Oh, hey, can I help you with that?
(Southern Accent) Oh, why, thank you! These books are more slippery than a greased pig at a fourth of July picnic.
Hee, yeah. I know what you mean.
I'm Phil Diffy. Aren't you in, uh...Mr. Ginsberg's english class?
Well, I believe I am. Are you ready for that dreadful midterm he's cooked up for us?
Ah. Well, we better get to class. Here, let me take some of those for you.
Oh, my. You're gonna help me carry my books?
Well, if I carried you, people might stare.
Course, Philip. I'd follow you barefoot through a briers patch.
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According to experts, one hundred years from now, kids will have no cavities. True or false?
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Correct! Okay, next question...
Are you kidding me? I've got a mouth full of cavities. And I've also got the clicker. See ya.
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Next up, the bonus round--
Dad, what did I say about doing that?
Pim, you can't lie around the house every day. You need a hobby.
I have one. It's called television viewing.
I don't know what kids do in this century. I guess they...They play their sports, and they do their little music, but you gotta do something. You're not gonna waste your life lying on this couch. Or sitting on this couch.
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For the extended forecast...
Oh, weather network! Oh! Oh, It's raining in Phoenix. (Laughs) Great.
That's perfect, Seth. Thank you. Whoa. Walk away. Uh, earth to Seth.
I'll take some pepper, Seth.
And even though the sun's set, you've filled my heart with light.
Uh...David Butler Thurmond.
Aah! Aren't you clever? Oh, shug, you got a dangler. I think It's puddin'. All better. See ya after school.
Uh, hello...Yeah, what was that about?
What? Oh, Marla. Yeah, we're gonna study together for Ginsberg's poetry test.
Phil, do you like that girl?
Like her? No, you mean like--no, I barely know her.
Yeah, well, she likes you.
Phil, I'm the last guy to get stuff. But I think Tia's right. That Marla likes you!
Guys, she dropped one of her books, and I gave her a hand. That's all.
Phil, let me clue you in. When you do things for a girl, they have meanings.
Like, if you carry her books, that means you're interested.
If you open the door for her...
That means you're interested, but currently seeing someone.
Giving somebody cuts in line...
Front cuts mean you think she's cute. Back cuts...
Oh, don't worry. I'm jotting all this down for us.
We're not done yet, thank you. You can sweep up later.
I'm not the janitor. I'm here to join the orchestra.
Oh, really? You have a name?
So, what instrument do I play?
(Laughs) Pim, I take my job very seriously. Meaning, I need musicians, not wannabes who waste my time.
Here's the poop. I can't go home until I get a hobby. In other words, you find me an instrument, or I'm bunking at your house.
Are you on page 12 yet? What are you doing?
Scrapbookin'. This one's gonna go right on the cover of my Phil Diffy edition.
Marla, the poetry test is on Friday. Okay? So we really need to buckle down. You see, buckle down is a metaphor for studying. And a metaphor is...
A comparison. But a simile is a comparison usin' the words "like" or "as."
Ms. Phipps is as crusty as a piece of toast.
And you are as funny as a mule in a bow tie.
Ah ah ah...Phil, whatever you do, don't try to make her laugh.
I wasn't trying to make you laugh. I was just...Trying to give you an example of a simile. Are you on page 12 yet?
These are the rules, Phil. No matter what you do, don't take anything from her. Gum, mints, nuts of any kind--it all means one thing...Commitment.
I'm really not interested in nuts, mints, gum of any kind.
As you know, Friday is our big recital. Our performance will feature a talented young soloist who will sing a wonderful song.
Pim, I said, "song," not "gong."
(Gongs) Gotta speak up! There's a lot of noise back here.
Anywho...Without further ado, let me introduce our lovely soloist, Miss Deborah Berwick.
Bradley Benjamin Farmer! How are you?
Debbie, you haven't aged a bit. I haven't seen you in so long.
Is that Pim Diffy on gong?
Tell me you don't know her. Please tell me you don't know her.
Oh, of course I know Pim! She's a treasure. Hi!
