Never Mind the Buzzcocks quotes

Simon

I watched Blue Peter once when I was a kid, I think it was about morris dancing and making some...nonsense...

Oh yeah?

Simon

Turned me onto glue.

[To Nerina] You can slag off anyone you like, with impunity. I'll start us off. Right: D'you hear this, right, the other day, Chris de Burgh on Loose Ends, he slagged me off. Ned goes "Blah blah blah, heard about that Bill Bailey?" in his way, and he goes "Yes. I've heard he's very ugly. And he hasn't got much hair."

Phill

Is that all that the troll had to work with?

That is all the-

Phill

Mono-brow freak monster.

Yeah. Mono-browed, nanny-shagging, toss-monger!!...Who has inflicted...his sentimental mewlings on a reluctant nation!!...[To Nerina] There you go, on you go.

Simon

I should explain to home viewers...this show was recorded in November and we've been assured that Nerina, by now, is famous.

It was groovy but it was a bit fast.

It was a bit fast, oh okay. Let's take it down. Let's lay it down. Let's take some juice out of the old mango.

Phill

Can I just say, I saw a flash in the eye of number two...so let's watch what happens.

Simon

Do you just want to pick number two?

Phill

No. We picked number four...but I'm watching number two.

You'd appreciate this, number two's quite cute, isn't he?

Simon

Yes, I would because I...am a homosexual.

No but, you'd...they won't know but he's quite nice, isn't he?

What d'you mean we won't know? We don't have to, you know, go over into the paddock to ride the horses.

Simon

Hello there and welcome to Never Mind the Buzzcocks. Well, the world is still at war with itself. There seems to be no end to poverty and hunger. No cure for cancer or AIDS. And that's not to mention the ecological apocalypse we're facing. I don't know about you...but I'm in the mood for a bloody good pop quiz!

Simon

I should explain...Donny is a punk. Just in case anyone didn't know!

Ah, it's 'cause I'm not wearing the mohican...that you might not understand.

Right, it's more inside. It's a philosophy.

It's like, it's like a spike inside your gut.

Yeah, it's like a mohican on your pancreas, man!

D'you know what, just 'cause you haven't got the hair to pull it off, it doesn't mean that you can't be it.

No, man. I'm wearing my mohican, like, on the back of my head. Fuck everything! See? Fuck things! Fuck everything! See, pencils! See? [He picks one up and snaps it] Fuck it!

Simon

Down with Thatcher!

Simon

[To Donny] I'm sensing you're going to be a peculiar nuisance this evening...

Noel

They said that they were Boosh fans to us. And they wanted some T-shirts. They were going to wear them on Top Of The Pops. And we didn't have any T-shirts, so I hand painted some...and I was supposed to meet their tour manager at, like, three in the morning in Camden. So I'm standing there on my own with hand painted T-shirts...and he didn't turn up! He just fell asleep! So, they didn't get any T-shirts-

How long were you there for?

Noel

Oh...four minutes.

Simon

There's a DJ Spoony on Radio One..

There is...who's the last one on at night?

Phill

Westwood.

Go to bed with Westwood, wake up with Moyles!

Bill Bailey

Waking up with Moyles? Ugh!

Noel

He's no spoon, is he?

No.

Noel

He's a shovel!

Simon

Hello...Donny's put sunglasses on. That'll tell Thatcher!

D'you want a go?

And now what you need to do is give it a little bit of that. [Makes strange gesture]

Simon

: [Does the gesture] And now I'm cool...

You know you'd be quite happy at home on the streets

Yeah...

Though not that many people'd take pity on you...'cause you're pretty ugly.

Oooh!

Simon

[To Donny] I should explain: Bill is a professional comedian... [Pause as Simon tries to contain his amusement at Donny's stupidity] you won't win!

Oh for fuck's sake...not very sharp are you?

Simon

Yeah, it was definitely their fault.