Simon quotes from Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Simon

I'm a big fan of The Klaxons,of course.

Thank you very much.

Simon

There's you, you're Jamie from The Klaxons.

I'm Jamie, yes.

Simon

There's also James from The Klaxons.

Yes. He's better-looking than me isn't he?

Simon

Quite hot, hot.

I know. [whispers] That's why I got him in. [laughs]

Simon

Do you um.. do people ever get confused & booked you, for a tv show, thinking it's him?

Now.. [waits for audience to stop] I don't mean to be funny but I think it happens for us whether or not I'm sitting quite close to this man here [points at Phil]

No, I wanted the big,lumpy one. [points at Jamie]

And then what was this.. what was C?

Simon

C is uh.. organizers couldn't find a good spoon for her soup.

..spoon for her soup.. and then what was the question?

I feel like I'm at school today, I've learned a lot of knowledge.

Simon

Well then, it's about time.

Simon

(After Frankie incorrectly answered her own lyrics) "You think I'm crazy, I'm not I'm your baby", dance dance dance, money money money! [Puts down the card] Mamma Mia.

Here I go again.

Simon

No, I was looking for "Does it show again?". Mamma Mia.

Phill

Does it show again?

Simon

No, it was "Now I really know." Mamma Mia.

Phill

Here I go again?

Simon

No, it was "Even if I say". Mamma Mia.

Phill

Here I go again?

Simon

No, it was "Does it show again?" again.

Simon

My favourite member of the Destiny's Child, of course.

Well thank you very much.

Simon

No problem. I thought you'd maybe defend the others but you're just sort of..

No, I like to be the favourite! Why not?

Simon

Yeah, I don't want to put down the other two.

No, I love them to death.

Simon

I love Michelle and the other one.. I love 'em.

Simon

[exhales] Oh god, this is boring.

IT IS A SONG, NO ONE KNOWS. [about Nick] He doesn't know it! [To Phill] Did you know it?

Phill

[prentends to be a black woman] Naw I din't! I'm with herr! You come on here with yo jive-ass ssongs.. Woo!

Get outta here! Bears??

Simon

People collect bears. Why are you saying Bears? rather than Legs??

Simon

There is bad news. The ratings are not as high as we would like them to be, it's pretty serious, the team and I have had a long chat about it, and you know what? We're not going to pull any contrived, attention-grabbing stunts to boost the ratings tonight. No! We are sticking to the same award-winning quiz format that we all know and love. Right people? [Audience replies, "Yeah!"] OK. By the way, Phill, did you move that leaking gas canister away from the naked flame under your desk?

Phill

No, but I'm sure it'll be alright Simon.

Simon

Good, OK, I'm sure it won't go off, not when the cameras are rolling.

Simon

By the way, Phill, want happened to the Eastern European Loansharks you were having trouble with? Are they still on your back?

Phill

Oh no, they're all sorted out Simon, they shouldn't be any trouble at all.

Simon

Oh good good. I'm sure they won't bother you any time soon, certainly not during a televised show record.

Phill

I imagine not.

Simon

I just thought Phill. Did anyone ... um ... sort out that massive anvil hanging above your head?

Phill

Actually they didn't, no, which seems a bit foolish because it is now hanging by one thread...

Simon

Oh. But it's been up there for all these years, it's not going to fall down now, not in the middle of this show.

Phill

It wouldn't fall down, no.

2 looks like he's going to kill me! I haven't even said anything! What's wrong?

Simon

I think he thinks you dissed public transport!

No, we was banned from playing certain shows..in certain places..

Phill

You said So Solid was banned from this very building earlier. How did you get in..-

Oh yeahh! On Top of The Pops days 'cos they were smoking the good stuff.

Simon

Or as we call here at the BBC; the illegal stuff.

You can't intimidate a heckler in a bunny suit. Try it; You're shit! Get off!

Simon

[high-pitched voice] I'm a rabbit!

I don't care! You're still shit, and you're a shit rabbit!

Simon

[high-pitched voice] Stop saying shit!

See? you can't intimidate me, can you?

Simon

[high-pitched voice] No...

Simon

Now that song that you've got, 'Boyfriend', it was inspired by a film about two lesbians?

That's true,yeah.

Simon

I assume that the film was about them feeling ashamed of what they've done and that they'll never do it again?

[giggles] Obviously,yes,yes.

Simon

Good,good. And you're not a lesbian yourself, are you?

Umm no. Did you think so?

Simon

Phew. Well I was concerned.

Concerned?

Simon

We can't have lesbians on the show.

Really? [laughs]

Simon

Oh good. You're not a uh.. [to audience] Are there any lesbians in the audience?

Yes!

Simon

Oh then you better leave! [points to the exit] Not tonight. We need a lesbian-free show. I don't even want a small one.. [laughs/snorts] Ah Jack Dee?

I'm not a lesbian,no.

Simon

Tell us about that, what was in it, what did you find out, what did you discover?

I think the most shocking revelation was that most teenagers have absolutely no idea basically about STIs.

When I was a teenager, I had no idea about STIs. ..My god, I do now.