Mystery Science Theater 3000 · Season 4
As if a switch had been turned, as if an eye had been blinked as if some phantom force in the universe had made a move eons beyond our comprehension...
As if we cared.
Suddenly, there was no trail. There was no giant, no monster, no thing called Douglas to be followed. There was nothing in the tunnel but the puzzled men of courage who suddenly found themselves alone with the shadows and darkness!
Oh, the joke's on us!
Boooooo!
[Joel realizes how depressing the movie was and is trying to cheer up the 'bots when Servo begins to cry.]
Hey, w-what's wrong?
Joel, it's this movie. It was really depressing! It was like being a little kid and eating dinner at your Aunt Ruth's apartment in the summer, and it's hot in there and she's got a local christian radio station on, and there's nothing to do or look at 'cause all she's got in the apartment are Good Housekeeping magazines and linen doilies!
Yeah! And then they send you out to play with the strange neighbor kids and they're all big and their skin is pink and they have big pores and a big eighth grader makes you look at really upsetting pictures, so you go back inside and you sit down and they're all just talking with these big pauses in their conversations and you can hear the clock ticking on the wall!
Yeah! Yeah, and so you dig into your seat cushion and you find a really old peanut, and you're so bored you eat it! And then you just feel bad and a little sick, and then you think you're about to go! But-but then Aunt Ruth takes out a photo album filled with black-and-white photos of kids with squinty eyes and they're supposed to be your uncles and aunts or something, and then your parents force you to look at them!
[Servo and Crow both begin bawling.]
[Joel tries to organize the Bots for a photo.]
We are going to get a nice picture of this family if it kills us.
Here Comes the Circus (short)
[The title screen shows "Here Comes the Circus!" next to a smiling clown's head.]
Heeere comes the Devil!
It's Beezlebub the Clown!
Guys, can we be a little less dark with this short?
There's excitement everywhere, the circus here. Everyone is headed to the big top to thrill to and cheer on the funmakers, daredevils, freaks, and ferocious performing animals.
[Shot of circus-goers outside the tent]
And here come the freaks now! Look at them, all...
[In the audience, a white-haired man holds a young boy on his lap.]
It's Thomas Edison, with his electric child!
[The circus starts with a parade of all the performers.]
Supporters drummed up for the Spanish-American War.
Hey, uh, aren't the horses supposed to go behind the band?
Oops.
Now make way for the Ku Klux Klowns!
. . .
Oh, please you guys, you're getting too dark. Would you lighten up?
How about this? Hey, look, it's Rue McClanahan.
That's better.
It's Ezekiel, the Amish clown. [chuckles] No buttons.
Oh, look, it's Ice Princess Zebra.
[Emmett Kelly appears in the parade.]
Hey, it's Emmett Kelly.
That's good.
No, it really is.
Whatever, Joel.
. . .
[As the narrator mentions Emmett Kelly over a shot of him eating a sandwich]
See? Emmett changed management soon after this.
[Shot of the crowd cheering]
We love it when he eats!
[As a trapeze artist swings]
It's a living!
Mother, please come home!
Yes, our Betty swings both ways!
Oh, stop it!
She does! Look!
Listen, you hit the floor a couple of times, you make sure you get it right.
This takes care of unwanted hair in the bikini area.
[Watching girls being passed around by men lying down with their feet up]
Ah, they take a licking and keep on kicking!
Women who love too much and the feet that use them.
This one's on the rebound.
[Balancing on another person, a man helps a woman to stand on his shoulders.]
The act was outlawed on several continents!
Yes, it's the man who mistook his wife for a hat!
. . .
Flipped her off.
The beautiful bareback riding ballerina, Miss Lucy!
...could not be with us tonight, so instead we have this act.
Store this image away for a later nightmare.
[The old man points out the clown on the trapeze to the boy.]
I invented that move.
Yeah, right.
[Two clowns swing around a pole crotch to crotch.]
Oh, no! No, no -- they're doing it clown-style! No!
[One clown sweeps the other's behind with a hand broom.]
Ah! And Madonna thinks she's innovative!
Oh, please tell me this isn't happening.
[They continue to complain as one clown hits the other's behind with a mallet.]
More, more, I'm a bad clown! Ha ha ha!
Yes, children's windows of perception are opened for a second, only to take in the horror that is the circus.
[Shot of a horse trainer and a horse]
Hank Kimball's brought in.
Hey, Mr. Douglas, I see you've got a horse. Well, it's not really a horse, it's more of a...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
