[Joel tries to organize the Bots for a photo.]
We are going to get a nice picture of this family if it kills us.
Here Comes the Circus (short)
“The Day the Earth Froze” · Season 4
In this episode: Tom Servo (18), Crow T. Robot (16), Joel Robinson (15), Narrator (3), Gypsy (2), Jack Perkins (2), Magic Voice (1)
[The title screen shows "Here Comes the Circus!" next to a smiling clown's head.]
CCrow
Heeere comes the Devil!
It's Beezlebub the Clown!
Guys, can we be a little less dark with this short?
There's excitement everywhere, the circus here. Everyone is headed to the big top to thrill to and cheer on the funmakers, daredevils, freaks, and ferocious performing animals.
[Shot of circus-goers outside the tent]
CCrow
And here come the freaks now! Look at them, all...
[In the audience, a white-haired man holds a young boy on his lap.]
It's Thomas Edison, with his electric child!
[The circus starts with a parade of all the performers.]
Supporters drummed up for the Spanish-American War.
Hey, uh, aren't the horses supposed to go behind the band?
Oops.
CCrow
Now make way for the Ku Klux Klowns!
. . .
Oh, please you guys, you're getting too dark. Would you lighten up?
How about this? Hey, look, it's Rue McClanahan.
That's better.
CCrow
It's Ezekiel, the Amish clown. [chuckles] No buttons.
Oh, look, it's Ice Princess Zebra.
[Emmett Kelly appears in the parade.]
Hey, it's Emmett Kelly.
That's good.
No, it really is.
Whatever, Joel.
. . .
[As the narrator mentions Emmett Kelly over a shot of him eating a sandwich]
See? Emmett changed management soon after this.
[Shot of the crowd cheering]
CACrow [as crowd]
We love it when he eats!
[As a trapeze artist swings]
It's a living!
CCrow
Mother, please come home!
Yes, our Betty swings both ways!
Oh, stop it!
She does! Look!
Listen, you hit the floor a couple of times, you make sure you get it right.
CCrow
This takes care of unwanted hair in the bikini area.
[Watching girls being passed around by men lying down with their feet up]
JAJoel [as John Cameron Swayze]
Ah, they take a licking and keep on kicking!
CCrow
Women who love too much and the feet that use them.
This one's on the rebound.
[Balancing on another person, a man helps a woman to stand on his shoulders.]
CCrow
The act was outlawed on several continents!
SAServo [as Narrator]
Yes, it's the man who mistook his wife for a hat!
. . .
CCrow
Flipped her off.
The beautiful bareback riding ballerina, Miss Lucy!
...could not be with us tonight, so instead we have this act.
Store this image away for a later nightmare.
[The old man points out the clown on the trapeze to the boy.]
JAJoel [as Old Man]
I invented that move.
CACrow [as Kid]
Yeah, right.
[Two clowns swing around a pole crotch to crotch.]
Oh, no! No, no -- they're doing it clown-style! No!
[One clown sweeps the other's behind with a hand broom.]
CCrow
Ah! And Madonna thinks she's innovative!
Oh, please tell me this isn't happening.
[They continue to complain as one clown hits the other's behind with a mallet.]
CACrow [as Clown]
More, more, I'm a bad clown! Ha ha ha!
SAServo [as Narrator]
Yes, children's windows of perception are opened for a second, only to take in the horror that is the circus.
[Shot of a horse trainer and a horse]
JAJoel [as Narrator]
Hank Kimball's brought in.
CACrow [as Hank Kimball]
Hey, Mr. Douglas, I see you've got a horse. Well, it's not really a horse, it's more of a...
[A clown rings a bell.]
Hey, C. Everett Kook!
[We cut to two clowns slapfighting.]
Presenting Boppo and Freddie for the funniest prizefight in circus history!
CCrow
Bing Crosby's relationship with his son Gary is re-enacted.
SAServo [as clown]
Ha ha! Let the nightmare begin! Hoo hoo!
This is the strangest debate format I have ever seen.
You know, don't laugh, but in a way, this is this town's passion play.
Oh. It's a full contact Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?!
CACrow [as Richard Burton]
Don't talk about our clown, Martha.
[Cut to the next act, a lion tamer]
CCrow
KITTIES!
[As trapeze artists fly through the air]
I know, you're not going to complete 5th grade gym without doing this, right?
. . .
JAJoel [as trapeze artist]
Pass the word, Ed's been hitting the bottle today!
Oh, like that's been a big improvement over what we've been doing...
CACrow [as trapeze artist]
Party in Susan's dressing room!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.