[Standing before a crude map, "Lieutenant" Joe addresses his extremely tiny Cuba invasion force.]
Men, we're shoving off right after sundown...
CSCrow, Servo [as Men]
You shove off!
…and I want to give you some idea of what to expect.
MAMike [as Joe]
There's 80,000 of them, and seven of us.
At 12 o'clock midnight, we hit the beach. At 12:30 a patrol boat makes its nightly run. We have 30 minutes to scale 80 foot cliffs and clear the beach.
SAServo [as Joe]
Ted, you take Havana.
[Griffin (played by Coleman Francis) and the rest of the Cuban invasion force are captured by Castro's forces.]
MAMike [as Cuban Soldier]
The Yankees will pay highly for you, Señor Francis.
[As Griffin is beating on Landis at a trainyard, the scene suddenly changes to an auto shop exterior, even while the fight music continues.]
Ah! I think my neck got broken in that jump cut!
[sighs] I see the movie has finally thrown up its hands and said "I just don't know!"
I want to hurt this movie, but I could never hurt it the way it hurt me!
[The antiheroes make some purchases at a seedy-looking mom-and-pop store while some inappropriately cheerful music plays on the soundtrack.]
MAMike [as Store Clerk]
Would you like a video? We have some ultraviolent Japanese porn cartoons!
[Frank owes a hefty sum of money to the mob, and is about to convince Dr. Forrester to go out and face them in his stead]
Clay, there's a, uh- Joey "Skinny Legs" Tagliano here to see you.
Huh? Joey "Skinny Legs" Tagliano? Did I go to high school with him? I bet that's what it is; I went to high school with him. [steps into the hallway] Joe? Hello?
[Forrester gets pulled aside and in silhouette is being beaten up by the mob, while Frank grimaces]
Gee, I- I feel kinda bad about this. I must admit I feel partly responsible, sorta.
[Mike and the Bots are dressed in formal tuxedos shortly before Movie Sign for some gambling]
Attention; the buffet is now being served.
Mike, Crow and Servo: [at the same time as Movie Sign blares] The buffet?!
[Mike- left worn out by the film- masquerades as Carol Channing to cope through the inner pain]
I see, this movie must've really gotten to ya. (. . .) [mockingly imitating Carol's voice] Well, it's just sensational that you're Carol Channing!
[rebuking] What are you doing? Stop that! As Carol Channing, I must say that's really annoying.
[Dr. Forrester is drifting in and out of life to an impatient Frank's chagrin]
Frank; I'm going down a long hallway... there's a figure at the end beckoning to me.
TSTV's Frank
Well, don't you think you ought to go to him, Doctor?
Frank, there's something I've always wanted to tell you.
TSTV's Frank
Look, let's not make a big production out of this- there's a guy at the end of the hallway waiting for you, okay?
Yes... he's tapping his foot and looking at his watch.
TSTV's Frank
[passively frustrated] Well don't you think you ought to go to him, then?!
[depressed sigh] You know, aside from the fact that I'll never again experience joy in my life, I don't think Red Zone Cuba had any kind of negative effect on me...
Yeah, even being Carol Channing didn't shield me from the effect of this one...
Well, hey! I know what we can do to cheer ourselves up! Let's sing us a bouncy, upbeat song! Okay!?
Hit it, Cambot! [singing] Whenever I want to cry and bawl, Because I'm feeling sad, I think of ironing boards and drywall, And then I don't feel so bad!
Whenever I'm feeling down and blue And sorry for myself I get some staples and some glue And I'm happy as an elf!
[singing] Whenever I start to mope and pout And there's nothing left in my soul I check the toilet paper and if we're out I buy another roll!
[singing] Have you ever touched a Post-it Note? Have you ever looked at boots? Have you ever sat down in a chair? Have you ever used a paper clip?
[singing] So if you listen to our advice,
[singing] And you wanna feel terrific!
[singing] Do things that make you feel nice,
[singing] I wish we could be more specific!
[Our heroes discuss the film's title.]
Oh, I'm glad they said "Danger!", or I might have thought it was just a normal death ray.
There's a dangerous death ray situation on outbound 94, you might want to take an alternate route.
What country is this taking place in?
[Over a shot of a group of men walking down a hallway]
They really have captured the grandeur of white guys walking in herds.
[Over a shot of man watching security cameras in a control booth]
(in a snooty British accent) You're watching Brian Television: All Brian, all the time.
[On the rightmost monitor, we see the group of men walking into vision]
In an underground bunker, the Major League owners plot strategies.
SAServo [as watcher]
Why can't I get the Red Shoe Diaries?
[We cut to an obvious toy submarine surfacing within a pool of water.]
The Tidy Bowl Man is doing all right for himself.
They're coming up for more baking soda.
[Crow begins snickering.]
Ah, the ocean's beautiful in this part of the tub.
[Crow snickers again.]
This set is at least three box tops.
[recovering his composure] Special effects by... Billy!
. . .
[The radar operator climbs a ladder toward a hatch.]
Don't go up there! You'll become a toy!
. . .
[The men from the helicopter have climbed down into the submarine.]
SSub Captain
Okay. We can dive.
SAServo [as Captain]
Billy's out of the tub. We can dive now.
CACrow [as Captain]
Head towards the drain.
[Shot in slow motion, the sub pulls away and the toy helicopter "falls" off into the water.]
SAServo [as Captain]
Uhp, did somebody tie on the helicopter?
Oop! Eh... This must be a massive organization to be able to throw away a $1.50 helicopter.
[Bart Fargo attacks one of the evil henchmen and grabs him by the throat.]
BFBart Fargo
You're the one who knows everything...
MAMike [as Fargo]
Who's God?
