Lloyd quotes from Phil of the Future

Phil

Come on, pokey. Can you keep up?

Lloyd

Looks like the end of a long run of a father whuppin' his son--but wait! Wait, what's this in my pocket? Oh...

Phil

Afterburner? That's cheating!

Lloyd

I can't hear you! Eat my vapor! Whoo! Ha ha!

Phil

Cheater!

Lloyd

Who are you callin' cheater? (Laughs)

Phil

So when do I get to use the afterburner?

Lloyd

I'm afraid you're not old enough to handle this kind of speed, son! It takes nerve, coordination, and most of all, maturity! Last one home's a doofus-head! Whoo! Ha ha!

Phil

What's goin' on?

Lloyd

I'm thinking about takin' one of those old-fashioned road trips, just me and your mom headin' down the highway, wind in our hair, backseat full of snacks.

Phil

Oh, rewind. That means you're leaving me home w-w-with...That.

Lloyd

Pim, what do you think you're doing?

Pim

Just bustin' stuff.

Pim

What do you think you're doing?

Phil

Mom and dad are going away for the weekend.

Pim

Yes! Pim's home alone!

Pim

I'll miss you.

Lloyd

No. You won't be home alone. You'll be with Phil.

Lloyd

And he's in charge.

Pim

I'm sorry. My ears are still ringing for some jackhammerin' I was doin' earlier.

Pim

You said what, now?

Lloyd

You heard me, Pim. Phil's in charge. he's older, he's more responsible, and he doesn't spend his weekends bustin' up stuff.

Pim

But, dad, I--

Lloyd

Pim, we're not gonna talk about this anymore.

Phil

Uh, dad, can--can--can we talk about this a little more?

Lloyd

Sure.

Phil

See, I don't think that Pim really needs a baby-sitter. I think she needs more a zookeeper.

Lloyd

Son--

Phil

No, no. A whole team of zookeepers with muzzles and high-powered hoses and tranquilizer guns.

Lloyd

Okay, okay, here's the deal. I know being in charge is a lot of work, but if you keep a lid on things and you watch your sister and you get your chores done, i'll make it worth your while.

Phil

No way.

Lloyd

Yes way. The afterburner. It's yours.

Phil

What are you standing around for? Go! Scram! Get packin'. Come on. This weekend's gonna be smooth.

Barbara

Now, don't forget. There's a list of emergency numbers on the fridge, and here's a list of chores we'd like you to do. Um, rake the leaves, clean out the garage, and do the recycling.

Phil

No problemo.

Curtis

(Growls and Snorts)

Barbara

Oh, and don't forget to give curtis his B-A-T-H.

Curtis

Huh?

Pim

Oh, you mean his bath.

Curtis

Heehh! (Muttering Frantically) No take a bath!

Barbara

Ohh.

Pim

Aw, nutsicles. That's why you spelled it.

Lloyd

This is a disaster!

Barbara

What's the matter?

Barbara

"Psyched" isn't the word. "Nervous" is the word.

Lloyd

All right, kids. I love you. We'll see ya.

Pim

Love you.

Barbara

I love you, baby. Be good. Be good.

Pim

Bye, mom.

Barbara

Take care of her.

Lloyd

Honey, can you get that big suitcase for me?

Barbara

Hey, that--I will call to check in around 4:00. Pim, mind your brother. Ohh, Lloyd, this is yours!

Phil

Bye!

Barbara

Bye, guys! Behave yourself.

Phil

So...

Pim

So...

Phil

Hey, uh, about these chores, there's not many of them, so i'll just do 'em. We cool?

Pim

We're cool...

Pim

But when i'm done with you, you'll be so cool not even that precious afterburner will be able to warm you up.

Curtis

Teeyah makkah?

Pim

What?!

Curtis

Teeyah makkah.

Pim

Curtis, you're in America now. Speak english.

Curtis

"Beek engrish."

According to experts, one hundred years from now, kids will have no cavities. True or false?

Pim

False.

True.

Correct! Okay, next question...

Pim

Are you kidding me? I've got a mouth full of cavities. And I've also got the clicker. See ya.

Next up, the bonus round--

Pim

Dad, what did I say about doing that?

Lloyd

Pim, you can't lie around the house every day. You need a hobby.

Pim

I have one. It's called television viewing.

Lloyd

I don't know what kids do in this century. I guess they...They play their sports, and they do their little music, but you gotta do something. You're not gonna waste your life lying on this couch. Or sitting on this couch.

Pim

(Sighs) All right.

For the extended forecast...