Hey, Debbie. I jumped a couple of those gongs, but don't worry, I'll nail it tomorrow night at the concert. Who knew a hobby could be so much fun? Down the road, Farmer.
Um, to spare Pim some embarrassment, I think she should miss the concert tomorrow night. She'll thank us later.
Ugh, hold the anchovy. I hate those salty little devils.
(Imitating Marla) My stars, It's that heartthrob Phil Diffy!
Come here, shug. You got a big ol' dangler.
Yeah, I know. You know what? I think I've, uh, actually taken care of the Marla situation. I gave her nothing to misinterpret. In fact, I think I've heard the last of ol' Marla.
MMan
(Trumpeting Fanfare) Ahem. Hear ye, hear ye. Be it proclaimed throughout this land, H.G. Wells junior-senior high, that maiden Marla loves squire Phil.
MMan
May their passion be borne on the wings of a thousand doves. This love decree hath ended. Yo, chief, you know where I can grab a cab?
Not a clue. Well, how about that? Marla must have met another guy named Phil.
I don't think so, squire.
Phil? You have to do something. You have to talk to her.
Forget talk. Kick her to the curb.
I have to break up with her? Well, how? I--I...
Don't look at me. I've never broken up with anybody.
Look, It's a snap. You know the guy I'm going out with, Mikey Watson?
Mikey Watson. A.K.A...The luckiest guy in the ninth grade. I've heard of him.
I was gonna cut him loose on Monday anyway, but if this helps...Hey, Mikey! These last few weeks have been huge, but we're done.
I don't know what to do. See, if I tell Marla that I don't like her, then...It'll hurt her feelings.
Son, It's a good thing you came to me. This is what you call a classic father-son moment.
Really? You mean girls had crushes on you when you were growing up?
No, but they did on my old college roommate rex.
Rex, rex...Isn't that the guy mom almost married?
Let's not go there. Anyway, he had so many girls chasing him, he used one of these.
Ah, one of those old-fashioned DNA scramblers.
Yep. I never go anywhere without this thing.
Oh, they're a hoot at parties. I'll make you look so strange, Marla'll be running for the hills.
Hey, remember when I used it on your uncle Milt, made his lips look like a fish?
Yeah, you really lightened up his funeral.
That's what I'm saying, yeah.
Pim...Can I speak to you?
Don't worry. I practiced my gongs all night. My dad said I sounded great right before he left to get a motel room.
Pim, there's no easy way to say this. I rewrote the piece, and we won't be needing your help tonight.
Did Debbie Berwick put you up to this?
Bradley Benjamin Farmer, look me in the eye. Was this Berwick's idea?
She...She may have...Suggested it.
Well, hey, these things happen. Can I see you in this...Dark, dusty closet for a quick sec?
Thank you. Thank you. You're too kind. Thank you. Pim, what are you doing here?
Bradley had an emergency. He ran out of hair gel. Asked me to fill in. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This first piece I will conduct was written a long time ago by a dead guy. I hope you enjoy it.
(Singing) Give my regards to broadway remember me to herald square.
(Singing) Tell all the gang at 42nd street that I will soon be there.
(Singing) Whisper of how I'm yearning to mingle with the old-time throng.
(Singing) Give my regards to old broadway and say that I'll be there I'll be there I'll be there e'er long. (Holding Last Note)
Keely, It's getting out of hand. I either have to marry Marla or leave town.
My mom and her friends are having a cat circus. Don't ask.
Marla says she loves me for what's on the inside. (Scoffs) Does that stink, or what?
Keely, It's not funny and It's not fair. Girls have all these rules, and we're supposed to figure out what they are.
Are you kidding? It's not easy for us, either.
Well, I have absolutely no idea what's going on in Marla's head.
Phil, sure, you do. She thinks you're cute, funny, and sensitive. The problem is she doesn't know what's going on in your head.
What am I supposed to do? Be like Tia and kick her to the curb?
(Sighs) It's probably best just to be yourself. You're cute, funny, and sensitive. You know, guide her to the curb.
