Tucker and Church]
Uh… Church? I think that you should know that the Reds are—
Church [interrupting]: Dammit, Caboose! In the short time I've known you, you've managed to call my girlfriend a slut, blow me up with a tank, shoot me in the head, and now paralyze me from the waist down! So I hope it's not too much for me to ask, just for once, if you'd shut your fuckin' mouth!
Hey Blues, we're here to — what the hell are you guys doing?
Hey Sarge, hold on a sec. Did you see something weird, Sarge?
Yes I did. Once when I was a small child, I saw a man who claimed to be my uncle do this thing with a garden hose that still haunts me to this—
Whoa, whoa. I mean did you see something weird just now? Like 5 seconds ago.
Oh, ... then no.
What was all that stuff about your uncle?
I keep telling everyone he wasn't my uncle! He wasn't!
You wanna talk about it?
[looking through the sniper scope while standing on the upturned Warthog] Aw, crap. Hey, they got a guy fixing their tank.
Impossible! Our intelligence clearly states that-
[interrupting] We have intelligence?!
That the only soldiers in this canyon with mechanical training are that dead freelancer and Lopez- oh, wait a minute!
Sarge, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Lopez runs away, the jeep starts driving itself and suddenly there's a new guy on the blue team?
Yes, Simmons I am. Why, obviously the blue team has constructed some kinda diabolical mind-control ray beam that they used on Lopez and now he has to do their evil blue bidding.
[jumping down from the jeep] Or, since he's a robot, maybe they just reprogrammed him.
Or maybe that blue guy who got killed by the tank has come back as a ghost and now he's possessing Lopez's body. That could also explain why Sarge went nuts when we had the prisoner, the blue ghost probably possessed him too. And the jeep going nuts was probably a weird set of coincidences while the guy learned how to use Lopez's body.
[Pause]
I think I like the ray beam idea better.
Yeah, rookie. Your idea sounds a little dumb.
[commenting on Lopez's singing] Whats on the radio now? It sounds like the feral cry of a retarded mexican sasquach!
TURN IT OFF!! TURN IT OFF!! PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STOP!!!
Aw man, this rules! RULES!
[Grif learns most of his body parts have been replaced by leftovers]
[to Sarge] Where did you get the leftovers?
Why, from our other subject, of course!
Subject my cyborg ass.
NO WAY.
Yeah, I'm real happy about this myself, numb-nuts.
Yeap, those too
Did I get your lips? Because then maybe I'll figure out how to kiss Sarge's ass.
Donut, there's no way you can jump that high.
Yes I can. (jumps) (while jumping a second time) Yes I can.
What the hell is he doing?
Losing a bet.
Grif whats wrong? Are my lungs ok? Wait a second, are you smoking inside of your helment again?
What? No. (Exhales smoke)Oops.
I knew this would happen. And how many snack cakes have you had today?
None.
: ...
Okay five. ...or more. Baker's dozen at most.
Do you even know how many there are in a baker's dozen?
By my count? Forty eight.
Look, instead of just running straight in to enemy gunfire like we usually do, why don't we try some reconnaissance this time?
You mean like spy stuff? That would be cool! I could wear, a spy tuxedo...
No.
With a hidden spy camera...
No.
Inside a tiny spy bowtie...
No.
Or, I could wear a flower on my lapel...
Said no.
That sprays water in people's faces, oh man...
Shut up Donut.
No- secret spy liquid, hahaha. That would be awesome!
No!
Maybe! ...Uh, I mean... noooooo.
Oh come on, I could be double-O Donut!
You mean like Doonut?
The license to thrill! Or be thrilled!
Alright, since you're both so in to the idea, Grif, Donut, you're on recon. Find us a way to break in to their base, and report back on the double.
Great, more time alone with the idiot.
Grif, Grif Grif Grif Grif Grif Grif. Let's pretend, we're wearing super-spy jetpacks!
(sighing) Huhhhhhhg...
No, no no no, like this- (jetpack whooshing noise) Phschewschhhhhhhhhhhwewwwww...
Hey, can you not stop that for two seconds?
Come on agent- (clears throat, resumes in a deeper voice) Come on, Agent Grif. We've got to hurry if we want to save the Princess from the evil goblin.
What Princess? I thought you were pretending to be in a spy movie?
Look, my secret spy character gets to marry a beautiful Princess in a castle, alright? Deal with it!
Donut, can you just go find some higher ground or something?
But we're on higher ground now.
Why don't you use your jetpack to go to the highest ground?
Good idea! I bet the blues won't think of that!
No, if they were that stupid, we probably would have won by now.
Secret Agent Donut, to the rescue! Phschewshhhhhhhhhhh... (heads off)
I could just shoot him. No one would ever have to know. No one.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Red vs Blue pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
