[Joel and the bots do an experiment to see what exactly is in Gypsy's mind]
What is it?
It's an 8x10 (photo) of Richard Basehart and some RAM chips!
[disappointed] Oh brother; another great mystery of the universe explained.
S1Untamed Youth
BSBob Steele
[exposing Russ] And that healthy food, that I'm paying for, you know what I found out about that food? Tropp's feeding canned dog food, and he calls it beef stew.
CSCecilia Steele Tropp
[in disbelief] Oh, no.
CACrow [as Cecilia]
Not canned, it should be dry! That's part of the agreement.
BSBob Steele
... what do you mean he wouldn't? He's doing it! Mother, I saw the empty cans. I guess you didn't know this was going on, did you?
CSCecilia Steele Tropp
No! Maybe Mr. Tropp doesn't!
BSBob Steele
He knows every move that's made.
CSCecelia Steele Tropp
Well Bob, it's... it's uh- it's just that Russ is very ambitious.
SAServo [as Bob]
When did you start calling him Russ?
BSBob Steele
Sure! Got a bunch of people assigned to him, on your orders, their help is he gets them for six bits a day, and feeds them slop!
JAJoel [as Cecilia]
It's not slop, it's Science Diet and it's very expensive, young man!
S1The Black Scorpion
[Images of the erupting volcano are followed by onlookers watching the spectacle.]
… and millions of tons of molten lava are roaring down the slopes.
Guys, get out of the way! That's why you're dying!
. . .
… having reached a height of 9,000 feet within a few days…
SAServo [as Narrator]
And then tragedy struck -- we ran out of stock footage!
[Scientists Hank Scott and Artur Ramos pause in their driving after hearing some odd roaring noises.]
HHank
Looks like a farmhouse up ahead. Maybe we can get some water up there.
AArtur
Also, I'd like to save those two bottles of beer.
JCJoel, Crow, Servo
[singing] Two bottles of beer in the jeep / Two bottles of beer / Take one down, pass it around / One bottle… beer in the jeep.
[Artur clears a fallen wire from the jeep's path with a pole.]
SAServo [as Artur]
I'll just move this high-voltage power line with, uh, this piece of metal. Let me dip it in water first.
[Searching for a path toward the volcano, Hank spies a woman on a bucking horse through his binoculars.]
HHank
… I found something a lot more interesting!
Hey, it's Dale Evans, and I thought she was stuffed!
CCrow
Only mounted. [N]
[With the heroes and the local authorities, Dr. Velazco reviews their situation.]
VDr. Velazco
But we have a few advantages against this enemy. First--
SAServo [as Velazco]
We're small. We can run fast.
VDr. Velazco
Plus, we have the daylight hours to try to find and destroy it. Secondly, they're somewhat slow and lethargic.
CACrow [as Velazco]
And we have giant 40-foot pincers! Uh, no, wait -- that's the scorpion's good point.
[A giant scorpion derails the train, cars piling on top of each other.]
CACrow [as Tour Guide]
Now, if you'll look out the left side of your train, you'll see the right side of the train…
SAServo [as Scorpion]
Mmm-mmm! Canned people. Mmm. Scorpions just love trains.
[The passengers flee the train.]
JAJoel [as Company Rep]
Uh, we at Amtrak would like to apologize for any inconvenience it might have caused… This rarely ever happens.
[Dr. Ernhardt calls Joel, with a visibly mutated head]
What happened to you?
We, uh, had a little mishap in the lab this week; we were trying to make a cold fusion Walkman and I don't know what happened; but... well, you can see what happened.
[after Joel presents their Invention Exchange]
Are you alright, Clay?
[reduced to a talking skeleton in his lab coat] Yes, Larry; remember- it's all in the name of science.
[much later after Joel reads audience letters]
I think the swelling is going down.
Yes; and I think you should file this. [hands Ernhardt paperwork as he walks off, and Forrester addresses Joel once more] Until next time, Mr. Skin on Weiner.
[Hank and Artur investigate around an abandoned house and find the corpse of a police officer hanging in the tree branches]
CCrow
[as Bob Barker] What's behind this tree? It's a dead cop!
[as Game Show Announcer] Yes, Bob; it's a 1953 Seniora Policia, complete with .38 snub-nosed revolver, dilated pupils, and rigor-mortis. You too will sleep soundly in your very own Seniora Policia!
[adding a "prize disclaimer"] From Spiegel Catalog, Chicago, IL, 60609.
[as the scorpion attacks outside of town and causes chaos] It's Crazy Days! We're slashing and dashing prices! Yes, all giant scorpions get in free; free hot dogs and balloons for the kids. Yes, come on down and visit me in coke jail; I'm in coke prison! Get me out; get me out! Come on down to Crazy Days, this Sunday!
S1Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 1 (short)
[two thugs hired by the Moon Men try to sneak behind Cody whilst he is working in his lab]
Oh, I'd hate to shoot a butt like that!
[Commando Cody flies across the moon surface, surveying the terrain]
Hey, the moon looks just like Arizona, you guys!
S1The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (movie)
[as Popaca reveals himself as the titular Aztec Mummy] I am not an animal; I am a Aztec Mummy!
[as Popoca wanders through the cemetary]
CCrow
Hey, look; Peter Graves!
Who's buried in Peter's grave?
James Arness!
[from a distance in a cemetery, Dr. Krupp and his scarred henchman Bruno observe the Aztec Mummy of Popoca]
BBruno
[of Popoca] You stinkin' devil! How I'd like to chop your rotten flesh to pieces!
Bruno, stop letting hate run your life.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.