EEngineer
Why don't they look, Ralph? Tell me, why don't they look?
TATom [as Ralph]
You're deep, Ernie.
S5Radar Secret Service
So, if the next car I stop happens to be yours...
MAMike [as patrolman]
Save a place for me at your dinner table!
...DON'T tell me that you were speeding a little, only BREAKING the law a little...
...uh-oh...
...only doing something a little bit wrong, save THAT for somebody else, brother!
CCrow
OH, MY GOD, HE'S SNAPPED!
Because I've seen too many "litte bit" follies...
He's a bad cop on the loose!
...and they end up a little bit DEAD!
Now I'm gonna grab me a little bit of lunch!
Radar Secret Service (movie)
[As title of movie appears on screen]
CCrow
Gary Burghoff goes undercover!
That would explain his career for the last 10 years.
S5Santa Claus
[A caroling on the SOL has broken into a riot.]
We'll be right back... I think. Noel!
[On the SOL, the gang is having a gift exchange.]
Open mine, Mike! Open mine!
Oh, the big one! Okay. [He opens a box] Oh, wow! Great sweater, Gyps. Thanks! [He holds it up] Look at that, it says "Joike" on it.
Yeah, well, I started knitting it for the other guy a long time ago, and then, and then, well, you know.
[At Santa's Toyland, boys and girls from all over the world sing as Santa plays his organ.]
SAServo [as Santa]
[singing] Ho, ho, ho, ho, staying alive, staying alive...
. . .
[Over Spain]
MCMike, Crow, Servo
[singing along] I love him, I love him, and where he goes, I'll follow...
. . .
[Over China]
[singing] We are forced to sing...
CCrow
Hey, could we move on to a country with some rhythm?
. . .
Boys and girls from England.
CCrow
...have rotten teeth.
SAServo [as Santa]
Feel it! Get down with your bad Santa self!
. . .
Japan also helps Santa.
MAMike [as Narrator]
By investing in his toy corporation, they now own Santa lock, stock, and barrel.
. . .
Talented children from the Orient.
CCrow
...are not here today.
Um, uh, you're dancing on my keyboard.
SAServo [as Santa]
[singing] Get it on in the morning now!
. . .
Even Russia has a delegation.
CCrow
Currently under surveillance by the CIA.
MAMike [as Narrator]
Santa makes them work 16 hours a day for $2 an hour.
. . .
The group from France.
...stinks to high heaven!
. . .
[Over Germany]
CACrow [as General Burkhalter]
Klink, you are a terrible singer!
MAMike [as Col. Klink]
You're absolutely right! I am a terrible singer!
CACrow [as General Burkhalter]
How would you like to sing at the Russian front?
MAMike [as Col. Klink]
Well, my father was a very famous conductor...
CACrow [as General Burkhalter]
Shut up!
I just wanna know one thing: When are Donny and Marie coming through the door?
. . .
Here's a happy song from Italy.
[sings random Italian gibberish]
CCrow
So is this neorealism?
SAServo [as Don Corleone]
Okay, we're gonna whack Santa. He's trying to muscle in on the Easter Bunny's turf.
Okay, great. You've offended everyone now.
. . .
The islands of the Caribbean.
...have nothing to do with this movie.
SAServo [as a Jamaican]
Legalize it, mon!
[singing] Get up, stand up, stand up for your rights...
SAServo [as Ed McMahon]
Next up in the junior vocalist category: Thailand!
. . .
The South American group includes Brazil and Argentina.
And a few other countries not worth mentioning right now.
CCrow
Ho! Santa's doing the forbidden dance!
. . .
The countries of Central America.
...are a threat to Santa's vital security interests.
Hey, those are the same kids from the other countries! They'll be playing the Egyptians next.
. . .
CCrow
Hooray!
Yay! USA! Woo!
The children of the USA.
CCrow
...are too spoiled and lazy to help Santa. There, that makes it better.
. . .
A neighborly group of children from Mexico.
CCrow
...are over-accessorized.
[The devil is encouraging a girl to steal].
Don't listen to him, Lupita! It's bad to steal, and you'll be sorry!
CCrow
Ah, the classic battle between evil and the narrator.
That's right, Lupita, put it back.
[The girl puts the doll back and goes to her smiling mother].
CACrow [as mother]
Way to defeat Satan, honey.
[muttering angrily to himself] Curses! Wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-Curses!
[bewildered] Oh, don't ever do that again.
[Santa's observatory is filled with magical equipment enabling him to spy on all the children of Earth.]
[cheerfully] Santa's tendrils reach far and wide. There is no hiding from the K.L.A.U.S. Organization.
[Santa eavesdrops on the bad children.]
SBSecond boy
[over radio] Anyway, Santa doesn't care about us. He's too far away.
SAServo [as Santa Claus]
They're on to me! Into the escape pod!
[noting the Italian-looking names in the credits]
CCrow
This is a fascist Santa!
Yeah, at the end, Santa gets hung upside down.
Well, at least he made the sleigh rides run on time.
[In "Hades," a number of devils cavort in a poorly-choreographed fashion]
Oh, I suppose Hell got an NEA grant!
[During a dream sequence of opening boxes with people inside]
MAMike [as announcer]
It's your new mom! [Crow imitates audience roaring]
[A girl is dreaming of performing in front of a row of identical boxes.]
Pick your refrigerator, Lupita!
[Several children are writing.]
CACrow [as children]
Call me Ishmael... I was born in a house my father built... The minute Yossarian...
. . .
CCrow
[sings] I've written a letter to Daddy...
[Two young boys stand at a mailbox, mailing their letters to Santa Claus.]
MAMike [as boy]
I'm tellin' ya, Pepe, these Comedy Central contests are a waste of time!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.