Lloyd

Oh, weather network! Oh! Oh, It's raining in Phoenix. (Laughs) Great.

Phil

I don't know what to do. See, if I tell Marla that I don't like her, then...It'll hurt her feelings.

Lloyd

Son, It's a good thing you came to me. This is what you call a classic father-son moment.

Phil

Really? You mean girls had crushes on you when you were growing up?

Lloyd

No, but they did on my old college roommate rex.

Phil

Rex, rex...Isn't that the guy mom almost married?

Lloyd

Let's not go there. Anyway, he had so many girls chasing him, he used one of these.

Phil

Ah, one of those old-fashioned DNA scramblers.

Lloyd

Yep. I never go anywhere without this thing.

Lloyd

Oh, they're a hoot at parties. I'll make you look so strange, Marla'll be running for the hills.

Phil

Great! Thanks, dad.

Lloyd

Hey, remember when I used it on your uncle Milt, made his lips look like a fish?

Phil

Yeah, you really lightened up his funeral.

Lloyd

That's what I'm saying, yeah.

Lloyd

So you really want to go to this pickford ranch?

Phil

Yeah, I do. You know, every time i start to feel like a normal kid from a normal family, something gets in the way...Like this.

Barbara

Sweetie, if you're concerned that your feet smell, just do what your dad does.

Lloyd

1/2 hour in a vinegar soak, then dust 'em with cornmeal.

Phil

No, it's not the smell, mom. I'm talking about how people in this century have 5 toes. I have 4.

Lloyd

Ha ha! That's right!

Barbara

Oh, that's right. They won't lose their pinky toe for 75 years.

Lloyd

How do they walk with all those--

Barbara

(Silly Voice) Hello, I am a useless pinky toe. Someday, you will be born without me.

Phil

Come on, guys, i'm serious.

Pim

Okay, family, I don't have much time for chit chat. I need donations. Watches, necklaces, belt buckles, gold fillings. Don't be stingy. It's for a good cause. Thank you. Your donations are appreciated. I'm touched. Et cetera, et cetera.

Lloyd

Son, if you really want to go on this field trip, i'm gonna find a way to get you there.

Phil

Really?

Barbara

Lloyd...What are you gonna do, build him a falsie?

Lloyd

Yes.

Lloyd

You told her what?! Why?!

Phil

I had to. She told me she has dreams about being married to Mr. Potatohead. Look, it's Keely's innermost secret. When she told me that, I realized that it doesn't matter what century you're from. Real friends are truthful with each other, and i need a friend. A real friend.

Lloyd

When this leaks out, there's gonna be news reports and a manhunt! Before you know it, they're going to be busting down our door!

Lloyd

Marmalukes! Do you hear that? They're here!

Keely

Hey! Sorry about the racket. Your gate sticks a bit.

Barbara

Hey, I thought i heard someone at the gate.

Keely

Oh, it's just me, Mrs. Diffy. I never officially welcomed you to the neighborhood.

Barbara

Aw, thank you, Keely. Although we do miss lawrence, kansas, geographical center of the nation.

Lloyd

Save it. Our son spilled the beans.

Barbara

I'll go pack.

Keely

Phil, I don't care if you're from the future. Or from kansas...Or some nut job from...Nutsville. It doesn't matter to me. Whatever secrets you have, they're safe with me.

Phil

Thank you. It really means a lot to me. It--It means a lot to us.

Lloyd

Phil, it looks like your new friend might need a ride home.

Phil

Really?

Barbara

Be careful.

Keely

Oh, my gosh, Phil, you really are from the future.

Phil

It's a skyak. hop on.

Barbara

Oh, honey, remember our first skyak ride?

Lloyd

I never had a skyak.

Phil

Hey, Dad? I'm pretty sure the hoses in this century aren't thought-activated. you gotta actually squeeze the handle.

Lloyd

Thanks a load, Smarty Trousers. See, every day at this time an ill-mannered dog drops by and leaves a fresh present on our lawn. Today, i'm gonna let him know how i feel about that.

Phil

Gotcha. So, while we're waiting, my chance i could borrow 100 bucks to see a concert?

Lloyd

Festapalooza, huh?

Phil

Yeah, you saw the skywriter?

Lloyd

Yeah, I was trimming my nose hairs in the backyard. I looked in the mirror, and i saw it. I thought it said azoolapatsef. Anyway, sorry, Son. You gotta earn that money on your own.

Lloyd

Aw, nut sticks! He did it again! I hate cleaning up after this hound.

Phil

Hey, Dad...I'd be happy to clean it up for you.

Lloyd

Really?

