Are you on page 12 yet? What are you doing?
Scrapbookin'. This one's gonna go right on the cover of my Phil Diffy edition.
Marla, the poetry test is on Friday. Okay? So we really need to buckle down. You see, buckle down is a metaphor for studying. And a metaphor is...
A comparison. But a simile is a comparison usin' the words "like" or "as."
Ms. Phipps is as crusty as a piece of toast.
And you are as funny as a mule in a bow tie.
Ah ah ah...Phil, whatever you do, don't try to make her laugh.
I wasn't trying to make you laugh. I was just...Trying to give you an example of a simile. Are you on page 12 yet?
KeelyThese are the rules, Phil. No matter what you do, don't take anything from her. Gum, mints, nuts of any kind--it all means one thing...Commitment.
I'm really not interested in nuts, mints, gum of any kind.
Ugh, hold the anchovy. I hate those salty little devils.
Keely
(Imitating Marla) My stars, It's that heartthrob Phil Diffy!
Come here, shug. You got a big ol' dangler.
Yeah, I know. You know what? I think I've, uh, actually taken care of the Marla situation. I gave her nothing to misinterpret. In fact, I think I've heard the last of ol' Marla.
MMan
(Trumpeting Fanfare) Ahem. Hear ye, hear ye. Be it proclaimed throughout this land, H.G. Wells junior-senior high, that maiden Marla loves squire Phil.
MMan
May their passion be borne on the wings of a thousand doves. This love decree hath ended. Yo, chief, you know where I can grab a cab?
Not a clue. Well, how about that? Marla must have met another guy named Phil.
Keely
I don't think so, squire.
Keely
Phil? You have to do something. You have to talk to her.
Forget talk. Kick her to the curb.
I have to break up with her? Well, how? I--I...
Keely
Don't look at me. I've never broken up with anybody.
Look, It's a snap. You know the guy I'm going out with, Mikey Watson?
Mikey Watson. A.K.A...The luckiest guy in the ninth grade. I've heard of him.
I was gonna cut him loose on Monday anyway, but if this helps...Hey, Mikey! These last few weeks have been huge, but we're done.
Keely
Phil, what's going on?
Keely, It's getting out of hand. I either have to marry Marla or leave town.
Keely
My mom and her friends are having a cat circus. Don't ask.
Marla says she loves me for what's on the inside. (Scoffs) Does that stink, or what?
Keely
(Laughs)
Keely, It's not funny and It's not fair. Girls have all these rules, and we're supposed to figure out what they are.
Keely
Are you kidding? It's not easy for us, either.
Well, I have absolutely no idea what's going on in Marla's head.
Keely
Phil, sure, you do. She thinks you're cute, funny, and sensitive. The problem is she doesn't know what's going on in your head.
What am I supposed to do? Be like Tia and kick her to the curb?
Keely
(Sighs) It's probably best just to be yourself. You're cute, funny, and sensitive. You know, guide her to the curb.
Keely
Phil, you know what this is?
Keely
No, it's a musical spit catcher.
Keely
Phil, that can't be healthy.
Keely
I don't know why i thought i could play the flute. You ever play an instrument?
Keely
Did you blow in it? Are there strings? Did you hit it?
Exactly. All those things.
Keely
So, I tried to call you last night to talk about the field trip.
Oh...Yeah. I was out riding my bike.
Keely
Really? Your mom said you went for a walk.
Yeah, I did. Well, see, I took a bike ride, but then i got a flat tire, so i had to walk the bike back. Oh, technically, I guess it was really a walk. So, anyway, about the field trip. Where are we going?
Keely
Mm! To the pickford tomato ranch. You didn't know pickford was the ketchup capital of the world, did you?
That's why there's that giant squeeze bottle in town square.
Keely
I know it sounds lame, but it's actually kind of cool. At the end of the tour, everybody gets into the stomping tub and stomps tomatoes. Anyway, it's all squishy and messy and barefoot.
Barefoot? As in...Barefoot?
Keely
Yeah, what's the matter?
Keely
Can't what?
Go to pickford ranch because i'm allergic to tomatoes, see? If one even touches my body, I get all weird and twitchy. Just like that. (Exhales)
Keely
You're about to eat ketchup right now.
MMan
Tomato pioneer ira pickford never did find the gold he was looking for, but he did find another treasure--red gold. The pride of pickford. From this humble fruit flows the most noble of meat sauces...Ketchup. This town was built on the hard work and sweaty back of a man with a dream.
Keely
I thought you were allergic to tomatoes.
Yeah. I got my allergy shot last night.
Keely
Right.
