With regulars Simon Amstell and Phill Jupitus
With guests Dermot O'Leary (Guest captain), Dappy, Robert Webb, Arlene Phillips and Keith Murray.
Before we start, I'd like to address something. Like all of you, I am deeply upset and probably traumatized by the bad language infecting television today. And I can't sit here any longer and let this potty mouth culture contaminate the nation. There was a time when we didn't rely on disgusting and offensive language. For example...[pulls out his kitten, Toby, to the amusement of the audience]...take this innocent...[pauses to let the crowd laugh]...yeah. Take this innocent, and naive kitten. He's called Toby. He's only 10 weeks old, and he likes being tickled on the tummy. [tickles kitten] Just like that. And if any of our guests swear tonight, I am going to have murder Toby! [lets crowd laugh while he places Toby under the desk while Phill makes a face] It's for the best. And firmly biting his tongue for the good of the nation tonight, it's our guest captain, ITV filth monger, Dermot O'Leary! [applause]
Those are the teams, by Jove I've just defecated in my trousers.
What are you talking about? Do you do it all in that funny voice just to wind up the contestants?
I've got a minute and a half to think of what I'm going to say, and then it all just comes burbling out.
It's wonderful.
Just.. anything that I read in the newspaper that morning that might have--
It's nice that you keep it topical. "Your dancing was like terrorism."
You were famously very mean to that John Sergeant fellow recently.
No, not as mean as I was made out to be.
You called him... a dancing pig?
No, I didn't!
You called him a steaming turdface.
No! Not that either.
You said "We should cut his arms and legs off and put him in a box."
Keith, what do you prefer, Strictly Come Dancing or the X Factor? Do you prefer the one where the mentally ill people get to sing, or the one where the mentally ill people get to judge?
I haven't the foggiest idea what any of you are talking about.
You don't know about the X-Factor? That's the show I do!
Demort, I assure you...big fan!
[Dermot raises his arm triumphantly]
[to Arlene] You look like you could run a good whorehouse.
The new Guns 'N' Roses album is so much more exciting because we had to wait sixteen suspense-filled years for its eventual release. And it's for that reason that I'm not going to listen to the new N-Dubz album until 3012.
You know, everything you say to me, it seems like it's very sarcastic.
What? What do you..? No!
Am I right, D, am I right? Tell me the truth.
He has... elements of sarcasm about him, but I believe, when he's congratulating you about the MoBo and the gold disc, he actually means it.
I mean it. Yeah.
Thank you, Simon. Thank you.
One day I'll get good at that sincerity, and then I'll get the big money.
You had an interview in the Times recently, an interview in the Times. You mentioned your time on Buzzcocks.
Yeah, see? See?
Dappy said.. this is very exciting, Dappy said, "If I was to see Simon by himself, I would spank him on the bottom." [produces a paddle from under the desk] I've got this paddle, if you want to...
What does she mean by "My name is Shaniqua and what"?
"My name is Shaniqua and what"... basically...
"My name is Shaniqua, and do you have any other questions?".
Basically, yeah. "And what.. what are you going to do about it?"
Is she the one who's been sleeping with that dude there? Who's the other one?
His girlfriend's the one who's walking up the stairs.
Are any of these people married!?
Next up is the recently-knighted Sir Intros Round OBE.
This old heart of mine. And this old heart of mine would like to say to you: I enjoyed you guessing the intro, and in the words of Tom Jones, it's not unusual for me to continue saying words when the sentence has surely finished.
Basically, my daughter said to me, "You're not going to guess one of them, Mum, so don't go on the show." I think she might have been right.
But you lived up to your child's expectations, and that's always a good thing.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Never Mind the Buzzcocks pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.