Leonard Church quotes from Red vs Blue

(retches)

That better have been in your bucket!

I'll get the mop.

Andy, what in the Hell happened to Tucker on this little adventure you guys took?

How should I know?

He ate all my food, then just threw it up...could have just thrown it on the floor, and cut out the middle-man...

Yeah, plus, now, he's moody as Hell. I went to ask him if he's feeling better and he practically bit my God-damn head off!

I bet he just would have thrown up your head, later...and then you could just put it right back on, and it'd be fine.

He was fine on the trip. Maybe he's allergic to you. I know I get nauseous when I look at ya.

Hm... it's quiet. Too quiet.

Now suddenly it's too loud. I preferred it when it was quiet.

Alright Hold it right there!

[Subtitled] I see someone now. I think he has a gun.

Yes, I see that. Thank you for keeping us informed... Moron.

That was a warning shot, O'Malley. If you make any funny moves, the next one is going right in the middle of your visor.

You think you can make that shot from here?

Uhh, probably not since I was actually trying to hit him that time. I swear to God, I think someone fuck's with the sights on this thing when I'm not looking.

We want something from you, but we're not going to tell you what it is until we need it, HAHAHAHAHA!

No way, I'm not agreeing to something without knowing what it is.

(Chuckling fiendishly) Oh yes you will. You will or else your little friend Tucker will die. Die a most horrible death. And you know his blood will be on your hands. Years from now you'll drive yourself mad wondering if there was anything you could have done to save him. So you will let me do what I want. You will agree even if what I want is something mysterious. What I want is something frightening! What I want is something PURE EVIL!(Laughs madly) I've also been told that a $20 co-pay is pretty much standard.

All right. Fine.

Ah, you fool. And we want the $20 up-front!

Fine!

And in cash.

Whatever!

Ah, you moron! If you'd used a credit card you could have gotten airline miles, or at least a 30-day grace period with no interest. You fiscally irresponsible fools.

Caboose, give me 20 dollars. Wait, give me 30 dollars.

Andy, this is Doc, Doc, this is Andy. Uh, Andy, Doc is here to help Tucker, and he's also our worst enemy, you know, besides the Reds, and Tex on certain days.

Well, thank you for introducing me to your bowling ball. Hello bowling ball.

Actually, I'm a bomb.

It can talk?

Why is it the first thing everybody says to me?!

A talking bomb you say? Hmm, I could use a fellow like you in my organisation, heh heh.

Yeah, I should probably point out that Andy here was specifically designed to blow up and kill you.

I see... well, this is certainly awkward.

KABOOM!

[recoiling] Satan's bunions!

Ha ha ha! I was just kidding, I didn't really explode! heh heh!

Ha ha ha ha. Good one.

Yes highly amusive.

Okay, everybody, I'm gonna give Tucker his physical now. Would either of you like to assist?

That's just a fancy way of saying "hold the vomit bucket". Muaheheheh!

Uhh... Sorry, I'm busy.

Caboose?

I can't.

Well, why not?

Oh. Because... I am allergic to things I don't want to do... [Fakes coughing] ...Coughing.

Ok, just more fun for me.

Hey, guys? I've figured out what's wrong.

What is it, Doc?

You're not gonna like the diagnosis.

Hmhmhmhm which is ironic, because I think it's absolutely delightful, muhahahaha.

Just tell us, Doc. We can take it.

Your friend is -

Dying? Oh, no!

No, he's not dying, he just has -

No chance to live. I knew it!

Caboose, one more interruption outta you, and he's gonna have two patients.

How do I say this, your friend is...

Why are you pausing? Caboose is not gonna interrupt you this time.

No, that was just for dramatic effect. He's pregnant.

Oh, good... Wait, what?

Hmhmhmhmhm, preggers, muahaha.

All right, are we paying for this service, because, if we are, I want a refund. And if we're not, I want a refund

No it's true. We found two heartbeats. So unless he has two hearts the only logical explanation is that he's pregnant. I think.

(to Andy and Caboose) Alright, one of the two of you has some explaining to do.

(chuckles) Don't look at me! Tucker's not my type!

Cha! Me neither. And, uh, maybe we should have the...doctor explain, uh, just how babies are made, y'know? Uh, in case someone...in the group, uh, may not exactly know how that happens...

Oh my God, Caboose shut up. Andy, blow up. Doc, you're fired, get outta here. I'm gonna go shoot Tucker.

Uh, I think I need to stay here and guaaaaard... this rock. From Tucker. Because I'm pretty sure that's how this whole thing started.

Alright, what's wrong? You seem nervous.

What if Tucker is contagious? I do not want to catch pregnancy!

Hey! No one is pregnant! And seriously, Caboose, when I get done with this, we gotta have a little talk, man. There's a book I've got that we can read together.

(short pause) I'd like that.

Maybe you can have the bowling ball fill you in on some of the basics, let me get you started. There's three holes. (short, maniacal laugh)

Oh, gross

I meant in the bowling ball!

It's true, your friend Tucker is pregnant. See, my little gizmo lights up green to indicate pregnancy.

I thought it lights up green to indicate flesh wounds.

Yeah also that.

And infectious diseases.

