Phil quotes from Phil of the Future

Phil

Yeah he's about to walk where Arnie Haukhouser threw up last week.

Phil

I thought being remembered a hundred years from now wasn't important. But I'd give a hundred years of memories just to remember the most important, special, wonderful person I've ever met: Keely Teslow.

Phil

All right, next question. "This debate hurls corn." That's not a question.

Phil

They're really havin' fun in there.

Phil

Hey, Keely is more than just a pretty face, okay? She has a brain for facts, and a nose for news and a mouth for saying facts and news.

Phil

Come on, pokey. Can you keep up?

Lloyd

Looks like the end of a long run of a father whuppin' his son--but wait! Wait, what's this in my pocket? Oh...

Phil

Afterburner? That's cheating!

Lloyd

I can't hear you! Eat my vapor! Whoo! Ha ha!

Phil

Cheater!

Lloyd

Who are you callin' cheater? (Laughs)

Phil

So when do I get to use the afterburner?

Lloyd

I'm afraid you're not old enough to handle this kind of speed, son! It takes nerve, coordination, and most of all, maturity! Last one home's a doofus-head! Whoo! Ha ha!

Phil

What's goin' on?

Lloyd

I'm thinking about takin' one of those old-fashioned road trips, just me and your mom headin' down the highway, wind in our hair, backseat full of snacks.

Phil

Oh, rewind. That means you're leaving me home w-w-with...That.

Lloyd

Pim, what do you think you're doing?

Pim

Just bustin' stuff.

Pim

What do you think you're doing?

Phil

Mom and dad are going away for the weekend.

Pim

Yes! Pim's home alone!

Pim

I'll miss you.

Lloyd

No. You won't be home alone. You'll be with Phil.

Lloyd

And he's in charge.

Pim

I'm sorry. My ears are still ringing for some jackhammerin' I was doin' earlier.

Pim

You said what, now?

Lloyd

You heard me, Pim. Phil's in charge. he's older, he's more responsible, and he doesn't spend his weekends bustin' up stuff.

Pim

But, dad, I--

Lloyd

Pim, we're not gonna talk about this anymore.

Phil

Uh, dad, can--can--can we talk about this a little more?

Lloyd

Sure.

Phil

See, I don't think that Pim really needs a baby-sitter. I think she needs more a zookeeper.

Lloyd

Son--

Phil

No, no. A whole team of zookeepers with muzzles and high-powered hoses and tranquilizer guns.

Lloyd

Okay, okay, here's the deal. I know being in charge is a lot of work, but if you keep a lid on things and you watch your sister and you get your chores done, i'll make it worth your while.

Phil

No way.

Lloyd

Yes way. The afterburner. It's yours.

Phil

What are you standing around for? Go! Scram! Get packin'. Come on. This weekend's gonna be smooth.

Barbara

Now, don't forget. There's a list of emergency numbers on the fridge, and here's a list of chores we'd like you to do. Um, rake the leaves, clean out the garage, and do the recycling.

Phil

No problemo.

Curtis

(Growls and Snorts)

Barbara

Oh, and don't forget to give curtis his B-A-T-H.

Curtis

Huh?

Pim

Oh, you mean his bath.

Curtis

Heehh! (Muttering Frantically) No take a bath!

Barbara

Ohh.

Pim

Aw, nutsicles. That's why you spelled it.

Lloyd

This is a disaster!

Barbara

What's the matter?

Barbara

"Psyched" isn't the word. "Nervous" is the word.

Lloyd

All right, kids. I love you. We'll see ya.

Pim

Love you.

Barbara

I love you, baby. Be good. Be good.

Pim

Bye, mom.

Barbara

Take care of her.

Lloyd

Honey, can you get that big suitcase for me?

Barbara

Hey, that--I will call to check in around 4:00. Pim, mind your brother. Ohh, Lloyd, this is yours!

Phil

Bye!

Barbara

Bye, guys! Behave yourself.

Phil

So...

Pim

So...

Phil

Hey, uh, about these chores, there's not many of them, so i'll just do 'em. We cool?

Pim

We're cool...

Pim

But when i'm done with you, you'll be so cool not even that precious afterburner will be able to warm you up.

Curtis

Teeyah makkah?

Pim

What?!

Curtis

Teeyah makkah.

Pim

Curtis, you're in America now. Speak english.

Curtis

"Beek engrish."

Keely

We've been marked!

Phil

Myron, check your hand!

