With guest host Rhod Gilbert and regulars Noel Fielding and Phill Jupitus
With guests Greg Davies, Martin Kemp, Jeremy Reynolds (Hockey), and Gabby Logan
Hello, and welcome to Never Mind the Buzzcocks! I am Rhod Gilbert, Wales' answer to the question "Oi, Wales, who's that comedian of yours - no, not Rob Brydon - the other one who keeps trying to convince us to visit your shitty country?"
GGreg
Last time I went home to visit my mum, for some strange reason we ended up watching a Marilyn Manson video together, and at the end of it after hed been screaming with his wonky eye and stuff and it sort of faded out, there was just this awkward silence, and she turned to me and went... (tuts) "what a wally!"
Gabby, you're not left out of these rock and roll antics, 'cos everybody thinks you're really boring... (audience laughter) but I read in my notes that you went to Steve Cram's New Year's Eve party!
GGabby
(laughs) You're a tosser! (Rhod laughs) At midnight we all ran round the garden, and we timed it. It was just amazing.
Is that where you met your husband?
GGabby
No. Do you think all sports people get together on New Year's Eve at another famous sports person's house and then you marry...?
Pretty much.
I read that you met him in a party, and I thought you can't have been to two! It's Kenny Logan, your husband of course, 'cos he thought he was chatting up Gaby Roslin! He did, it's true!
GGabby
Not because he thought I looked like her, he just couldn't believe there were two people called Gabby who managed to get a job on telly, so he just assumed in the dark that I was Gaby Roslin.
When did you break the news to him?
GGabby
Within minutes.
Of...? (audience laughter and applause)
JJeremy
I thought that he put his genitals on a guy's head, cos the guy was a... He was a bouncer at a show, and he was standing in the front, and Marilyn Manson was performing, and he took his pants off and just stuck his wee on the guy's head...
Stuck his what?
JJeremy
Wee, isn't that what you say? His willy...
Yeah, an entire video game system on the guy's head!
Excuse me?
A wallaroo and a goat...
Is that some mythical Welsh creature?
I've got no idea, I'm guessing.
WHAT KIND OF A HOST ARE YOU!?
I don't know, it doesn't say...
How did it get him in trouble then?
Well that's sort of the question I'm asking you lot!
Well, that's no good, is it?
GGreg
I feel sorry for poor old Vanilla, he always pops up for people to take the mickey out of...
Because he was rubbish!
GGreg
He's not, he's the only popular artist in history whose head is exactly the same width as his neck.
It looks like somebody gave a Pez machine a haircut, doesn't he!
GGreg
I thought he was great.
Really?
GGreg
No! And also, you know he did some brilliant threats, Vanilla Ice, like lots of modern day rappers actually threaten to cut you and stuff, he just sort of threatened to cook for you, didn't he. "Quick to the point, to the point no fakin', cooking MCs like a pound of bacon."
Vanilla Ice appeared on the reality show The Farm in 2003. When asked why he agreed to do the show he said "well, I looked at my diary and saw there was a gap between June 1992 and my passing unnoticed into a crematorium oven." Vanilla Ice found fame difficult. We can relate to that - one minute you're a star on one of Britain's best loved soaps, the next you're sitting on a panel show with a teammate who looks like the bloated corpse of Rik Mayall!
A bit of a clue to get the band - you need these to put on glasses.
GGreg
I'm sorry, you're so Welsh I didn't understand a word of that! What, hands?
No, close...
GGreg
Ears...
Close. Go on, what else do you need to put on glasses?
GGreg
What do you mean? Ears or hands, there's nothing else you need.
Yes there is!
GGreg
Well let's go through the process... (Phill repeatedly takes off his glasses and puts them back on, emphasizing the elbows)
GGabby
Elbow joints, elbow joints...
GGreg
I can do, look, hands, arms...
Right, you try it, try it only using your hands and your ears then.
This doesn't work! (Phill raises his arms with his glasses in his hands, not bending his elbows) Because...?
GGreg
Depth of perception? Alright, so hands, and arms and muscular structure within the body? I hate this quiz! (Phill blows a handheld fan into Greg's face)
Is that a normal size windmill? (Audience laughter and applause. Greg picks up the fan) Come on, what do you need to put your ruddy glasses on, you dick?
GGreg
This better specifically be something you need to put your glasses on. I'm gonna come over there and twat you I swear to God!
Okay, I'm handing it over...
GGabby
I think it's Elbow.
It is Elbow...
GGreg
(incredulously) What!?
And you thought Gabby was retarded!
Title of the track?
Just name an Elbow song.
We don't know an Elbow song!
It was One Day Like This, and this is what it should've sounded like...
(The intro to "One Day Like This" by Elbow plays in. Phill slowly raises his arms with his glasses in his hands above his head.)
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Never Mind the Buzzcocks pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.