Simon quotes from Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Simon

Does this.. sort of thing need to be in our living rooms? Does it? Really..?

Can you tell me what the #1 STI is, Simon?

Simon

Umm..

Have you been checked?

Simon

Have I been checked?

Yeah.

Simon

As an employee of the BBC... (laughter) There is no need for me to be checked because I've never..had sex.

To be honest, in that outfit, I can see why. (Simon is wearing a bunny suit)

Simon

If this doesn't get me laid then I don't know what will. I'm adorable!

Simon

Stine, I'm so warm.

Are you? [laughs] Well get out of your..weird bunny suit then.

Simon

Why don't you get out of your weird bunny suit?

But I'm not wearing a bunny suit.

Simon

Your mum's a bunny suit.

Simon

Would you do other shows than this.. what about CelebArmy?

Only if I could kick arse.

Simon

That would be nice, wouldn't it? You'd go to Afghanistan with Chico.

Yeap yeah!

Simon

What time is it? It's War Time.

Kylie's looking quite hot for me. What do you think, Jack?

Yeah definitely.

Simon

NOO! Not lesbianism!

Doesn't have to be lesbianism.

[rolls his eyes]

Simon

People just didn't like the idea of you having sex there. Now why's that?

Um..-

Simon

Are you a grumpy lover?

Yeah must be. OK then. Well, [grumpily] 'I hope you liked it'.

[trying to solve the line-up question then looks at Anna]

Don't blame it on me if it's wrong.

Simon

Don't pick up anything from Anna.

Simon

Does he wash up?

Never wash up.

Simon

Correct. Alesha Dixon, "The Boy Does Nothing". Does he clean up?

No, he never cleans up.

Simon

Correct. Alesha Dixon, "The Boy Does Nothing". Does he brush up?

Never brushed up.

Simon

Correct. Alesha Dixon, "The Boy Does Nothing".

Simon

What are you talking about? Do you do it all in that funny voice just to wind up the contestants?

I've got a minute and a half to think of what I'm going to say, and then it all just comes burbling out.

Simon

It's wonderful.

Just.. anything that I read in the newspaper that morning that might have--

Simon

It's nice that you keep it topical. "Your dancing was like terrorism."

Simon

You were famously very mean to that John Sergeant fellow recently.

No, not as mean as I was made out to be.

Simon

You called him... a dancing pig?

No, I didn't!

Simon

You called him a steaming turdface.

No! Not that either.

Simon

You said "We should cut his arms and legs off and put him in a box."

Simon

Keith, what do you prefer, Strictly Come Dancing or the X Factor? Do you prefer the one where the mentally ill people get to sing, or the one where the mentally ill people get to judge?

I haven't the foggiest idea what any of you are talking about.

You know, everything you say to me, it seems like it's very sarcastic.

Simon

What? What do you..? No!

Am I right, D, am I right? Tell me the truth.

He has... elements of sarcasm about him, but I believe, when he's congratulating you about the MoBo and the gold disc, he actually means it.

Simon

I mean it. Yeah.

Thank you, Simon. Thank you.

Simon

One day I'll get good at that sincerity, and then I'll get the big money.

Simon

You had an interview in the Times recently, an interview in the Times. You mentioned your time on Buzzcocks.

Yeah, see? See?

Simon

Dappy said.. this is very exciting, Dappy said, "If I was to see Simon by himself, I would spank him on the bottom." [produces a paddle from under the desk] I've got this paddle, if you want to...

Simon

What does she mean by "My name is Shaniqua and what"?

"My name is Shaniqua and what"... basically...

Simon

"My name is Shaniqua, and do you have any other questions?".

Basically, yeah. "And what.. what are you going to do about it?"

Is she the one who's been sleeping with that dude there? Who's the other one?

His girlfriend's the one who's walking up the stairs.

Are any of these people married!?

Simon

Robert Webb, are you having a fun time on the show?

Yes, I speak when I'm spoken to.

Phill

Heston, do you listen to much contemporary pop music?

Simon

Or do you eat it?