[After playing medieval instruments]
I've never played things like that before.
Instruments.
S1919x07
So I was in the cinema two weeks ago. Chris Martin from Coldplay walks past me and says, "Hey, you're a cool guy". I said, [In a high pitched voice] "You're cool!"... I felt like he was going to turn around and say, "I've misjudged you...".
I forgot to say, as it's a Christmas special, for every song you don't get right, an orphan gets beaten. Merry Christmas!
[lighting a Menorah] I'm just lighting candles for the baby Jesus.
[mocking] Your people killed him.
[Laughter]
I don't mean your mum and dad, I mean, because that would be terrible and I would think they would have told you by now.
I have no regrets, he deserved it.
Merry Christmas everybody!
I have no clue what you've been playing.
Drum.
SASimon Amstell
I forgot to tell you we've had a letter in the Daily Express! I'm very proud of this: "Why are so many BBC comedies unwatchable? Catherine Tate is full of swearing, and Never Mind The Buzzcocks contains gay filth!"
[Audience cheers]
[Bill and Phill shake Simon's hand]
Well, done. Congratulations.
BBill
Congratulations on the gay filth!
Come on people, it's fucking Christmas!
[About Jamelia]
There seemed to be slight disbelief when I said she went to hospital for laughing to much. People were thinking, "On this show?!" Yes, on this show! I'll give you all hernias!
You've heard what the other Jew...you've heard what the other Jew...You've heard what the Jew said! Ah, dear. You've heard what the other two judges said...
From all of us here, whichever religion you are, remember, only one can be right, so...let's have a war! Happy Christmas!
[On Surnames]
BBill
Are you an actually an actual Falconer?
Yes.
BBill
Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Falconer, Faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaauuulll! FalcoFalcoFalcoFalcoFalcoFalco! Faaaaaaaaauuuulll! Hawks an, Hawks an, Hawks an, Hawks an, Hawks an, Falcons, Hawks and Falcons, Eagles, Eagles, Hawks and Falcons...Owls!
S2020x01
With regulars Simon Amstell, Bill Bailey, Phill Jupitus
With guests Matt Baker, Alan Davies, Nerina Pallot, Chris Peck (Boy Kill Boy)
[About Pink]
AAlan
She's in a basque that's unconnected.
She's wearing underwear as outerwear.
I still think she looks like Kiefer Sutherland in Lost Boys.
What are you saying Davies, the questions are too easy!?
AAlan
Yes.
This show isn't so highbrow, but we like to say "Ohh, Robbie Williams is a tit!" That's what people like!
AAlan
He's not a tit, he's quite nice.
Robbie Williams?
AAlan
Yeah.
Oh, oh, you lose a point!
Was there ever any lewd behavior on Blue Peter?
BBill
Yeah, did it ever get blue?
MMatt
Uh...well actually I tell you what, I ended up in a sauna once being whipped by the bus driver with some birch twigs...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Never Mind the Buzzcocks pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.