Never Mind the Buzzcocks quotes

Simon

Bob Geldof, I understand, has lobbied the government about nuclear waste, Midge.

Has he? Sir Bob Geldof?

Simon

Sir Bib Geldof, yes. What do you think we should do about the environment, Midge?

Give me a bloody knighthood and I'll tell you!

Simon

I don't think it works that way round, Midge! The Magic Numbers [Points to Romeo] were not on Live 8, Band 20... What was it called?

Oh, the record?

Simon

Why was this?

I've got no idea!

Simon

You were there! Didn't you produce the song?

No I was the executive producer which meant that I let someone else do all the work and I took all the credit!

Simon

Didn't Bob take all the credit?

Bob is...Bob is like a death eater from Harry Potter. "It's mine!"

Simon

That's what tonight is all about...having a wonderful time.

Yeah, let's not be negative.

Simon

I like everything...Do...D'you know everything? Well, I like it...You know all books? I like them all!

That was lovely. That was like two really jolly farmers singing at me ... Like you've just grown some excellent marrows and you're like, [He puts on a Cornish accent] "Let's turn up 'round Howard's house and sing him a little ditty...". [He pretends to open a door] You all right, lads?

Hello there!

[Holding pretend vegetables] Look at the size of them buggers!

Simon

In 1995, Sade performed at Live Aid, and said that afterward, she didn't get to meet any of the stars...she just sat in the green room with Midge Ure.

Simon

Stay where you are, Midge!

Wanker.

Simon

Yeah...good point.

It's a youthful combo.

Youthful Combo..?

Simon

From Liverpool.

With a saxophone.

Phill

Called The Zutons.

Simon

How old are you, Nick?

Seventeen.

Simon

Seventeen, wow. You're really ruining my "I'm the young guy" thing here. Normally I get away with being the young person, being under thirty-five and able to name the Sugababes. Tonight I feel that Phill has seen what a real young person is and is going to stop loving me...I feel like Rudy from the Cosby show when she got old and grew a mustache.

Simon

I do not want you to worry about this, Nicholas Hoult. This does not affect anything in your life. We are just having fun.

I just want to go home...

Simon

Don't you move!

Doing that and writing "boobless" on your calculator...great days

Yeah, saving your scabs in a little matchbox...ah, posting them to your pen pal...

Ha! Pasting them to your pen pal..."Dear, dear Gunther...I thought you'd enjoy these!"

"Ici, mon scabs!"

[Putting on a drawling accent] "Dear Bill, thank you for your scabs...next time a pube or two...Yours, Renoir...mmmmmmmmmmmm."

"Chèr Renoir, I am terminating this correspondence...it's gone a bit weird."

Phill

Why's it like sunglasses, skiing, sunglasses, sunglasses, the MOON!

Phill

You see, this is the seat that Preston left, this is the seat that Lemmy left the show, admittedly at the re-takes... we should just call it the 'Ejector seat'

Simon

[Thoughtfully] We should maybe get some sort of seatbelt...

Simon

The Faders were a female Busted. Very good, I interviewed them, I enjoyed them very much. Didn't do too well, shame.

There's something about you and interviewing.

Simon

Meanwhile, Peaches Geldof...pretty big news...

Simon

Thank you all for staying to the end...and as a reward, everyone gets a lolly!

Simon

I think E17 were a bit like car thieves...I think Five could have killed.

They only way you could injure yourself with peanut butter is if you were wanking with it.

Phill

Yeah, but only if you use crunchy....

I've tried both and believe me, it happens with both.

Simon

What are you talking about, Robin Hood?

Phill

I actually like it with jam...peanut butter, not wanking.

Out in the forest we didn't have peanut butter so we used, like, rabbit skin...

Phill

Is this a more adult Robin Hood?

Robin of Hollyoaks...after dark.

Simon

"Where's Friar Tuck?", "He's screwing a tree."