Jean-Ralphio quotes from Parks and Recreation

Jean-Ralphio

One time I waited outside a woman’s house for five days just to show her how serious I was about wanting to drill her. Turns out, it was the wrong house. She loved the story anyway. We got to third base. Over the pants.

Tom

Ronald, I've done it. I've found your assistant and he's dope. His name is Jean-Ralphio. Jean-Ralphio!

Jean-Ralphio

Big T! Mr. Swanson, two things: one, it is an absolute honor to meet you. Two, who is that hot intern chick out there? Because honestly, daaaaaaamn!

Ron

Uh, take a seat.

Jean-Ralphio

Right, here we go.

Ron

So Jean-Ralphio...

Jean-Ralphio

You got him right here. Leave a message after the beep.

Ron

Why do I want you as my assistant?

Jean-Ralphio

For starters, access to the illest clubs. And that's just for starters. I will work for you. I'll be on you 24/7. I'll be like your family. I'm here when you get here in the morning, sure enough, I'll be there tucking you into bed at night. Don't worry, it's not gay. Do we have questions?

Tom

I think our only question is when can you start?

Jean-Ralphio

Right now. Let's do it.

Ron

Thank you for coming in. We will talk.

Jean-Ralphio

Cool. I feel good about this. Hey, you know you can hit me up on Facebook anytime day or night, you know that right?

Tom

Take care, buddy.

Jean-Ralphio

Boom.

Tom

So what do you think of your new assistant?

Ron

I want to punch you in the face so bad right now.

Jean-Ralphio

What up, Big Teeeeeee...stop. This must be the lovely Donna. Enchanté. Listen beautiful, let's cut the bull, alright? You want this. I definitely want this. T.H. wants this. Let's seal this devil's threeway right here, right now. Step one: We buy into this club. Step two: We roll over to the club, either in your Mercedes-Benz, which is gorgeous, or my pre-owned Acura Legend, which is alright. Step three: I dagger you on the dancefloor. Just bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, now all the ladies sayin', bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce. What do you say, sexy?

Donna

I'm out.

Tom

Why?!

Donna

I hate that guy.

Tom

I gotta nail the speech, so I brought in an expert: Jean-Ralphio.

Jean-Ralphio

Can I throw something on you, see if it feels good?

Tom

Sure.

Jean-Ralphio

OK, this is what I would do: I would start with a joke. Joke. Vince Vaughn quote, obviously.

Tom

Swingers or Crashers?

Jean-Ralphio

Fred Claus. Talk about Andy's ex-girlfriends, quote from Love Actually, hold back your tears, pause...drop the microphone, get out of that bitch.

Ann

No offense, but maybe you think I'm going too fast 'cause you're going too slow with Ben!

Leslie

No offense, but I'm going slow 'cause I might lose my job!

Ann

No offense, but maybe that's a little bit of an excuse for not acting on your feelings!

Leslie

No offense, but I don't remember you having a nursing degree in feelings!

Ann

Offense! That's rude! I'm gonna go dance. Douche, you're up!

Mmm-hmm!

Ben

Hey, are you OK? I heard yowling.

Leslie

Yeah, I'm very angry and I'm really drunk. Do you wanna dance with me? Go get me another snork juice.

Ben

Oh, that's maybe not the best idea for you.

Leslie

Forget it! Jean-Ralphio!

Jean-Ralphio

[immediately appears] Yes, I'm here!

Leslie

Dance up on me!

Jean-Ralphio

Yes, yes, yes!

Ron

Is this everybody?

Donna

Ann took a cab, Tom's in the trunk, Jerry's on the roof. Alright, where to first?

Leslie

Your mother's butt!

Jean-Ralphio

I'm so alone...

Donna

If even one of you thinks about dry-heaving in my car your all walking home.

Welcome, Mr. Saperstein.

Jean-Ralphio

Thanks so much!

I will just show you to your cubicle.

Jean-Ralphio

I can't wait. I bet it's a big one, huh Barney?

The temp agency said that you are fluent in QuickBooks Pro, correct?

Jean-Ralphio

Oh right yeah, we should cover that. Y'see, my resume might not actually be accurate, right? So I have no idea what you're talking about. Don't know what QuickBooks are.

You don't have any accounting experience?

Jean-Ralphio

No, no, no, Barney, c'mon. But you don't have to be an accountant to know that this girl is a 10. Yo, what up, Diaz? Come here often?

To my job?

Jean-Ralphio

Oh, sharp mouth on her also. Shut it.

Is this the new temp who's supposed to help me with the spreadsheets?

Jean-Ralphio

You wanna talk about spreading the sheets, we can go back to my place and I will rock your—

You're fired!

Jean-Ralphio

That makes sense. So I just go out the same way I came in?