[A clown rings a bell.]
[We cut to two clowns slapfighting.]
Presenting Boppo and Freddie for the funniest prizefight in circus history!
Bing Crosby's relationship with his son Gary is re-enacted.
SAServo [as clown]
Ha ha! Let the nightmare begin! Hoo hoo!
This is the strangest debate format I have ever seen.
You know, don't laugh, but in a way, this is this town's passion play.
Oh. It's a full contact Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?!
CACrow [as Richard Burton]
Don't talk about our clown, Martha.
[Cut to the next act, a lion tamer]
[As trapeze artists fly through the air]
I know, you're not going to complete 5th grade gym without doing this, right?
. . .
JAJoel [as trapeze artist]
Pass the word, Ed's been hitting the bottle today!
Oh, like that's been a big improvement over what we've been doing...
CACrow [as trapeze artist]
Party in Susan's dressing room!
[Over the "The End" card]
Ah, my favorite part of the circus.
The Day the Earth Froze (movie)
[Lemminkäinen navigates down a river while paddling atop a log.]
SAServo [as Lemminkäinen]
[singing with Norwegian accent] If everybody had a spruce tree, across Finlandia...
CACrow [as Lemminkäinen]
[singing with Norwegian accent] I vish they all could be Norvegian girls...
[Lemminkäinen and Ilmarinen demand the release of Ilmarinen's sister from the witch Louhi, as reward for plowing the witch's field. The witch is hesitant to comply, and demands more.]
LWLouhi, the witch
Forge a Sampo! Or you'll never see the face of your pretty sister again.
Can we see the other parts?
Crimeny, better look up what a Sampo is quick, I think she's serious!
[Bowing to the witch's demand, Ilmarinen builds a Sampo by throwing stuff into a magic fire.]
IIlmarinen
With this wool, will I clothe you!
SAServo [as Ilmarinen]
With these teeth, will you bite me!
[The witch Louhi spreads her arms outward, her cloak fluttering in the wind.]
Ladies and gentlemen, the Swedish Moses of Soul!
[The young people run to the village center to celebrate Lemminkäinen's return after destroying their Sampo to keep it from the witch.]
SAServo [as Villager]
Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo?
CACrow [as Villager]
Yah, it's really too bad.
JAJoel [as Villager]
No Sampo, eh? Bummer.
SAServo [as Villager]
Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed.
[The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.]
CACrow [as Villager]
I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been!
[Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel and the Bots sing.]
SAServo [as Villager]
He failed to bring back the Sampo!
JCJoel, Crow [as Villagers]
Sampo!
SAServo [as Villager]
We shall die of starvation!
JCJoel, Crow [as Villagers]
Sampo!
[On the SOL bridge, Gypsy takes the stage wearing a coat]
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting in her one woman show: Gypsy!
[singing] There’s a big frontier out there called life, I ain’t nobody’s daughter, I ain’t nobody’s wife, I’m gonna stake my very own claim of land, And you’re gonna wanna know who I am… I’m Gypsy! Gypsy Rose Me! Gypsy Rose, not you! Not you! Or you! Gypsy Rose… Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
[Joel, Crow, and Tom applaud]
Thank you! Oh, thank you very much. You know, we're all traveling; You, me, that little gold guy over there. We're traveling on the big trip of life, and sometimes it turns out we haven't packed the right clothes for our personal journey. :[Gypsy takes off her coat, revealing a pink outfit underneath] "I've been struggling to make ends meet. The social worker stops by today, but we'll get by, somehow..." Thank you.
[Joel, Crow, and Tom applaud again. Gypsy takes off her pink dress, revealing a golden sparkling outfit.]
"I'm sick of fighting with you, boyfriend! But I'm not going to walk out that door; No sir, I'm going to run out that door!" Thank you, Thank you.
[Everyone applauds.]
Hey, is my act interfering with your conversation, buddy? [Crow, Joel and Tom laugh heartily] You get three guys together, huh? What, some sort of love connection screwup? [Crow, Joel and Tom laugh again]
Oh, thank you, thank you. What a night, everybody! But before I go, I want to tell you a little story; A story about a gal who ran the higher functions of a little satellite in a synchronous orbit, A gal that everyone thought was perhaps, a little slow, a little naïve, a little... simple. But let me tell you something about that gal. She has spirit, she had guts! and most of all, she had a huge heart. That gal was on her journey and when her luggage ended up on another planet, that gal picked herself up, dusted herself off and wore the same outfit 2 days in a row. That plucky little gal, is... me!
Welcome back, dear viewers, to the conclusion of The Day the Earth Froze on the Mystery Science Theater Hour. I can't wait to get started, but first let's take a look at what happened in part one. The beautiful ornithologist Annikki is wooed by Übermensch Lemminkäinen, ace log rider. Meanwhile, the evil witch of the mountain kidnapped Annikki to coerce Annikki's brother into making a Sampo, a coveted, yet delightfully vague prize. Annikki's brother and Lemminkäinen rush to rescue the maiden. I can't wait to get started, I confess, I'm rather taken by that fetching Swedish hotcake of a witch. [laughs] Part two of The Day the Earth Froze. Grrr!