MMan
All right, everyone, please remove your shoes and socks.
Uh, excuse me. Is there a place i can change?
Keely
Change? We're just taking off our shoes and socks.
MMan
Well, Oddly enough, for some of our shyer visitors, we do have changing facilities.
Keely
Hey.
Hey there. So, uh, you may have noticed i've been acting a little weird lately.
Keely
Now that you mention it...A little.
Yeah. I'm sorry about that.
Keely
It's okay. So...You're normal Phil again?
Keely
Phil, you want to go to the deep end?
No, I don't want to go to the deep end. I'm fine right here. Thanks. Could you just leave me alone for a minute? Okay?
Keely
Whatever, Phil.
Excuse me, I uh...Lost my wallet.
Keely
I swear, Phil Diffy has more mood swings than my mother. I mean, have you noticed that? He's up, he's down. If you want to be his friend, i'm telling you, strap in!
MMan
Your attention, please. Nobody move! We've detected a foreign article in the slurry!
MMan
All right, everybody out of the tub!
PPrincipal
All right, Johnson, you're next. Get in here!
Keely
Sometimes i dream i'm married to Mr. Potatohead...And we live in a 2-bedroom condo in boca raton, florida.
Keely
And i want to be a doctor, but he wants me to stay home and take care of our 5 spuds.
So...Why are you telling me this?
Keely
Because it's my deepest, darkest secret. And because i know what's going on. I found this in the goop.
What?! It's not--it's not mine.
Keely
"Property of P. Diffy"? Phil, so what? You have 4 toes. You don't have to hide things from me.
Keely
Yeah. You spent the last 3 days lying and acting all weird and throwing tomatoes at me just because of a...Pinky toe?
It does feel kinda good to get my toe off my chest.
Keely
(Chuckles) Phil, you're my best friend. Just promise me no more secrets. You and i are on a...100% honesty pact. Deal?
Deal. Wait. Uh, there's...One more thing.
Keely
What is it? Don't worry.
(Sighs) The reason i have 4 toes is because where i'm from, everyone does. I grew up over 100 years from now. I'm from the future.
You told her what?! Why?!
I had to. She told me she has dreams about being married to Mr. Potatohead. Look, it's Keely's innermost secret. When she told me that, I realized that it doesn't matter what century you're from. Real friends are truthful with each other, and i need a friend. A real friend.
When this leaks out, there's gonna be news reports and a manhunt! Before you know it, they're going to be busting down our door!
Marmalukes! Do you hear that? They're here!
Keely
Hey! Sorry about the racket. Your gate sticks a bit.
Hey, I thought i heard someone at the gate.
Keely
Oh, it's just me, Mrs. Diffy. I never officially welcomed you to the neighborhood.
Aw, thank you, Keely. Although we do miss lawrence, kansas, geographical center of the nation.
Save it. Our son spilled the beans.
Keely
Phil, I don't care if you're from the future. Or from kansas...Or some nut job from...Nutsville. It doesn't matter to me. Whatever secrets you have, they're safe with me.
Thank you. It really means a lot to me. It--It means a lot to us.
Phil, it looks like your new friend might need a ride home.
Keely
Oh, my gosh, Phil, you really are from the future.
Oh, honey, remember our first skyak ride?
Oh, no. This can't be right. According to my organizer, i'm a loser!
Yep. I'm totally free this weekend.
(Grunts) You? You are totally free? Nothing? I find that hard to believe.
Keely
Oh! Problem solved! You're going to festapalooza.
Keely
Festapalooza saturday.
I didn't know it was this weekend. There's gonna be, like, 50 bands there.
Festa...Festapalooza! No way! Festapalooza is legendary. Murray Van Peltin stir-fries his guitar on stage. (Imitates Electric Guitar) And then serves it to the needy. It was crazy!
Well, the concert's not till saturday. How would you know what happens?
Keely
Um...Phil gets his tenses confused when he's tired. Sometimes he uses the past tense, sometimes he uses the future tense. Sometimes he's just tense.
I'm hoping that murray, you know, stir-fries his guitar...On stage...Because as we know...That would be really good for the needy. So, I wonder how much tickets are?
Keely
100 Bucks.
Keely
That guy is good. I could have used him during my ceramics quiz.
Keely
So, what's this business idea of yours?
All right. What's the one thing that pickford is bustling with?
Keely
Tomatoes.
Tomatoes, and...Dogs! Huh? Little ones, big ones, skinny ones, fat ones.
Keely
Hairy ones, bald ones, small ones, tall ones. Sorry. I thought we were playing a word game.
And what's the one thing that all dogs have in common?
