Leonard Church quotes from Red vs Blue

Don't worry, Tucker. We're not sending you alone.

You're coming with me, Tex?

Me? Hell no. This is the first thing you wimps have done that actually sounds dangerous.

Well, I'm not going with Church. That guy's a worse fighter than I am.

Well, you're in luck, then. Cause I'm not going either.

Well, good luck guys. Don't forget to change your underwear at least once a day. Tucker, that goes double for you.

What? I'm the cleanest guy here!

No, it goes double for you because now you're in charge of changing Caboose as well.

I hate you.

Let me put it this way; I felt less threatened when Tex was staring at just the sword.

Whu-What? Oh, I was just admiring his... His alien... Muscle structure...

Yeah, one particular part of his muscle structure...

Well, that's just a matter of penis- I mean opinion! Opinion... that's... what i meant.

Smooth.

What if I have to kill stuff, dude? I'm a lover not a fighter.

Yeah Tucker, I'm the same way. That's why we get along so well, we're both just a couple of lovers.

That sounded kinda gay, dude.

Yeah, it did... umm... I feel obligated to say something encouraging as your boss.

Our captain died, you're just the guy pretending to be my boss.

Y-you know in our given situation technically you could be seen as one of my employees.

Except that I'm not.

(sigh, frustrated) Whatever, listen I just- as... as someone in an employee-manager relationship...

Which doesn't exist.

(sighs)

Why did you pull me aside again?

I'm sure it was to say something inspiring or... something, but now I just don't care.

You know, I have to say I'm a little surprised that you're not going with them.

Why? Quests are dangerous!

Yeah but they usually have some kind of big reward at the end you know like some, big treasure chest or an entire room filled with gold and art. It's not really like you to pass up on something like that Tex. ...Tex? ...You're gone, aren't you.

(sighs) I really shoulda seen that coming.

Okay Donut, wait until we're gone, and then you can wake 'em up.

Well, what do I tell them?

I don't care, tell 'em you busted in and rescued them. Get yourself a medal. You deserve it.

I always did wanna be a hero... And a liar.

Well then today's your lucky day.

Help me get these guys in the hole.

We have a hole? That's kick ass!

And last is the orange one, that's Grif. He's really lazy and really annoying.

Yeah...

But, at least he's smart. In fact, I think he might the smartest one of the bunch.

You mean smarter than all of the ones there now.

No, I mean all of them put together, man. There's this other guy who hangs around, in maroon armour... Well, I haven't seen him in a while, but he's a freakin' know-it-all, man. He acts like he's smart, but he's really not.

What?

Yeah, he walks around like he owns the place... Yeah, y'know, but nobody listens to him, and they always make fun of him behind his back.

Oh, just how he's not good at stuff, and how he's dumb, and how the stuff he likes is dumb, and also how he's not as attractive as other people are...

Hey, where're ya going?

Well, hurry up, man, I have to finish orientation before you have to make me dinner.

...You do know that's Simmons, right?

Oh yeah.

This isn't a parking lot, Church. This is a team! A family. Are we just supposed to forget everything we've been through?

Right. Including the time you killed me.

How about if I suddenly decided I wasn't the Blue Team's tank? What if, today, I'm feeling just a little bit Red?

And you work- and you work with Blue Command?

Oh, right dude. Good one, dude. Blue Command. [Winks] Wink!

Halt! Who goes there?

Donut, it's me. (dressed in blue)

Oh, right, you. What do you want?

I want to talk to Sarge, I just found out some info. Wait, why am I answering your questions?

I said hold it. (points gun at Simmons)

What's your problem, Donut?

Sarge told me to not to let anyone in the base. And I'm pretty sure "anyone" includes the enemy.

I'm not the enemy.

Oh please, you're dressed in blue. FYI there's kind of a theme around here. You're blue, I'm red.

More like pink.

I have a gun.

OK, OK, I only dressed like this to trick the Blues.

You helped the Blues.

And fooled them.

You knocked Sarge out, twice.

Once again Donut, to fool the Blues. And to work out some unresolved issues with father figures. But look, just go ask Sarge, he knows it's me. Hell, even Grif knows it's me.

Oh sure, Everyone knows who you are but me.

No, the Blues don't know either.

Hey Shelia, where'd that Simmons guy go that was spying on us?

I don't know. Why don't you go ask the new jeep.

Sarge

What's all this ruckus?

There's an enemy trying to get into the base.

Sarge

Where?

Right there.

Sarge

Where? Behind Simmons?

He means me sir.

Oh, Simmons, Why didn't you tell me it was you?

Donut, I did tell you it was me.

Well you didn't say it was you, you just kept saying "I'm me".

That's because I am me.

But you didn't say you were you. If you had said you were you instead of "I'm me", I would have known you were you. You just kept saying you were me.

That's because I'm me.

And thus ends another meeting of the pronoun club. Same time next week everybody.

Well now that we have that straightened out, I have some important information.

Sarge

I don't want to hear it, Blue.

What, this is valuable information about the war.

Sarge

There is no such thing as valuable information, from a traitor!

But sir, I only did that because no one would believe me about the tank.

Sarge, Simmons has issues with his father that he displaces on you.

No Donut, that's why I punched Sarge in the face. I left the base because I wasn't fulfilling my undying need to please other people.

Sarge

Alright, enough! The next person who tells me about Simmons' feelings is getting court-martialled

Simmons likes to go in the bathroom and cry while he punches the mirror... Well, I'll go pack my bags. Nice working with you guys. Good luck with the Blues. It's been real.

Oh, look who's back, the conquering heroes! What's up guys?

Meh.

Hey, where's Tex?

Gone.

Where's the alien?

Dead.

Well, how'd the quest go?

Failed.

Yeah, you know, I, I probably didn't even need to ask that last question, did I?

Well, is Tex okay?

She's fine. None of us are that lucky. She chased after Wyoming.

Tex?

Yeah.

Wyoming?

Yes.

Massachusetts!

Seriously, stop it.

No, we came home because the alien died, and because the, uh, glowing sword turned out to be a, uh, glowing key.

Yeah, glowing key that can still stab people.

Right.

So it is a sword, It just happens to function like a key in very specific situations.

Or it's a key all the time, and when you stick it in people, it unlocks their death.

God damn man, I would love to live in your world for about ten minutes.

Yeah. I have a really good time.

Ehehehyeah, it seems like it. You know I don't think I'd get anything done, but I probably wouldn't care that much.

Hey, you don't think it's the sword that's makin' him sick, do you?

I don't see how. It hasn't sneezed once.

We don't know anything about it though. Maybe it runs on radiation and it's poisoning him.

Or, maybe it runs on solar power!

Why would solar power make him sick?

Is he a Republican?