With guest host Dermot O'Leary and regulars Noel Fielding and Phill Jupitus
With guests Russell Tovey, Michael Ball, Aston Merrygold (JLS) and David O'Doherty
With special guest voiceover Peter Dickson
David, can we talk about your panda book, which contains 100 completely made-up facts about pandas. Were they all made up?
Well you be the judge. If a panda gets struck by lightning, its white hair turns black and its black hair turns white, and they're known as negative pandas, but if it gets struck by lightning a second time it reverts back to its original colours and is called a double-negative panda, or just a panda.
That's true!
Check this out, Aston fans! When he came on X Factor last year with J-to-the-L-to-the-S...
Was a panda!
Check this out, you've turned a little bling! Aston and Marvin, who's the tall good-looking one... (audience laughter)
AAston
What, me?
No, you and Marv. (some audience members go "Awww...") Well, you're the short good-looking one and Marvin's the tall good-looking one! And there's, you know, the other two guys, you know that... (audience, Dermot and Aston laugh) I'm so in trouble for that one! Okay... in August, Aston and Marvin racked up a £6000 bar bill, this is true...
AAston
Noo...
Yes it is, you must have been shit-faced!
AAston
No, well here's the thing right, you gotta think there's me and Marvin, and...
And lots and lots of girls...
And a panda. (audience laughter) I saw you getting driven home by a panda.
Russell once went for a jog with Dustin Hoffman around Central Park in New York.
Yeah, when I lived up in Upper West Side, he lived in this building called the San Reno, which is kinda rock-and-roll. I came out, and he was coming out of the San Reno building, and I kinda went over and I just said "Hey I saw the show last night". He said "What show's that?" I said "The History Boys", he said "Oh yeah, you had a funny line in it, you were the funniest guy in it", I said "Thank you very much!" And then we kind of went, like, running for a bit...
Hang on a minute, how did that happen?
He was in jogging attire, heading to Central Park...
Did you run after him? You were stalking him, and he went "oh, erm, look..."
Yeah, just hung outside!
Did you dress up as a dentist and just follow him, going "is it safe? Is it safe?" (makes a noise like a dentists drill)
Michael Ball facts - check this out! You played Edna in Hairspray, you won the 2008 Laurence Olivier Award for Best Actor in a Musical...
MMichael
Phill is doing it!
Yep, yep... (at the time, Phill alternated with Brian Conley in the role of Edna Turnblad in the West End production of Hairspray)
I went to see Phill in Hairspray on Saturday, and he makes a pretty good woman, I have to say!
I make such a good woman I actually work the streets of Soho for two hours after the show!
Phill and Michael, here are your tunes for Russell... (gives the envelope to Michael) now before we go any further, if you two could just stand up... (Dermot walks towards Phill and Michael as they stand up) Okay, and that's Camera 1 over there, so I want you to turn to each other... (they do) And on my count of three, if you could look at Camera 1 in your best smouldering way, alright?
MMichael
Smoulder?
Yep. In three, two, one...
PPeter
PHILL JUPITUS AND MICHAEL BALL!
(Phill and Michael stare at the camera while standing toe to toe while the audience applauds and cheers)
Now you can begin.
You two are what I imagine John and Edward to be like in thirty years!
(Phill and Michael start acting like an older version of Jedward and start singing Ghostbusters in the style of Jedward. Audience laughter and applause)
(bad Irish accent) Which one am I?
MMichael
(bad Irish accent) The other one!
(to camera) For viewers watching in Ireland, I was nothing to do with that Irish impersonation!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Never Mind the Buzzcocks pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.