Scenes with April Ludgate 86
Your campaign advisors quit. Big deal. You're running for city council again, Leslie. With our help.
April April Ludgate. Youth Outreach and Director of New Media.
Tom Haverford. Image Consultant, Swagger Coach.
Ann Perkins. Office Manager and Volunteer Coordinator.
Andy Dwyer. Security, Sweets, Body Man, Javelin, if need be.
Donna Meagle. Transpo', AKA rides in my Benz.
Wh...You guys didn't tell me we were doing this. I did not know I was supposed to come up with something. I...
Ron Swanson. Any other damn thing you might need.
Guys, it's so much work. I can't ask you to put your lives on hold.
Find one person here who you haven't helped by putting your life on hold.
[choked up] I don't know what to say...except let's go win an election!
Ann don't listen to your head or your heart. Just look at my eyes and say yes.
Yes! I believe in you Ann.
And your first job as my campaign manager is to start dressing like one. I don't wanna have this conversation again.
Again? You just hired me eight seconds ago.
April Wow you're doing a really bad job.
[Andy and April Introduce Ben to Champion]
That is a three-legged dog.
His name is Champion cause he's the dog world's champion.
Okay I have to ask this, I'm sorry but how many legs did that dog have when you found him?
Three! That what makes him the best! He can do more with three legs than most dogs can do with four.
April Except for digging! He's really bad a digging.
And we remembered what you said about making decisions in the house. You wanna be involved, we get that. So, you just say the word and Champion goes back to the pound where he can be put down and killed forever.
...I'm not gonna send a three-legged dog to his death.
But I'm also not gonna take care of him for you.
April Well it would be nice if you helped a little. Because unlike you, Andy and I have jobs.
Is there even enough room for everyone?
April Here sit on my lap.
No that's humiliating! Can't I at least sit on Andy's lap?
No that's Champion's spot, he called it.
Tom we're already late. Now be a man and sit on that girl's lap.
Jerry you were in charge of getting a crowd. Please tell me that you pulled a Jerry and no-one's here.
Okay well first of all, I don't like it when you guys use that term. And for the record, I came through. There are almost 100 people out there!
Oh damn it Jerry! You just had to do your job didn't you?!
April Yeah can't you do anything wrong Jerry?
Is everybody feeling good?
April Oh, I don't know Jerry. It's Sunday night, I'm making phone calls to strangers, and you're in my house. My life couldn't be worse.
April Why are you here eating alone?
I'm not. I'm surrounded by friends. Friends I don't know yet. And I'm engrossed in this book. It's the true story of a woman born with no arms and no legs who attempted to swim the English Channel.
April That's impossible.
Oh, she drowned immediately. It's kind of a sad story.
Yes I will be providing several slabs of my world famous Swanson ribs.
April And I will be providing my world famous $100 lap dances!
It's unfortunate but the stakes are too high! We can't just stop campaigning. We stop, we lose!
Good answer, great body! Ann try to beat what he said.
Okay fine! I think you should stop. At least until you apologize to Bobby in person.
April I wasn't listening but I strongly disagree with Ann!
Guess what's in these boxes everybody. What!? Pizza! That's right everybody chill out, take a pizza break! On me! Ellis! What's up my male? Grab a slice of Za bro!
Hey. Dude you play Ultimate!?
Yeah I played intramural at Georgetown.
Dude! So did I! In college!
April Whoa! You guys should get married!
[on the phone] Yeah I love cupcakes.
April [grabs the phone] Ellis hates you. And he has herpes. [hangs up]
April My problem is you Smellis. Ben told you to finish the website and if you don't do it I swear to God I'm gonna murder you in your sleep. I know where you live. 14th Street right? I'm gonna get a melon baller and scoop your eyes out and eat them. And your congressman uncle is gonna have to buy you a dog to drag your eyeless face around! Do you understand that?
April Do it!
April Are you busy? And writing Star Trek fan fiction doesn't count.
Ha. ...And I finished that last week.
Babe how much should I sell this hat for?
April I dunno, eight cents?
Honey! This is the hat I was wearing the first time I heard "Vitalogy" by Pearl Jam.
April Ooh...$900.
Yeah, that sounds about right.
April Alright so does this look familiar?
April I was talking to Joey.
JS Joey's Mom
Oh there you are! Oh God I was so worried! Thank you so much! You'll never know how much I appreciate it!
Well just doin my job ma'am.
J Joey
Thank you for saving me Andy. Thank you too Ms. Hitler.
April Don't worry about it.
[Joey's Mom hurriedly carries him away]
April Wow you made those losers very happy.
April It's been a pleasure serving with you son.
If you ever need me you know where to find me. In bed next to you, probably having sex with you.
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April
