Leonard Church quotes from Red vs Blue

(Church and Tucker had just killed Sarge) Okay, hey. We killed one of your guys, and you killed one of ours. That makes us even.

Actually, we killed Tex and Junior, and they killed Sarge. So technically, that means we killed two people and they only killed one. (Church kills him with the sniper rifle) Son of a bitch!

Okay! Now we're even! Seriously! (Blues point guns at Grif and Donut; Grif lobs a grenade, everyone scatters, Donut gets in the ghost) Every man for himself!

Caboose! Get in that tank and give us cover fire.

Okay!

And don't shoot me this time!

Okay (immediately shoots Church)

Son of a bitch!

Wait, what was that first part again?(Grif begins to destroy Caboose's tank) Abandon ship! Running, running, running! (tank blows up)

Don't worry Sister, I'll protect you.

Sarge

Aha! Got you, blues!

Sarge, I thought you were dead!

Sarge

I was dead, Doc revived me!

That's right! And if anyone else needs medical attention, I would be more than happy to hel- (Sarge kills him) Son of a bitch!

Sarge

Oh, I'm sorry! Doc will be unable to assist anyone else. (Sister kills him) Ah, son of a bitch again. Medic!

Well Sister, this looks like it. I don't think we're gonna make it, the reds are on the attack, and now Doc is dead and can't help us.

(dying) Actually, I'm not dead! if you could just hand me my first-aid kit- (Tucker shoots him) Oh, son of a bitch!

And now that Doc is actually dead, I don't think we're gonna make it. I don't wanna die a virgin!

Ooh! Yeah!

Wouldn't you rather spend your last few moments as a lover and not as a fighter?

I never thought about that, Uh-huh.

I've always wanted to go out-

Hey, uh, no offense, are you gonna keep talking or are we gonna see some action!

Bow Chicka Bow- (Grif shoots him) Ow!

Stay away from my sister!

Son of a bitch!

Grif, I liked him! He was nice to me! (kills Grif)

Son of a bitch!

(Donut runs her over with his ghost) Son of a bitch! I can't believe you'd hit a girl!

Whatever, bitch! Reow! (Caboose is running away, picks up a rocket launcher) Now it's time to pound some Caboose! Woo-hoo! (drives toward him; Caboose blows him up with the rocket launcher) Son of a bitch!

I won! I am the greatest! I beat everyone! And now, no one is left but me! (ghost lands on him, kills him) Son of a bitch.

Yes! Church, it's me!

I have missed you so much! It has been so long! Did you miss me!?

Fuck! I missed him!

I knew you did!

Move out? Hey, at what point in this conversation did you think that we were buddies or somethin'? I'm not goin' with you.

Yes! You are not in our buddy club!

Shut up Caboose, and what did I tell you about that armor, when we had to pick new suits?

You told me to upgrade!

That's not an upgrade! This is Mark Six armor, that's Mark Five. This is an upgrade.

In a Top Ten list, five is better than six.

We're not a top ten list!

How do you ever get anything done if all you ever do is argue with each other?

We don't, that's part of our charm. Quit fuckin' it up!

Look, I know you guys are all wrapped up in your little "Red vs Blue" battles-

Blue vs Red battles! No one says Red vs Blue, it sounds stupid when you say it backwards.

But this is important. Actual military operations. Not your fake simulation stuff. Something is hunting our top agents, and I need all the help I can get to stop it.

Stop it? If it's killing Freelancers, I want to start a fan club for it, build it a website.

And now that the ship from your canyon is crashed, we think it's more powerful than ever. It gains new abilities every time it kills-

Wait wait wait, whoa- you found Tex's ship?

We believe so.

Where?

Come with me and I'll show you.

Ok, I'm in.

Yes, this will be the greatest road trip ever!

If you say anything positive, I will fucking kill all three of us right now.

Okay. I will be very depressed about how awesome this will be!

Who knows? Probably like, you know, make a noise, or throw a rock. That's what I would do.

...Or he could do that.

I think he is better at distractions than you are.

Yeah.

[Over the radio] Okay, come on out. But come quietly.

OK, let's go.

Um, yes, I don't want to. Uh, you see I am scared of the thing that I don't know what it is.

Oh, don't be a baby. How bad could it be- [Steps into the grav-lift and is send flying through the air] -EEEEEEE! [lands, bounces, skids, hydroplanes, and eventually smacks up against the side of a jeep behind two soldiers, making "oof" sounds the whole way] That was fucking bullshit!

Did you just say somethin'?

Whuh?

I said quietly, what part of quiet don't you understand?

What part? How 'bout the part where I got thrown eighty feet in the fucking air, by the God damn throwing thing'!?

Okay! [Stands up and shoots South]

Ah, son of a-

Alarm, friendly fire!

Um, she got in the way when I was trying to help her.

Okay, we're good!

Go ahead, Command.

Wash, we have a beacon.

I'm getting it too. Do you have coordinates and an ID?

Are you sure about this? I mean this is how we can be-

Command, you're breaking up on me, please repeat, how what can be-

Hold on, I'm not talking to you Wash. And, and you're sure? Okay. It's Agent Maine, Wash.

What?

Please confirm last transmission Agent Washington.

Maine? How can that be? If-

Please confirm, Recovery One.

Yeah, it's him. It's the Meta.

What!?

Command, give me those coordinates now.

The Meta is a Freelancer?

[Sarcastic] Yeah, because no one else in the military would have a standard-issue motorcycle just like that.

