[After a particularly bad joke]
If you'd like to write jokes for the show, all you need is a crayon.
S2020x03
EBEd Byrne
Can we get the Paris Hilton look-alike something to suck on so she looks more convincing?
I've never met anyone from the public before!
So yeah, so who, uh...not who...how many...not, not that either...uh...
You've fallen to bits since you lost Preston.
[Reading an intro] "Call me, call me anytime..."?
Your call may be recorded for staff training purposes.
[Simon gives Fyfe the lever arch file]
FFyfe
It's not the best comedy prop, really, is it?
Oh, I dunno, it's got two good laughs.
BBill
It's still here...
[Simon hugs Preston's fill-in]
Thank God for you!!
S2020x04
With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus
With guests Nicholas Hoult, Midge Ure, Romeo Stodart, Russell Howard
[Opening the show, with a reference to Preston walking out in the previous show and some of the comments Preston made to the press about his treatment on the show]
Hello, and welcome to "budget, late-night indie-show" Never Mind the Buzzcocks. I'm "bitter, snotty-faced little public schoolboy" Simon Amstell, and I'd like to begin with an apology. On last week's show I upset Preston from Preston and Chantelle. I realise now they are better than me. Preston is a wonderful singer and Chantelle invented the popular saying "Oh my God!" I was unfair in my representation of Chantelle's book. It's not bad, there are some really interesting bits. (Pulls out Chantelle's book and starts to read from it) "Suddenly..." Okay! (Puts book down again) I hope we can all move on now!
Oooohhh, Vienna! And being Scottish it really does mean nothing to me! Phil's first guest is legendary Band Aid co-creator and former Ultravox frontman Midge Ure. Midge is also known for being the best mate of Sir Bob Geldof... and for his cheeky catchphrase "Where's my sodding knighthood?"
[Following from last show where Preston walked out]
I mean, I don't want to go on about it...but if people start turning their backs on comedy and walking off panel shows...then the terrorists have won.
[About a Billy Idol video]
BBill
There's a fantastic shot of a toaster that seems, uh...it's actually, it's the very rare, the genie of the toaster. It's uh, rub it three times: "I am the genie of the toaster! You have three wishes...providing they are of a...toast...based...nature..."...
BBill
Can I just ask...They get a serious question about politics, we get "Who pissed themselves?". "Who wee'd?", "Who weed, Bill. You simpleton from the woods. With your simple friends that you collected in a glade out in the woods"...They get, "Oh, who lobbied the government blah blah", a serious question for the proper people who've done charity and are all proper, but the monkey boys over here get "Who weed!". You snotty nosed, public school boy...
All right, what do you think we should do about nuclear waste?
BBill
I dunno, I don't care.
When I was younger, we didn't have to have drugs..
You had Ferrero Rocher didn't you?
[About Simon]
[In a posh voice] Hey lads, take your snuff, let's stay up till nine. You should ride to the studio on a swan next week.
I bloody would if the asylum seekers hadn't eaten them all.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Never Mind the Buzzcocks pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.