Phil

For 100 bucks. 2 bucks?

Lloyd

You got a deal, Mister.

Lloyd

I don't know why people have so many dogs around here. That's what dogs do, you know. Dog...Dog doo. (Laughs)

Phil

Pleasure doing business with you.

Lloyd

You, too. Thank you.

Phil

No. Thank you. I think you just gave me a great idea.

Lloyd

Uh...Honey!

Debbie

Is that fluffy enough for you?

Pim

Could be fluffier.

Debbie

Say no more. You need to be relaxed in order to heal. I'll find you the fluffiest pillow of them all!

Pim

(Laughs)

Lloyd

Hey, Pim. What happened to you?

Pim

Oh, this. Uh...Debbie wants to be a nurse when she grows up, so i let her bandage me. As practice.

Lloyd

Oh, well...that's awfully nice of you.

Pim

Helping friends reach their goals...That's why i was put on this earth.

Lloyd

Say, Debbie, What do you think of this ingrown hair i have here?

Debbie

I think it's cute.

Pim

Hey, Debs, You know, all this being in pain is making me thirsty. Score me a root beer, will ya?

Debbie

Absolutely. Anything you need.

Pim

Oh! And now that you mention it, my spanish homework needs doing. Know what i mean, slappy? (Laughs)

Lloyd

Because I didn't want the neighbors to see me in my undies.

Pim

Couldn't you have spared us?!

Lloyd

Pim, let it go.

Pim

Vice Principal is our next-door neighbor. I will never let it go.

Phil

(Yawning Loudly) (Sniffs a shirt) Whoa! Hohh! That's not clean.

Barbara

Good morning, Sweetheart. Breakfast is ready.

Phil

Mom, I'm not dressed!

Barbara

(Laughing) Oh, Phil, I was there the day you popped out of your natal pod. You don't have anything i haven't seen already.

Phil

Yeah, except for the sign on the door that says "Please Knock."

Lloyd

Hey, Phil! That "Please Knock" sign is lookin' a little shabby. I'll touch it up for you as soon as i store these photon conduits.

Phil

Dad, Look. I know that space in the garage is a little tight right now, But why does my room have to become your storage closet?

Lloyd

Because the sign on Pim's door says "Keep Out Or Else," and i don't want to find out what "Or Else" means.

Phil

Well, I don't have room for all this junk.

This unit is not junk.

Lloyd

Be careful what you say around the time engine C.P.U. It's a little emotionally unstable right now.

This unit reads lips, you know. and this unit's going through a lot right now.

Phil

Well, if it's ok with everyone else in this family. I kinda find getting dressed a little bit of a private affair.

Lloyd

No Problem. I got some more stuff to bring up, anyway.

Phil

(Puts shirt over the unit)(Sighs) Nothing personal.

Nothing this unit hasn't seen already.

Phil

(Gasps) Pim! Do You Think This Is Funny?

Pim

Not yet...But it'll be hilarious on the front page of my blog.

Lloyd

Hey, Everybody, I'm thinkin' tonight's the night for game night.

Pim

Dad, You're still shy 20 large from last month's game of snakes and ladders, blood-sport edition.

Lloyd

Well, I have finally found a present-day game that i can win. It's called (Mispronouncing) Charad-Zah.

Barbara

Ooh, charad-zah! Sounds fancy. We're gonna need some cheese.

Phil

It's not called charad-zah. It's called charades. All right? And if you don't mind, I'm gonna take a rain check.

Lloyd

Rain check. Whoa, Whoa, Whoa. I haven't even lost yet.

Barbara

Phil, It's game night. Don't you want to spend time with your family?

Phil

I think i spend enough time with you all in my room. You just walk in whenever you want. You store all your time machine junk in there, and you(Pim)...Live here. It--(Sighs) Don't get me wrong. All right? I love almost all of you, but i think what i really need is some privacy in my own room.

Pim

Sounds like your own room is about to blow a gasket.

Lloyd

Maybe i shouldn't have stored the hysterical fuel cells next to the self-propelled spark rods.

Lloyd

Yeah, that was probably a mistake.

Phil

My room!

Pim

You're not getting any privacy with that giant gaping hole in your floor. Tough break, Kid.

Phil

This is way too big to fix for the wizard. Maybe dad will lend me some of his future tools.

Lloyd

Are you kidding? My tools are calibrated for high-tech plastics and composites, not for wood and nails. They're extremely, extremely sensitive.

Lloyd

Oh. Little help, please?

Phil

Well, where am i gonna sleep?