Also, the piles of dead bodies might have been a clue.

Just keep your heads down and your eyes open. I'm going to advance on that wall, you two get Delta and move up on the other side.

Okay.

Don't use the radio unless it's absolutely necessary.

Okay.

And don't make a move until I do.

[Annoyed] Okay!

And no screw-ups this time!

Angrily] OKAY! Are we gonna sit here on the beach all day, or we're gonna go get this thing!?

We only have one chance of this before he gets back to full power. I can't take any chances that you guys are going to botch this.

Hi. My name is Leonard Church. But nobody calls me Leonard. Most people call me Church. Sometimes they call me Alpha, and a few people even know me as the Director. But I haven't been called that in a really, really long time. You see, I know that when you look at me, I know I look like a super badass space warrior, but I'm not. I'm actually a-

(From off-screen) Hey, Church!

Uh... (Clears throat) Just, uh, ignore. Uh... I'm actually a computer program that's been reincarnated in the memory of-

Church!

I'm actually a computer program-

Hey, Church!

That's been reincarnated in the memory of a-

Where the hell are you?!

OK, I'm just gonna start over. I'm just gonna... Just go back to the beginning.

Church!

Hi-

Church!

My name is Leonard Church-

Church!

But nobody calls me that-

(Appearing on the cliff face) Hey, Church, come on!

(Grunts in annoyance) GOD DAMN IT! WHAT!? WHAT DO YOU WANT!?

Come on! Get up here!

Yeah, okay, hold on! For God's sake, I'm coming!

Ok, how about this? Donut gets to shoot you in exchange for you getting to say what you need to say.

Five minutes of talking, for one shot. Where do you want it, Blue? The shoulder or the foot?

Well, obviously I would pick the foot, but I don't want you guys to shoot me in-

Deal. (Fires his pistol)

OW! Son of a bitch!

Okay, your five minutes have started. Go.

What happened?

One of the Reds just shot Church in the foot.

Ow, that fuckin' hurt!

I don't really see how we can, I can't really get a clear shot of Church from this angle.

Ow, man you guys are a bunch of dicks. I just got this foot.

(Limping back to base) Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Church, you're home! Welcome back.

Yeah, yeah, thanks for helping me while the Red's just shoot me in the goddamn foot.

Yeah, well you told us to stay on the cliff and I did...Yeah that was helping.

Oh really? Then why aren't you on the cliff right now?

Oh, I thought the helping part was over.

Okay, Caboose, think back. When you called Command about the special forces person, what did they say to you?

They said, "This is Command. We read you Blue base."

After that.

"Roger. Over and out."

Before that. Somewhere between those two. "Goodbye" and "Hello" are not the important parts of the conversation.

No, I know, and my name isn't even Roger...although that is a very cool nickname. I wonder if it fits? Roger shut up. Roger, don't put that in your mouth. Roger, put that down. Roger, will you please be my best friend? Signed, Church. P.S. Your new name is the best. I like it. Signed, Church...again.

(Aggravated) What did they tell you in the middle? What did they say? I need you to focus, Caboose.

Ugh.... I need you to focus, Roger.

Mwhahaha!! Blarg blarg honk, haha!

Mwhaha! Blarg honk, you say? hmm haha fools.

Sarge

Blargity blarg... Ya honkbag.

Honk honk blarg blarg. Honkhonkblargblarg. Honk-honky blarg?

Sarge

Blarg. And also, honk. Are these really my lines? This is ridiculous! Who wrote this?!

Line...

Sarge

Enough blargin, when do I get to beat up Grif? He's got a honking coming to him!

Whats the motivation here? Is there like, a boss alien whose ass I should be kissing? Honk honk blarg, sir!

Hey Simmons. Is it just me, or do you have your head halfway up Sarge's blonk?

Hey, guys! Honk honk blarg blarg. Honk blarg blarg, blarg honk!

This is stupid. This character has less lines than I do.

Blargever, dude.

What am I talking about?

I'm an alien.

Well, what do the alien chicks look like?

I AM AN ALIEN!

Do they like to honk?

(not pausing) I'm an alien, I'm an alien, I'm an alien, I'm an alien.

Honk honk, blarg blarg, goddammit, honk.

[As a Wraith tank] Honk honk. Firing main blarg

[Fires sniper rifle] See? I'm telling you, there is something wrong with this honking thing. It doesn't work as an alien or as a person.

(after a long pause) ...El honk.

Hey reds, you honk! Blue blargs!

Who wants to see my honk honk? Go on, give it a blarg!

Shut the blarg up!!!

What's the deal, dude? I've been here all day and I haven't even been in a single shot yet. Why did you guys call me down here?

What are you bitchin' at me for?

Ow!

Oh, come on, Sarge!

Sarge

Oh, I'm sorry. Don't let me interrupt all your fancy dyin' talk. NOW DIE!

Ow!

Hey Church, I'm still trying to figure out what to get Caboose.

Christmas is in seven hours, moron.

I know. If you wait until last minute, you get all the good deals.

Ah, just get everybody the same thing. That's what I did.

Let me guess, everyone's getting a lump of coal.

FUCK no! Do you know how much coal costs!? It's like five bucks a ton! I'm not spending that much on you losers! (short pause) You're all getting a lump of smoal.

What's smoal?

It's a knockoff synthetic coal. It's just as good as the real thing. Except when you burn it, it doesn't make any heat. It just makes smoke.

Wha-what? How does it make smoke with no heat?

How the fuck do I know? Ask the fine makers of smoal.