Wait... these don't look alien... and they wouldn't have used marker...

Keely

I never told you this, but I've always dreamed of someday becoming a singer.

Phil

I thought you wanted to become a cat psycologist?

Keely

Oh, that's my cover!

Keely

(about Tara) I can't stand her. I wish a building would fall on her! I wish she'd get stung by a fifty-pound bee! I wish a dog would mistake her as a fire hydrant! I wish the U.S. women's soccer team would use her as a ball!

Phil

Hey, how about running her over with a steamroller?

Keely

Phil, grow up!

Excuse me! Oh.

Phil

Oh, hey, can I help you with that?

(Southern Accent) Oh, why, thank you! These books are more slippery than a greased pig at a fourth of July picnic.

Phil

Hee, yeah. I know what you mean.

I'm Marla Beauregard.

Phil

I'm Phil Diffy. Aren't you in, uh...Mr. Ginsberg's english class?

Well, I believe I am. Are you ready for that dreadful midterm he's cooked up for us?

Phil

No, I'm not.

Phil

Ah. Well, we better get to class. Here, let me take some of those for you.

Oh, my. You're gonna help me carry my books?

Phil

Well, if I carried you, people might stare.

(Giggles)

Phil

You coming?

Course, Philip. I'd follow you barefoot through a briers patch.

Tia

That's perfect, Seth. Thank you. Whoa. Walk away. Uh, earth to Seth.

Seth

Oh! Sorry.

Keely

I'll take some pepper, Seth.

And even though the sun's set, you've filled my heart with light.

Phil

Uh...David Butler Thurmond.

Aah! Aren't you clever? Oh, shug, you got a dangler. I think It's puddin'. All better. See ya after school.

Tia

Uh, hello...Yeah, what was that about?

Phil

What? Oh, Marla. Yeah, we're gonna study together for Ginsberg's poetry test.

Keely

Phil, do you like that girl?

Phil

Like her? No, you mean like--no, I barely know her.

Tia

Yeah, well, she likes you.

Phil

I don't think so.

Seth

Phil, I'm the last guy to get stuff. But I think Tia's right. That Marla likes you!

Phil

Guys, she dropped one of her books, and I gave her a hand. That's all.

Keely

Phil, let me clue you in. When you do things for a girl, they have meanings.

Phil

Like what?

Keely

Like, if you carry her books, that means you're interested.

Tia

If you open the door for her...

Keely

That means you're interested, but currently seeing someone.

Tia

Giving somebody cuts in line...

Keely

Front cuts mean you think she's cute. Back cuts...

Let's be friends.

Seth

Oh, don't worry. I'm jotting all this down for us.

Phil

Great.

Phil

Are you on page 12 yet? What are you doing?

Scrapbookin'. This one's gonna go right on the cover of my Phil Diffy edition.

Phil

Marla, the poetry test is on Friday. Okay? So we really need to buckle down. You see, buckle down is a metaphor for studying. And a metaphor is...

A comparison. But a simile is a comparison usin' the words "like" or "as."

Phil

Ms. Phipps is as crusty as a piece of toast.

(Laughs)

Shh!

And you are as funny as a mule in a bow tie.

Tia

Ah ah ah...Phil, whatever you do, don't try to make her laugh.

Phil

I wasn't trying to make you laugh. I was just...Trying to give you an example of a simile. Are you on page 12 yet?

Almost. Want a piece?

Phil

Sure.

Keely

These are the rules, Phil. No matter what you do, don't take anything from her. Gum, mints, nuts of any kind--it all means one thing...Commitment.

Phil

Really?

Really what?

Phil

I'm really not interested in nuts, mints, gum of any kind.

Shh!

All right.

Tia

Ugh, hold the anchovy. I hate those salty little devils.

Keely

(Imitating Marla) My stars, It's that heartthrob Phil Diffy!

Tia

Come here, shug. You got a big ol' dangler.

Phil

Yeah, I know. You know what? I think I've, uh, actually taken care of the Marla situation. I gave her nothing to misinterpret. In fact, I think I've heard the last of ol' Marla.

(Trumpeting Fanfare) Ahem. Hear ye, hear ye. Be it proclaimed throughout this land, H.G. Wells junior-senior high, that maiden Marla loves squire Phil.

May their passion be borne on the wings of a thousand doves. This love decree hath ended. Yo, chief, you know where I can grab a cab?

Phil

Not a clue. Well, how about that? Marla must have met another guy named Phil.

Keely

I don't think so, squire.