Barbara

You'll just have to bunk with Pim until we can get this fixed.

(Laughing)

Phil

That was a good one, Mom.

Pim

Yeah, way to cut the tension.

Phil

Oh...Oh, i'd rather live in the garage.

Barbara

Well, i'm open to any better ideas.

Phil

I'd rather live in the garage.

Lloyd

Hey, I think that's a great--ly...Bad idea. Greatly bad.

Barbara

I--I hate to say it, but i agree with your father. you are too young to be living in the garage.

Pim

I say it's high time to push him out of the nest and say, "Fly, Baby Bird! Spread those wings and make us proud."

Lloyd

I agree with your mother.

Barbara

I haven't said anything yet.

Lloyd

Oh, it's just kind of a technicality, isn't it?

Pim

Mom, you just said phil is so young, he should live in the garage.

Barbara

No...I Didn't.

Phil

Uh, that's what i heard.

Lloyd

I'm just sayin' i agree.

Phil

What's it gonna be, Mom?

Barbara

Just...Until--

Phil

Yes! Thank You! Thank You!

Pim

The house...Is mine! All mine!

Barbara

Pim! I've told you a hundred times if you're gonna disappear under cover of a smoke bomb, take it outside!

Pim

(Distantly) Sorry, Mom.

Barbara

(Sighs)

Pim

Feed me. Come on, Ma. I'm on empty.

Barbara

I...Set 4 places for breakfast, but we only need (Tearfully) 3. Seems like only yesterday that phil ate breakfast here.

Pim

It was yesterday.

Barbara

Remember the first day...Right after he moved out?

Pim

That's now. You're being nostalgic about now!

Barbara

I know it's hard for you to understand, Pim. When you get older, you'll see that time really does fly.

Lloyd

Has anyone seen my Welder's helmet?

Pim

Not if dad's the pilot.

Barbara

Lloyd, have you made any headway with the floor repair?

Lloyd

Sweetie, you're forgetting we don't live in the 22nd century, where you have everything you need with the press of a button. I'm gonna have to go out and find a place that specializes in hammers, nails, uh, paints, plaster. It's not like i can quit my job at the hardware store and then just...Wait a minute. I just thought of a place.

Phil

Bruno. Hey. Phil Diffy. How's the H.G. Wells star quarterback? Hey, congrats on winning the fingerbowl last week. Yeah. Listen, Keely and i are throwing a housewarming party at my place tonight. Uh, and, well, you're on the short list. Yeah. I--I got my own crib out back.

Phil

Hello! Bruno?! Bruno! Hey...I Gotta go. Curtis, i was on the phone.

Curtis

Feet also on table. Where'd you learn manners? Barnyard?

Phil

I'm not the caveman here.

Curtis

Could fool Curtis. Phil clothes. Oh, Phil, Phil. Now...Curtis clothes. Phil books...Curtis books. Curtis arrange by author...Then subject.

Phil

Are you finished?

Curtis

Now we talk about throwing party without Curtis approval?

Phil

Okay. I just moved away from my mother. I don't need another one.

Curtis

Then stop acting like child.

Phil

I am not a child. I'm a responsible adult...Like person, and i don't need your permission to throw a party.

Curtis

In Curtis cave, you play by Curtis rules.

Phil

Okay, technically this isn't a cave. And even more technically, this cave is my garage!

Curtis

Oh! Phil claim Curtis cave?!

Phil

Oh, you don't scare me.

Curtis

Arrhh!

Phil

Okay. Okay. You scare me a little.

Lloyd

Phil! Great news.

Phil

What?

Lloyd

First of all, in the 21st century, there are these places called hardware stores. I work at one! Ha ha!

Barbara

Your father found some present-day tools he can use to fix your floor. You'll be able to move back in no time.

Curtis

Yeah.

Pim

What?!

Pim

I couldn't help but overhear.

Phil

Look, i don't want to move back in. I like it out here.

Pim

And i like him out here.

Barbara

Phil, you are too young to be living in the garage.

Phil

When are you going to get it? I'm not a little kid anymore.

Lloyd

Barb, it's not gonna hurt to let Phil give it a shot.

Curtis

Wait. Curtis no want to live in garage with Phil.

Phil

Then you can live in my room.

Pim

(Laughing) Yes!

Curtis

Mmm...Curtis on board.

Lloyd

Well, ho-hold on. Hold on. Phil's bedroom floor isn't fixed yet. It's gonna take quite a while.

Curtis

You got a lumber, floor joists, perhaps a plumb line?

Lloyd

Yeah.

Curtis

Curtis solve problem right now.