Hyeah, it lights up green for just about everything. It takes a while to figure out the difference. Like this green, [points to Church's head] indicates a high level of anger stemming from suppressed feelings of inadequacy.

If that thing keeps talking bad about me, I'm gonna fucking smash it.

[points to Church's crotch] And this green means impotency. Oops, actually that green causes impotency. My bad, Church.

Oh, that's okay. I wasn't using it anyway.

Hey Blues! Uhp, I mean, blue, we're only gonna give you one chance to surrender.

Wha, why would I—[Sheila fires her cannon.] Hey, hold on a second, Sheila. Why would I Surrender?

Uh, because you're outnumbered.

Bullshit, dude, I got a tank! People with tanks are never outnumbered!

We also think that it's your turn to surrender.

WHAT!?

Well, if you recall, first you surrendered and you gave us Doc, then we surrendered and we gave you the jeep so that means—

Sheila, shut him up.

(quickly ducks behind rock) SON OF A BITCH!!!

Is that a no?!

Okay, guys, I don't mean to be rude, but I've got a missing girlfriend, a guy who's pregnant, an idiot who thinks his pet just died, AND our worst enemy is hanging out unsupervised at our base right now. So I really, really, REALLY don't have time for this horse-shit right now!

...Uh, what was that part about the pregnant guy?

HE'S NOT PREGNANT! That's impossible.

Yeah, unless the Alien impregnated him. That's what they do; they infect the host with a parasitic embryo. But you already knew that, right?

What? NO! Why didn't you tell us that could happen?!

Uhhh...I mean...uhhh—Alien baby?! Uh, that's shocking! I am just as shocked... as you are.

Come in, Church. Come in.

Caboose, what did I tell you man?! You're not supposed to use the radio while O'Malley's here! Oh great. Now I'm on the radio too.

Oh that—that's what I'm calling to tell you. Um, the Reds already used their radio and...O'Malley is gone.

(aggrivated) Oh my God.

Sarge

That's right, Blue! We've called in the cavalry! As we speak, the glorious Red Command is sending a ship to aid us! No doubt it's a battle cruiser of the highest magnitude! It's time to end this thing once and for all!

Congratulations, it's a...thing? Eugh.

Honk honk, HONK! HONNNNK!

What. Was that.

Oh, well that's the other thing I called about. Um...Tucker had his gross baby.

It's not mine!

(about to lose it) He is not PREGNANT!

What the fuck are you guys doing out here, breaking the canyon?

(scoffing) Fuck off, Blue! A ship just crashed on one of our guys.

What, this ship?

(irritated) No, another ship. Then that ship left, and this ship crashed in the exact same spot.

Where'd it come from?

(condescending) It's a spaceship. It came from space.

... ... ... (calmly) Dibs.

(surprised) What?

Dibs. I just called dibs. This is my ship now. Dibs.

(arguing) No, it isn't, jackass! We found it first!

(assured) Yeah, but you didn't call dibs. I did. Dibs. See?

(arguing) You can't call dibs on a spaceship! That's ridiculous!

(agreeing) Yeah!

(rebuttal) Yes, I can! Dibs! See? I just did it again! Now, get the fuck away from my ship, Tomato Can!

(angrily through his clenched teeth) Don't call me 'Tomato Can'!

(challenging) Try and take it, then!

Um... Ok... (Turns to Sheila.) ...Sheila?

(Aiming her turret at Grif and Simmons.) You bet!

(upset) Fuck!

(assured) You forgot about that too, didn't you?

(defeated) Yeah, kinda.

Now, step away from the ship, Tomato Can.

(taunting) Ha-ha, 'Tomato Can'!

You too, Lemon Head.

(pissed) Hey, I'm orange, not yellow!

[laughs]

What's that tapping? Sounds like Morris code!

[sighs] Morse...

Sheila, if he corrects me again, please make him blow up.

Heh heh heh... sounds like fun!

Well, what does it say?

It says "tap tap tap." We don't know!

We were trying to translate it when you showed up and interrupted us!

No, when I interrupted you, you were standing around and doing nothing. Just like the last 50 times I interrupted you guys... Oh, wait, wait, wait, listen... it says... [tap] "Red..." [tap] "sucks..." [tap tap] "balls!" Hey, hey! Look, my new ship can talk! And it knows things! That's a good ship!

Sarge

Bad news, men, I couldn't find that levitation ray. But I did find the remote control to - HEY!! What's going on out here?! What do you think you're doing, you lousy Blue?

I'm just trying to figure out what's up with this spaceship out here.

Sarge

Dibs!

Too late...

Sarge

DAG NABBIT! Why do I ever leave you two to guard ANYTHING? EVERYBODY knows about the international "dibs" protocol! And the no take backs accord!

Caboose, where's Doc?

(still lying on the ground) Doc left. Took the baby for a walk. It's growing up so fast. Seems like just yesterday he was born.

Well actually, that's because he was born today. Like, an hour ago.

We need to cherish these times. I wish I knew how to scrapbook.

Where's Tucker?

Still in a coma.

Great. Tucker's out, Sheila's on the fritz, and now Doc is babysitting. Caboose, if we survive the next five minutes, I'll be fuckin' amazed.

I'm fine, by the way. Don't worry about me... [pause] I'm so cold...