Diane quotes from NCIS

Diane

Would you tell Tobias that I never meant to hurt him?

Gibbs

Oh yeah. He knows. I think.

Diane

I really liked him, but I never should have married him. I didn't love him. Just like you never loved me.

Gibbs

I liked you. I still do.

Diane

But the only woman you'll ever love is Shannon. You were my Shannon, Leroy. [walks away]

Gibbs

I'm not sure how to say this...

I do. Look, we are not your personal buddy-cop investigative service.

Diane

No, you're just my ex-husbands. And I need your help.

Diane

Victor and I have a good relationship.

Diane

He knows how to treat a woman. [Fornell looks at Gibbs] He's not afraid to show emotion like some people.

[sarcastically to Gibbs] She talking about us?

Diane

He's not some immature child that relates better to guns than to people...

Gibbs

[hands up] Okay, okay. We get it.

Vance

Mrs. Sterling, I'm Director Vance. Rest assured my agents are doing everything possible to find your husband.

Diane

Thank you. Just make sure they keep me informed, too. [indicating McGee] Wasn't any fun trying to pry information out of Macaulay Culkin here.

Victor

[relieved] Diane, I am so glad to see you!

Diane

[angrily] You get the hell away from me! $2 million and I've been worrying about how to pay the mortgage?!

Gibbs

You're on your own.

Victor

When you have a lot of money, it's hard to tell who your friends are. And with women, it's even harder. So I took the cash, and I invested it, and I forgot about it. It's our nest egg, baby. I was gonna surprise you when I retired.

Diane

So basically you couldn't believe that I would love you if you were rich? You didn't trust me but you married me anyway?! I am going to make your life a living hell!

Victor

Diane... I'm okay, baby. I'm safe now.

Diane

I was so scared...

Victor

It's okay, it's okay. I love you so much...

Diane

I know a Customs Agent I can talk to, see if he'll issue a BOLO on similar shipments. That might shed some light. Tobias, go back to the FBI and do the same thing. Jethro, MTAC. See if there's any new intel on Syria, North Korea or Iran.

...Did she just give us orders?

Gibbs

Yeah. But they're good ones.

[annoyed] I know!

Diane

[furiously] Emily, do you have any idea what kind of trouble you are in, missy?!

Emily

Me? You're the one who's ruining your life!

Diane

I beg your pardon?

Emily

[sarcastically] Uh, www-dot-you-and-dad-suck-together-dot-com? Or are you too desperate at this point to care?

[aside to Gibbs] Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, huh.

Diane

How dare you talk to me like that!

Emily

You and Dad speak to each other? All you guys do is fight!

Diane

We do not fight! We are just VERY LOUD!

Emily

[to Tobias] And you! How could you do this to me?!

Honey, no one is doing anything to you. Your mother and I are just... wait a second. How do you know about... your mother and me?

Emily

I know everything. I put a keystroke logger on both your Facebook accounts.

Diane

You what?!

You need a warrant to do that!

Abby

Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs! I cracked the suspect's cellphone. There are boatloads of juicy texts on there from him to Fornell's ex-wife.

Abby

I mean, this stuff is kinkier than Fifty Shades of Gray. You have got to come see this...

Abby

Fornell... ex-wife... daughter. [laughs weakly] Oops.

Diane

[chasing after him] You get back here or I will smash every computer in that lab!

Abby

[chasing after her] Don't you touch my babies!

Emily

[to Gibbs] Can I apply for asylum?

Tony

[laughs] Heh. Abs, I hope you told Gibbs to come alone 'cause Fornell's head would explode if he saw these texts.

Better get a mop!

Diane

Tony, if you value your life, you'll turn off that computer right now!

Touch that CPU and I touch you!

Tony

Can't hear you. I have a sinus infection. I have to go get my netty pot. [flees the scene]

Hello, Diane. I heard we broke up, sorry about that. Oh, by the way, I'm a Secret Service Agent.

Diane

I heard. What's with the attitude?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's that you were sleeping with your ex-husband while we were dating.

[starting to restrain Eddie] Hey...! [stops, thinks, turns to Diane] Man has a point.

Diane

[scoffs] Oh, you guys are buddies now?

Gibbs

(deadpan) Yeah. We're thinking of starting a club.

McGee

[whispering urgently] Boss? Boss!

Diane

[entering] How long does it take to...? [sees] Holy Fourth of July Weenie Roast, WHAT THE HELL AM I LOOKING AT?!