April Ludgate quotes from Parks and Recreation

Ron

Got a call from some panicky morning joggers. Apparently sanitation didn't empty this dumpster, to the raccoons delight.

April

I thought raccoons were supposed to be nocturnal.

Ron

Not in this town, sweetheart. In this town, they're 24/7. We can't have raccoons for the Christmas thing. They'll hunt the kids for sport.

Tom

Andy, I have a very interesting business proposal for you. I'm moving a lot of heavy stuff out of my place this weekend...

Andy

[immediately] Can I help you move? I'm really good at it. Afterwards I take the cardboard from the boxes and I use it for breakdancing.

April

I'll go, too.

Tom

Really? 'Cause an hour ago you told me you'd rather watch a sex tape of your grandparents.

Tom

Alright. See you guys later.

Andy

I think that that's really sweet that your grandparents still make love.

Leslie

They only honor women and Ron's the opposite of a woman.

Ron

What's going on?

April

You're umm Pawnee's Woman of the Year it looks like.

Ron

...Well it's about time.

Andy

You're like an angel with no wings.

April

So like a person...

Andy

So if you had to sleep with one of the old guys, who'd it be?

April

The super old one.

Andy

Really?

April

Mm-hm. I'm an eyebrow girl. I want to make out with him and chew his eyebrows off.

I thought I was having this meeting with Ron Swanson.

April

I'm afraid that Ron Swanson's...currently dead.

Oh.

April

I'm his daughter, April Swanson, and it's his last wish that I have this meeting with you.

There's no way this ordinance goes through. There's too much red tape.

April

Mmm. This gridlock drives me nuts.

Tell me about it.

April

Yeah, I think you're gonna have to make an end run, y'know? Go right to the commissioner on this one.

You know what? I haven't thought of that. That is a really great idea.

April

Yeah?

I'm gonna do that.

April

OK. Your last resort is probably gonna be city council.

Good luck there!

April

My thoughts exactly!

April

I have no idea what I was saying.

I had a meeting with Ron Swanson yesterday but I had a little car trouble.

April

Sorry he's busy right now.

Oh Uh...well can I reschedule?

April

Sure. Hmm how about June 50th?

Sorry?

April

Do you think you could come back today at 2:65? He's available then.

What is going on?

April

Looks like the only other day he has open is Marchtember Oneteenth. Does that work sir?

April

I want another nurse.

Ann

Well there are none. We're stretched pretty thin right now.

April

Then I want a janitor. They can do what you do right?

Ann

Yep. Nurses and janitors are totally interchangeable.

April

Except no-one dresses up like a janitor when they wanna be slutty.

April

[reading Andy's "Thank You" note for her grandfather] "Dear April's grandmother." I said grandfather.

Andy

Oh, oops. OK.

April

"You are a beautiful and amazing woman." Man. "I hope someday I can become half the woman you are." He's a man. "Thank you for the $500." It was five dollars. "Enjoy the Mouse Rat CD." He is deaf.

Andy

OK, do you want me to make those changes or is it good?

April

I can get free drinks anytime I want.

Andy

How?

April

Umm I'm a girl in a sleazy club. [turns to the guy sitting next to her] Hey.

Hey.

April

I hate drinking alone.

Can I get you a drink?

April

Sure! [to bartender] Triple whiskey.

What's your name?

April

Oprah!

I'm Kevin.

April

Cool. [gets her whiskey] I kinda want to drink alone.

But-

April

I said I want to drink alone. Thanks. Bye!

April

Here you take this one. I will get myself a martini from that idiot.

April

Hey. Uh six beers for uh table twelve.

Do you work here?

April

Yeah. My dad owns this pace. I'm Janet. Janet Snakehole.

April

Hey, I love you.

Andy

Dude, shut up! That is awesomesauce!

Jerry

[referring to Li'l Sebastian] If they've been missing this long, they're probably dead.

Tom

Well, if he is, you'll be answering to the whole town. And God.

Jerry

For the last time--

April

Jerry, shut up. I can't hear myself not talking to Andy.

Andy

Ron, can you tell me why April is mad at me?

April

Ron, can you tell Andy--

Ron

Andy, she's mad at you because you said 'awesomesauce' instead of 'I love you too.' April, he loves you, stop being a child. Tom, everyone knows you're at fault; blaming Jerry won't save you. Jerry, I know for a fact that you were sucking down funnel cakes when you were supposed to be watching Li'l Sebastian. Now will everyone please apologize to everyone?

Andy

[to April] I do love you, you know.

April

You do?

Andy

Yeah. That's what makes the sauce so awesome.

Would you like to sample our vegan bacon? 100% meatless.

Ron

Yes please.

...

Ron

Another please.

Sir is there a problem?

Ron

I'm just making sure no-one ever has to eat this.

I...I don't think I can give you anymore.

April

I want one.