Keely
(Gasps) They...You know. Ugh.
Exactly! At least once a day! And all owners hate to scoop. That's where we come in. We do the job that no one wants to do.
Keely
Okay, but can't we offer more service than that?
Keely
Phil! I can't just go to a dog's house and not play with them.
Fine. We are a full-service doggy day care. See, the way i figure it, we can have those festapalooza tickets in a couple of days.
Hey, Guys. I just got my ticket. Oh, are you guys still coming to the concert?
Absolutely. Hey, we just started a doggy scooping business. What to join?
Keely
It's not just poop! We're full service!
Hey, her loss, right? We're gonna have fun. We'll be our own bosses. We'll be out in the fresh...Almost fresh air! Which reminds me, I actually got Curtis to do some of the dirty work. Hey, C-Man! (Chuckles)
I think it just may be his calling.
This is Mad Max's house. His owner said he'd be locked inside.
Keely
Why do you think they call him Mad Max?
'Cause he sells electronics at rock-bottom prices. "Beware Of The Dog." "It's A Big, Mean Dog. Chomp, Chomp."
Keely
"I'd Turn Back If I Were You." Good idea.
Hi, Max. You're sure you're not a bear?
Keely
Heh.
Keely
Are you a good boy?
Keely
Guess Not.
Keely
Phil, I think he's mad at us.
Hmm. You think? Let me find out. Uh, see, there's a function on my wizard. It interprets animal sounds. What'cha thinking, Max? Huh? You're all bark, right, pal?
(Male Voice) Another move and i'll rip your appendix out and use it as a chew toy. (Growling)
Keely
Mad Max, we're sorry. We didn't mean to disturb you.
But the thing is, if you back up a few feet. We'll be on our way. All right? have a nice day. We'll see you later. Bye-bye.
(Male Voice) Yeah, right. Have a nice day. I got a tick the size of a cockapoo. My master, he went off to college.
Keely
Your master left you?
Yeah, he was my best friend. Now i just feel like biting something.
Uh, well, i'll tell you, Max. We'll be your friends, huh?
Hmm. Why would you want to be my friend?
Keely
Because you seem like a fun guy. Not fun in a laugh-out-loud kind of way, but more of a pleasant grumpiness.
Sure. So it's settled, huh? We'll come by and see you tomorrow. Let us down without...Eating us. Thanks.
Keely
See you tomorrow, Maximilian!
(Male Voice) Wow! No one ever calls me Maximilian anymore.
Well, we do, 'cause we're your friends. Let's get out of here.
Keely
Yeah.
Yo, aren't you forgetting something? Hey, I left you a little present. I'm sorry. I didn't have time to wrap it. (Chuckles)
You want to get this one? 'Cause my hands are full.
Keely
I got my travel wipes, and 2 quarters duct-taped to my calves in case my cell phone doesn't work.
What about that giant foam finger of yours?
Keely
(Gasps) Chunks and scraps! I forgot it!
Keely
Phil, is there a frog following us?
He's probably trying to follow us to the concert.
FFrog
(Croaks) (Croaking)
Keely
Use the wizard on him.
Okay, but i'm not sure it'll work on amphibians.
FFrog
I've been looking all over for you, Guys. Mad Max is straight buggin'!
Keely
Really? What's wrong with him?
FFrog
I don't know. He busted out of his crib. Said nobody cares. Talkin' about makin' a fresh start somewhere.
But he just came by to see me. I thought he was going home.
Keely
Wait, Phil, you knew he was upset, and you just left him?
No! No, I mean...I gave him a sock.
Keely
He could get lost! He could get hurt!
FFrog
Yo, he could get jacked.
Keely
Yeah, he could get jacked!
All right, Keely, we'll go to the concert. Then, after we get back, if he's still gone, we'll go and look for him.
Keely
(Sighs) Do what you want. I'm outta here.
Wait, no...Keely! But he's just a dog!
Yoo-hoo! Yeah, the concert's this way. If she's going home to change outfits...I don't blame her.
No, she's all upset about this dog Max. I--I don't know what she's so freaked out about.
That's Keely. I've known her since the first grade. Yeah, she probably thinks she's doing the right thing.
(Sighs) See, Phil, there are 2 types of people in this world--people like Keely, who are always thinking about other people. Then there are people like us, who i call...Happy people.
So you can't...Do the right thing and be happy?
Well, all i know is my way works. Hey, now, you probably won't be able to get backstage. So i'll see you back at school on...Monday. At least let me sell your tickets! (Scoffs) Unhappy person.
Phil of the Future · 136 quotes
