Abby Sciuto quotes from NCIS

Gibbs

Tell me you got something, Abs.

Abby

I do.

Abby

Much better.

Gibbs

I don't know where to start.

Abby

Well, it's just that ever since the "kaboom", you should've been walking around looking like Mr Sourpuss but I know that on the inside you're one of the kindest people I know. So I thought it would be nice if today your outside reflected your inside. I know what you did for Ducky. It was very, very sweet.

Abby

[hangs up the phone] Grrrr this guy bugs me!!

Gibbs

Who?

Abby

Mr Vijay-I'm-a-billionaire-and-I-want-my-car-back-right-now Chaya.

Abby

You can tell a lot about someone from their car.

Gibbs

Yeah?

Abby

We can bust this guy if we want to.

Gibbs

Yeah?

Abby

Based on contents of his ashtray, he smokes Cuban cigars.

Gibbs

Abs, that's not a problem.

Abby

He wears $3000 Italian sunglasses and has Justin Bieber on his hard-drive! Can't we arrest him for that?!

Abby

Frying pan. It's a little cliched.

Ziva

[laughing] Works for me.

Vance

Why are you highlighting those old manuals?

I'm preparing for my GS-11 exam.

Vance

We haven't given that test in over twenty years.

I heard you were reinstating it.

Vance

From whom?

[realizes he's been pranked] Agent DiNozzo.

Vance

Dorneget, you're being probied.

Yeah but Ziva confirmed!

Abby

That's because he did the same thing to her and she studied for three months.

Abby

[telling McGee about Gibbs being out of town, looks at Delilah] Can she be trusted?

Delilah

I have a higher security clearance than any of you.

Abby

So did Mata Hari.

McGee

Hey Abby. Ducky said you pulled some prints off our Jane Doe? Any luck?

Abby

[looks at McGee] Luck. Is that what you think happens in here?

McGee

No I just meant––

Abby

It's Tuesday so no backtracking.

Abby

[after telling Gibbs that she and Delilah broke the case] Don't thank me. This one is Delilah

Delilah

Oh no no. It was nothing. All I did was break the code in the operating system

Abby

Oh don't be so modest. Most people can't do that.

Delilah

Yeah but it was your idea, Abby. I mean, without your–– [Gibbs impatiently slams the Caf-Pow onto the table]

Abby

We're dealing with a sadistic evil genius.

McGee

[notices Tony] I think you have that equation right?

Tony

[catches sight of McGee's desk] OH! What have we here! about safe agent-ing seriously. [chuckles] That's a little overboard McRibbed.

McGee

[unamused] You've had your fun Tony. Unwrap it.

Tony

Oh. Gosh. I'm flattered. But unfortunately, that prophylaxis is not the work of yours truly.

Abby

Then who's work is it?

Tony

Who knows? The Great Pumpkin? Headless Horseman? Perhaps the Ghost of Halloween Past? Mike Franks? Possibilities are endless.

Agent Abigail Borin

[Abby hugs her when Borin shows her a large cup of Caf-Pow] Oh...that is a lot of affection for some caffeine. Should come around more often.

Abby

Yes. I agree with that 110%! Although that's not numerically possible. For emphasis it totally works.

Abby

Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs! I cracked the suspect's cellphone. There are boatloads of juicy texts on there from him to Fornell's ex-wife.

Abby

I mean, this stuff is kinkier than Fifty Shades of Gray. You have got to come see this...

Abby

Fornell... ex-wife... daughter. [laughs weakly] Oops.

Diane

[chasing after him] You get back here or I will smash every computer in that lab!

Abby

[chasing after her] Don't you touch my babies!

Emily

[to Gibbs] Can I apply for asylum?

Palmer

I'm so not having kids.

Abby

Ok, Jimmy, that does it! [turns to Vance] Excuse us, Director, but something has gotten into Mr. Palmer and I would like to get it out now.

Vance

Well, don't let me interfere. [walks to the back of the room]

Palmer

Abby, listen––

Abby

[cuts Palmer off] No! You listen. You know what's infectious during the holidays? Optimism! Optimism is infectious. Optimism and joy...and joy and....

Kindness.

Abby

Kindness.

Courtesy

Abby

And charity.

Generosity.

Abby

And gratitude.

Selflessness.

Abby

Compassion.

Forgiveness.

Abby

Forgiveness is huge.

Kindness.

Palmer

You already said kindness.

I like kindness.

Abby

And faith, Jimmy. Faith. Faith is infectious. Life isn't always perfect, you know? But sometimes things will work out for the best if you just have faith.

[looks at Abby uncomfortably] Is there some place else I could wait?

Abby

Do you mean there's some place else you could hide? [Honeycutt fidgets in his seat] No. You're gonna sit right there and you're gonna think about what you and your company have done.

McGee

[sees Ducky, Palmer and Bishop trying to secure the baby car seat in a car] How long have they been at it?

Abby

[sighs] Like an hour. I heard Ducky cursed and...I mean, well, I think I did. I'm not that familiar with British profanity...

McGee

Thanks to Jones, we're able to see local ISP access.

Abby

And somewhere the head of Leroy Jethro Gibbs explodes.

Abby

Sometimes, I love my job. And sometimes, I have to crawl inside a giant septic tank.

Gibbs

Well, it could be worse.

Abby

How?

Gibbs

I'd have to climb in there with you.