With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus
With guests Philip Olivier, Donny Tourette, Alfie Jackson, Noel Fielding
Hello there and welcome to Never Mind the Buzzcocks. Well, the world is still at war with itself. There seems to be no end to poverty and hunger. No cure for cancer or AIDS. And that's not to mention the ecological apocalypse we're facing. I don't know about you...but I'm in the mood for a bloody good pop quiz!
I should explain...Donny is a punk. Just in case anyone didn't know!
Ah, it's 'cause I'm not wearing the mohican...that you might not understand.
BBill
Right, it's more inside. It's a philosophy.
It's like, it's like a spike inside your gut.
BBill
Yeah, it's like a mohican on your pancreas, man!
D'you know what, just 'cause you haven't got the hair to pull it off, it doesn't mean that you can't be it.
BBill
No, man. I'm wearing my mohican, like, on the back of my head. Fuck everything! See? Fuck things! Fuck everything! See, pencils! See? [He picks one up and snaps it] Fuck it!
Down with Thatcher!
[To Donny] I'm sensing you're going to be a peculiar nuisance this evening...
[About The Kooks]
They said that they were Boosh fans to us. And they wanted some T-shirts. They were going to wear them on Top Of The Pops. And we didn't have any T-shirts, so I hand painted some...and I was supposed to meet their tour manager at, like, three in the morning in Camden. So I'm standing there on my own with hand painted T-shirts...and he didn't turn up! He just fell asleep! So, they didn't get any T-shirts-
AAlfie
How long were you there for?
Oh...four minutes.
[Talking about spooning]
There's a DJ Spoony on Radio One..
AAlfie
There is...who's the last one on at night?
Westwood.
AAlfie
Go to bed with Westwood, wake up with Moyles!
Waking up with Moyles? Ugh!
He's no spoon, is he?
BBill
No.
He's a shovel!
Hello...Donny's put sunglasses on. That'll tell Thatcher!
D'you want a go?
[Simon puts the glasses on]
And now what you need to do is give it a little bit of that. [Makes strange gesture]
: [Does the gesture] And now I'm cool...
You know you'd be quite happy at home on the streets
BBill
Yeah...
Though not that many people'd take pity on you...'cause you're pretty ugly.
BBill
Oooh!
[To Donny] I should explain: Bill is a professional comedian... [Pause as Simon tries to contain his amusement at Donny's stupidity] you won't win!
[Donny tells a bad joke and the audience groans]
Oh for fuck's sake...not very sharp are you?
Yeah, it was definitely their fault.
[After watching a video of Donny shouting]
PPhillip
I like the way that you had all that aggression, and then at the end you just sat down and crossed your legs...
I don't understand. Did he suggest that you couldn't dick on the Sex Pistols? I think, I think you can dick on them.
Well, I've got a dick...I'm here...
He has got a dick and he's here...I think that's the best we can hope for tonight.
[to Philip] By the way, I watched that Hollyoaks: In the City last night, and it was incredible! Imagine Hollyoaks... but EVEN WORSE! You were the best actor in it though...
PPhilip
Thank you.
...which is almost a compliment.
PPhilip
Thank you again!
I watched it last night, and I thought "no problem, you're on the show" I'll watch it, half an hour, fine... LASTS AN HOUR! I'm sat there, I'll never get that time back again!
Have you got an answer?
You know what, I'm gonna take his answer. I don't know what it'll be, but none of us do!
I can't even remember the question.
Why did Prince end up in court over some purple paint? Your best guess, now!
....Because his helmet turned blue?
Because, Simon... his helmet turned blue. Bring in the points, bitch! In the bag.
His helmet turned blue. [turns to camera, deliberately] You're wrong.
The only reason I'm on the show is 'cause you told everyone you fancied me, dude!
It's not, it's 'cause we have difficulty booking people.
[Simon is showing Philip's calendar full of risqué shots]
Are you at all upset, you know, when you saw the calendar...it was just pictures and none of your teachings?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Never Mind the Buzzcocks pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.