Gabby, you're not left out of these rock and roll antics, 'cos everybody thinks you're really boring... (audience laughter) but I read in my notes that you went to Steve Cram's New Year's Eve party!
GGabby
(laughs) You're a tosser! (Rhod laughs) At midnight we all ran round the garden, and we timed it. It was just amazing.
Is that where you met your husband?
GGabby
No. Do you think all sports people get together on New Year's Eve at another famous sports person's house and then you marry...?
I read that you met him in a party, and I thought you can't have been to two! It's Kenny Logan, your husband of course, 'cos he thought he was chatting up Gaby Roslin! He did, it's true!
GGabby
Not because he thought I looked like her, he just couldn't believe there were two people called Gabby who managed to get a job on telly, so he just assumed in the dark that I was Gaby Roslin.
When did you break the news to him?
Of...? (audience laughter and applause)
JJeremy
I thought that he put his genitals on a guy's head, cos the guy was a... He was a bouncer at a show, and he was standing in the front, and Marilyn Manson was performing, and he took his pants off and just stuck his wee on the guy's head...
JJeremy
Wee, isn't that what you say? His willy...
Yeah, an entire video game system on the guy's head!
Is that some mythical Welsh creature?
I've got no idea, I'm guessing.
WHAT KIND OF A HOST ARE YOU!?
I don't know, it doesn't say...
How did it get him in trouble then?
Well that's sort of the question I'm asking you lot!
Well, that's no good, is it?
I feel sorry for poor old Vanilla, he always pops up for people to take the mickey out of...
He's not, he's the only popular artist in history whose head is exactly the same width as his neck.
It looks like somebody gave a Pez machine a haircut, doesn't he!
No! And also, you know he did some brilliant threats, Vanilla Ice, like lots of modern day rappers actually threaten to cut you and stuff, he just sort of threatened to cook for you, didn't he. "Quick to the point, to the point no fakin', cooking MCs like a pound of bacon."
A bit of a clue to get the band - you need these to put on glasses.
I'm sorry, you're so Welsh I didn't understand a word of that! What, hands?
Close. Go on, what else do you need to put on glasses?
What do you mean? Ears or hands, there's nothing else you need.
Well let's go through the process... (Phill repeatedly takes off his glasses and puts them back on, emphasizing the elbows)
GGabby
Elbow joints, elbow joints...
I can do, look, hands, arms...
Right, you try it, try it only using your hands and your ears then.
This doesn't work! (Phill raises his arms with his glasses in his hands, not bending his elbows) Because...?
Depth of perception? Alright, so hands, and arms and muscular structure within the body? I hate this quiz! (Phill blows a handheld fan into Greg's face)
Is that a normal size windmill? (Audience laughter and applause. Greg picks up the fan) Come on, what do you need to put your ruddy glasses on, you dick?
This better specifically be something you need to put your glasses on. I'm gonna come over there and twat you I swear to God!
Okay, I'm handing it over...
GGabby
I think it's Elbow.
And you thought Gabby was retarded!
We don't know an Elbow song!
It was One Day Like This, and this is what it should've sounded like...
(The intro to "One Day Like This" by Elbow plays in. Phill slowly raises his arms with his glasses in his hands above his head.)
With guest host Dermot O'Leary and regulars Noel Fielding and Phill Jupitus
With guests Russell Tovey, Michael Ball, Aston Merrygold (JLS) and David O'Doherty
With special guest voiceover Peter Dickson
David, can we talk about your panda book, which contains 100 completely made-up facts about pandas. Were they all made up?
Well you be the judge. If a panda gets struck by lightning, its white hair turns black and its black hair turns white, and they're known as negative pandas, but if it gets struck by lightning a second time it reverts back to its original colours and is called a double-negative panda, or just a panda.
Check this out, Aston fans! When he came on X Factor last year with J-to-the-L-to-the-S...
Check this out, you've turned a little bling! Aston and Marvin, who's the tall good-looking one... (audience laughter)
No, you and Marv. (some audience members go "Awww...") Well, you're the short good-looking one and Marvin's the tall good-looking one! And there's, you know, the other two guys, you know that... (audience, Dermot and Aston laugh) I'm so in trouble for that one! Okay... in August, Aston and Marvin racked up a £6000 bar bill, this is true...
Yes it is, you must have been shit-faced!
AAston
No, well here's the thing right, you gotta think there's me and Marvin, and...
And lots and lots of girls...
And a panda. (audience laughter) I saw you getting driven home by a panda.
Russell once went for a jog with Dustin Hoffman around Central Park in New York.
Yeah, when I lived up in Upper West Side, he lived in this building called the San Reno, which is kinda rock-and-roll. I came out, and he was coming out of the San Reno building, and I kinda went over and I just said "Hey I saw the show last night". He said "What show's that?" I said "The History Boys", he said "Oh yeah, you had a funny line in it, you were the funniest guy in it", I said "Thank you very much!" And then we kind of went, like, running for a bit...
Hang on a minute, how did that happen?
He was in jogging attire, heading to Central Park...
Did you run after him? You were stalking him, and he went "oh, erm, look..."
Did you dress up as a dentist and just follow him, going "is it safe? Is it safe?" (makes a noise like a dentists drill)
Michael Ball facts - check this out! You played Edna in Hairspray, you won the 2008 Laurence Olivier Award for Best Actor in a Musical...
MMichael
Phill is doing it!
Yep, yep... (at the time, Phill alternated with Brian Conley in the role of Edna Turnblad in the West End production of Hairspray)
I went to see Phill in Hairspray on Saturday, and he makes a pretty good woman, I have to say!
I make such a good woman I actually work the streets of Soho for two hours after the show!
Phill and Michael, here are your tunes for Russell... (gives the envelope to Michael) now before we go any further, if you two could just stand up... (Dermot walks towards Phill and Michael as they stand up) Okay, and that's Camera 1 over there, so I want you to turn to each other... (they do) And on my count of three, if you could look at Camera 1 in your best smouldering way, alright?
Yep. In three, two, one...
PPeter
PHILL JUPITUS AND MICHAEL BALL!
(Phill and Michael stare at the camera while standing toe to toe while the audience applauds and cheers)
You two are what I imagine John and Edward to be like in thirty years!
(Phill and Michael start acting like an older version of Jedward and start singing Ghostbusters in the style of Jedward. Audience laughter and applause)
(bad Irish accent) Which one am I?
MMichael
(bad Irish accent) The other one!
(to camera) For viewers watching in Ireland, I was nothing to do with that Irish impersonation!
With guest host David Tennant and regulars Noel Fielding and Phill Jupitus
With guests Bernard Cribbins, Catherine Tate, Jamie Cullum and Jo Whiley
With special guest voiceover Peter Dickson
