Mystery Science Theater 3000 Season 11 quotes

You want to put me out of business, Will? Why don't you take out your gun and shoot me? That'll close the hotel.

All I'm trying to do is prevent a disaster.

My disaster. Sheriff, if some crazy animal's out there, get 'em!

Yes sir, Mr. Wagoner.

How high, sir?

What are you doing still standing here? Go get him, boys!

You don't understand, Mr. Wagoner.

Make me understand.

It's not a crazy beast. It's just some... animal we don't have any experience with.

Servo

Ow! Geez!

If you close one road- if you open your mouth in front of one hotel guest, I'll have all of your jobs! [to Morgan] You're supposed to be a big game hunter? Go hunt! [to Jim] You call yourself an Indian? You can't even trap a wild animal. Some Indian! [a scantily dressed woman holding a martini suddenly appears]

Have you met my girlfriend? She appears when I make racist comments.

Servo

Oh there it is. Finally, Jim, our crown prince of fun.

It's old Big Mike!

Looks safe. Why don't you get in there, Paul? Come on. He's dead.

What's that? Oh, he's eating his entrails.

Grizzly Man 2: The Power of Love.

Maybe I'll laugh later.

I suppose this is funny to mountain people. This is their Seinfeld.

Servo

[Paul begins laughing] It's funny!

Geez, do these guys do the laugh track for Two and A Half Men?

Let's keep this a secret between you and me.

Okay, it is never good when an adult says that to a kid.

I'm as surprised I'm in this movie as you are, folks.

[grabbing Paul] Do I have to tie you up?!

You're nothing but a dumb Indian!

WHOA!

Red Hawk! Is that you?

You remember me, don't you?

You died thirteen years ago. I saw you sealed up in a cave.

Well, Happy Easter.

I was. After seven days, I had a vision. All the animals in the forest needed me, so I got up, broke out of the cave. I've been here since, with my friends. [beckons to the animals around him]

I'm not his friend. I'm not indigenous to the area. Call the police!

Let's get this tiger hunt over with. I'm looking for bigger game.

What do you mean?

I'm sitting on a fortune, right here in this forest, now!

Look at all this pure, uncut cocaine!

Yeah, I thought my soul was thoroughly crushed by this movie, but now this music is squeezing out the last little bit.

I'm actually traveling through time at the rate of one hour per hour.

Rip Torn is Dr. Strange!

Think about it: iPad, iPhone, eyeball. This is already happening, folks.

Servo

Is it just me, or is this guy spending an inordinate amount of time on this android's, um... and-groin?

"And-groin"? Did you just make that word up?

Servo

I had to come up with something. We burned through the words "area" and "crotch".

Here comes another one. Parading his "ro-batch" right by the camera. Thank you. Disgusting!

[holding a tray of android eyeballs] Holy McKee! I thought I was giving her the eye!

[sigh] You know, when a beautiful woman of the future really comes on strong and then hands you a tray of eyeballs harvested from her former lovers, maybe you should just stay friends, Danny.

Servo

Yeah, Danny. You really think she needed help moving a tray of eyeballs three feet? These are warning signs, man! Wake up!

Servo

Hey Jonah, it's you and your pillow!

Hah!

Hey...

Servo

Wooden crates stuffed with straw... of the future!

Hobo bedding... of the future!

The insides of scarecrows... of the future!

Servo

Practical dynamite storage... of the future!

Dirty crates filled with excelsior, a straw-like packing material... of the future!

Boxes and boxes of unsold copies of Jerry Maguire... also of the future!