Michael Ball facts - check this out! You played Edna in Hairspray, you won the 2008 Laurence Olivier Award for Best Actor in a Musical...
MMichael
Phill is doing it!
Yep, yep... (at the time, Phill alternated with Brian Conley in the role of Edna Turnblad in the West End production of Hairspray)
NoelI went to see Phill in Hairspray on Saturday, and he makes a pretty good woman, I have to say!
I make such a good woman I actually work the streets of Soho for two hours after the show!
Phill and Michael, here are your tunes for Russell... (gives the envelope to Michael) now before we go any further, if you two could just stand up... (Dermot walks towards Phill and Michael as they stand up) Okay, and that's Camera 1 over there, so I want you to turn to each other... (they do) And on my count of three, if you could look at Camera 1 in your best smouldering way, alright?
Yep. In three, two, one...
PPeter
PHILL JUPITUS AND MICHAEL BALL!
(Phill and Michael stare at the camera while standing toe to toe while the audience applauds and cheers)
Noel
You two are what I imagine John and Edward to be like in thirty years!
(Phill and Michael start acting like an older version of Jedward and start singing Ghostbusters in the style of Jedward. Audience laughter and applause)
(bad Irish accent) Which one am I?
MMichael
(bad Irish accent) The other one!
(to camera) For viewers watching in Ireland, I was nothing to do with that Irish impersonation!
(Phill and James do their first intro - "Fools Gold")
You know something, I know who it is, I clearly know the song and I don't know the name of this Stone Roses classic, and everyone in Manchester is like (in a Mancunian accent with appropriate hand gestures) "What a fuckin' wanker! That's why we should 'ave 'im on the telly up 'ere, so then it makes EastEnders look like fuckin' Shameless!" (in his normal voice, rolling his eyes, sneering at the camera) Well that would be good for a week. Er... Oh, "Fools Gold", no? "Fools Gold"!
Do you know? You're absolutely right! (audience applause) Here is how it should have sounded. (Fools Gold plays in)
Noel
You got that right, but you can never gig up north again!
(makes a mocking crying gesture to camera) There's a group of people looking at me going (in a Mancunian accent) "But 'e's not talkin' about things at the end of my road!" (in his normal voice) If you like that, go and watch Peter Kay, he's brilliant at remembering!
(Noel and Imelda prepare for their Intros round.)
Noel
You don't have to ride me like a greyhound, it's fine.
I'll sing your bit, then we stop it. We go (does a few notes)...
Noel
That's like when you give a really small child a simple task. "You can't cook dinner with me, but if you hold this wooden spoon..." (imitates a child holding it, mouth wide open) "...then we can say we cooked it together." (imitates the child again)
(In Identity Parade, Noel's team have to identify Cheryl Baker of Bucks Fizz. The lineup are all wearing joke glasses with fake noses and moustaches)
That was Bucks Fizz with Making Your Mind Up;, so Noel's team, which of our lineup is the singer Cheryl Baker? Is it number one, Making Your Mind Up? Or number two, I've Made Me Mind Up? Number three, I Definitely Know Who It Is? Number four, I'm Having Second Thoughts? Or number five, Oh No It's Number Two? (Number two - the real Cheryl Baker - laughs)
Did you see? Two's laughing, it's number two, she's laughing.
What do you mean "it's number two, she's laughing"? You mean the one who looks like exactly like Cheryl Baker!?
Noel
Look, you can't see what we can see, it's like transsexual Frank Zappas, it's terrifying!
People that haven't got HDTV look at the whole lineup and think The Nolans are back together.
I think it's number two...
(shouting) WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU THINK IT'S NUMBER TWO!? IT'S NUMBER TWO! THE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE CHERYL BAKER, THAT IN HIS INTRODUCTION TERRY SAID IT WAS!
Noel
Whoa, whoa, wait a sec Terry! Easy!
You know, we wanna make sure...
Noel
I've got the authority of a seven year old girl! This is ridiculous! Edith's useless, (to Imelda) you're dressed as a ladybird, (to Terry) it's number two!
Number two... Will the real Cheryl Baker please step forward? (Cheryl Baker - number two - steps forward and takes off her fake glasses to cheers and applause) It's number two! Now touring with The Original Bucks Fizz, Cheryl Baker, ladies and gentlemen, Cheryl.
(during a playing of Next Lines)
(as David Bowie) It's "jamming good with Weird and Gilly".
You got it right, Edith! My goodness. Fantastic. It was "jamming good with Weird and Gilly", from David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust... the loveable... chap that he is...
Was it really that bad an interview, Terry? Come on, tell us.
What did he do, Terry? Show us on the puppet what David Bowie did to you. (laughter)
(to Phill) Sometimes you want to know a little bit too much. (Phill laughs) "He's the devil divine, I'm so glad that he's mine..."
(as Bowie) I don't know this one! (laughter)
"...'cause he's my big, bad, handsome man."
Yeah, of course. That's one of yours, Imelda.
...
"You're answering questions that have not yet been asked..."
Noel
(as Bowie) ...it was a shit interview, Terry! (laughter) Afterwards, you called me a prick! (laughter and applause as the end-of-round jingle plays)
Never Mind the Buzzcocks · 480 quotes
