April Ludgate quotes from Parks and Recreation

Yes, we're gonna get a dish rack, and shower curtains, and a cutting board, but if you think for one second that I'm not also gonna get that marshmallow shooter so I can shoot you in the face with marshmallows when you're asleep, then you're the dumbest woman I know.

April

[deeply touched] You're going to make me cry.

View quote →

April

Hey Ron, how's the street parking at your house?

What?

April

Can you handle like 20 cars or a double-decker party bus?

There is no street parking at my house. My house is not even on a street.

April

Do you have space for like a huge circus tent?

[Ann walks in with a big bunch of balloons]

Hey Ron, have you seen... [Ron starts violently popping the balloons with a pen] What!? What the hell!? No!

Well looks like there won't be any balloons for the birthday boy.

These were for a sick child at the hospital!

[The final balloon spins around to reveal "Get Well Soon Tyrone!" is written on it]

...Ah. My office now.

I don't work for you!

Don't care.

View quote →

[Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker]

So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know.

...I did. I broke it.

No. No you didn't. Tom?

Don't look at me. Look at Ben.

What?! I didn't break it.

Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?

Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.

Suspicious.

No it's not!

Jerry

If it matters, probably not, but April was the last one to use it.

April

Liar! I don't even drink that crap!

Jerry

Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?

April

I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that Jerry!

Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it Ron.

No! Who broke it!?

Ron...Donna's been awfully quiet.

Donna

REALLY?!

[Everyone starts arguing]

[being interviewed] I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it. I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick. Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.

View quote →

Hello strange person who I have never met before. Who are you?

April

I'm Janet Snakehole. I'm a very rich widow with a terrible secret. Who are you?

Burt Macklin, FBI. I was the best damn agent they ever had until I was framed for a crime i didn't commit. Stealing the President's...rubies. Now I work alone.

April

Lovely to meet you.

I gotta admit, I thought your costume would be alittle more slutty.

April

[slaps Andy] HOW DARE YOU!? [walks away]

...Nice.

View quote →

Donna

This "Snake Juice" is basically rat poison. Everybody's wasted.

[cuts to a drunk and crying Leslie]

You don't even know one thing, I didn't even say one thing and then she asked me the whole thing and I didn't even do it once!

[cuts to a drunk Tom]

I'm like an elephant, OK? If I walk into a room, it's like OK, he's in there.

[cuts to a drunk Ann]

I'm gonna tell you...That...That bitch over there...I'm...I'm gonna tell..I don't have to...I don't have to brag.

[cuts to a drunk and giggling Ben]

Baba booey.

[cuts to a drunk Andy]

Turn this music down. [singing] Farts and boobs and love and stuff... macaroni salad...

[cuts to a drunk April]

April

[rapidly speaks Spanish]

[cuts to a drunk and laughing Jerry who starts coughing then drinks more Snake Juice]

[cuts to a drunk Ron, who is wearing April's hat and dancing frantically]

View quote →

[Ann walks into her office to find it literally bursting with balloons]

Hey! Ladies and gentlemen for the first time ever at her new part-time job in the health department at City Hall it's Ann Meredith Perkins!

Leslie this is so nice!

April

[popping out of the balloons] I put poisonous gas in one of these balloons so if any of them pops you may die.

[popping out of the balloons] No April, we would all die. Gasses fill the volume of whatever container they're in. [looking at the camera] School.

We have activities every hour on your first day. 10am: Ann's First Day Waffle Explosion. 11am: the Start Paperwork Jamboree. And then twelve noon sharp is the Inaugural Da-ANNce Party.

[popping out of the balloons] Welcome to City Hall cupcake!

How many of you are in here!?

There's seven! And you have an office mate. His name is Stuart and he's kind of a grouch.

I have an office mate?

SStuart

[popping out of the balloons] Get these fucking balloons out of here!

...Hi I'm Ann.

View quote →

Chris

April, you are too valuable to just be Ron's assistant. So from now on, you are a multi-tasking executive aide, assisting the entire office.

April

Is this a nightmare? [hits herself with her pen] April wake up!

View quote →

Sit up straight! You're not doing your breasts any favors.

April

[sits up straight] Thank you.

[walking in] Honey, your breasts look amazing!

View quote →

Basically we are being attacked by Godzilla, and to beat Godzilla, we need Mothra. No offense.

None taken. I'm very flattered. Who's this? [referring to Andy] Who's this tall drink of water?

Andy...

Hey Andy. How's it hanging?

Listen, we need to break Ron from her spell! Can't you just move your butt around or wear a dress made out of meat?

Well I could do all of those things, and have, but that bitch is crazy. When Ron left her and we got together, she threw acid on my foot.

April

Eww!

Could we take a peek at it?

Listen, Tammy One was my Sunday School teacher too. She can pinpoint your weaknesses and then destroy you with just one word...and a jar of acid.

Leslie Oh my God!

I think I have an idea that can save Ron.

April

Andy...

Don't joke around.

I...have ideas too...

View quote →

[Leslie, April and Andy have gone to the farm to get Ron's mom]

Oh. My. God! There's a room full of just guns!

Why do you have so many guns?

This is America isn't it?

Yes...

Then I don't have to answer stupid questions whilst standing on my own property! Let's go!

April

Okay well that's definitely Ron's mom.

View quote →

It's time to settle this.

Ah, an old fashioned prairie drink-off.

[Tammy Zero opens a jug of alcohol]

April

Ugh, what's in that jug? It smells like jet fuel!

That's Swanson family mash liquor. Made from the finest corn ever grown on American soil. Its only legal use is to strip varnish off of speed boats.

If you win, he's all yours, and if I win, I bring him back to the farm for good.

Wait, what? That wasn't the deal!

Pour it. I'm thirsty.

Pour me one too, then. Let me in here! I'm gonna join you and if I win, Ron stays here with us.

Leslie, no, don't drink that. We use it to burn warts off of the mules!

[Leslie and the Tammys take a shot of the liquor]

...POISON! UGH! I made a mistake! I made a mistake!

View quote →

[Leslie is very drunk on Swanson liquor]

Everybody pants now! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants! Pants!

She's had enough. Call it off.

That's not how it works. She's out.

April

Wait, I'm subbing in.

April, no. That stuff will melt the shell off a garden snail.

April

Whatever. I'm Puerto Rican, I can handle it. [April takes a swig of the liquor, but spits it out in disgust] FUCK! OH MY GOD!

Okay! This ends now! [Ron chugs the entire jug of liquor to everyone's amazement in 15 seconds] Mom, you're going back to the farm. And you. [To Tammy One] You're going back to Hell.

Fine. I got what I came for anyway. I found your underground safe. I stole half your gold.

That's decoy gold! Do you think I'd leave my gold in a locked safe buried underground where anyone could find it? You don't know me at all.

Yes I do. I knew you the minute you were born, I intend to be there the minute you die.

[Tammy One walks out]

Ron...your family's weird...

View quote →