[Two sailors enter the club.]
SAServo [as Maître D']
Ah yes, Mr. Geffen is expecting you.
S8Overdrawn at the Memory Bank
[as the Fat Man arrives on scene]
Ah! Hitler! ... or, a guy in a car.
FMFat Man
Mr. Fingal!
Santa!
FMFat Man
I see I'm on time.
RRick
For what, Fat Man?
FMFat Man
I've taken the liberty of arranging for some papers for you, uh, passport, exit visa, that sort of thing.
CACrow [as Fat Man]
And I'm big-boned, by the way.
FMFat Man
Your most recent reports were very positive, Mr. Fingal.
RRick
Isn't that just great?
FMFat Man
It would be very wise to think of traveling, and enjoying yourself.
RRick
Is that what you're gonna do, Fingal? Enjoy yourself?
Lay off, will you Rick?
MAMike [as Fingal]
Let's just get through the movie.
I don't have to be a big man. It was crazy of me to try reprogramming the HX368.
FMFat Man
Luckily you stopped in time.
[a plane starts nearby]
Da-dum da-dada-DIE! Da-dum da-dada-CRAP!
WWoman
Come on, Fingal! The plane is leaving!
RRick
You're gonna spend the rest of your life playing it straight?
It's my only chance!
FMFat Man
If you'd made anymore trouble for them, Mr. Fingal, they would have been forced to erase your existence here. That would have been most unfortunate.
Yeah? Well maybe I would have found my own way to get out.
[the Fat Man laughs]
CACrow [as Fat Man]
Oops! Sorry, burped up a capon.
RRick
... you think he's can't do it?
FMFat Man
I think he's a fool to risk everything for his silly games.
RRick
I guess that was what he was doing.
The hell I was!
[gasp] Mike, he said "hell!"
FMFat Man
Your plane, Mr. Fingal. You don't want to miss it!
RRick
There's nothing more boring than playing it safe, Fingal.
FMFat Man
[opening his car] Let me accompany you to the plane, Mr. Fingal.
Shut up, Fat Man!
MAMike [as Fingal]
You... you anteater!
Better safe than dead, Rick.
RRick
That's a matter of opinion.
FMFat Man
Mr. Fingal, they're ready for takeoff!
[throwing the papers at the Fat Man] HERE, FAT MAN, YOU TAKE THE TRIP!
SAServo [as Fingal]
And yes, there's a meal.
MY COMPLIMENTS.
FMFat Man
... You're a very foolish man, Mr. Fingal.
CCrow
Lot of face.
FMFat Man
From now on, whatever happens is your responsibility. Is that clear? [signals his driver to leave]
CACrow [as Fat Man]
To Wendy's!
S8Agent for H.A.R.M.
AAdam
I'm not leaving until I get the answers, do I make myself clear?
SAServo [as Dr. Stefanik]
Ah, let me review... you're going to leave right now, because you can't get the answers.
SDr. Stefanik
Yes. You've made yourself quite clear. [Walks away.]
CACrow [as Dr. Stefanik]
I'll go get the cot.
[Mike returns to the theater after choking Bobo within an inch of his life.]
CCrow
Mike, why were you choking the monkey?
Because Bobo is such... HEY!!
S8Riding with Death (movie)
[Driscoll is explaining security procedures surrounding a secret shipment while incessantly cleaning his glasses. Servo makes glass-wiping noises throughout.]
MAMike [as Driscoll]
What is on these things?
DDriscoll
The operation to deliver will begin at precisely oh-five-hundred hours when an Army convoy will depart the laboratory. But...
CACrow [as Driscoll]
I have to clean my glasses first.
DDriscoll
Due to the security breach, and just between the four of us...
SAServo [as Driscoll]
My glasses are filthy!
S9The Projected Man
[Pearl complains to Brain Guy about the mysterious whispering in the castle.]
Well, it's not me, Pearl! I'm sensing the presence of several disembodied souls… [increasingly melodramatically] wandering these dark halls in search of surcease, an end to their endless night… a howl of quiet desperation… towards an indifferent universe. Nepenthe! Nepenthe!
You are so gay.
I could be wrong.
[Steiner turns on the projecting machine, making numerous high-pitched sci-fi noises]
MMan
What's he doing?
CCrow
Oh, he's just doing his patented incredibly-annoying sound effect routine!
[Dr. Hill narrowly avoids colliding with a car outside a laboratory]
HDr. Hill
You better watch where you're going!
Pretty you may be!
[A security guard approaches the woman's car and murmurs something]
CACrow [as Guard]
Uh, he said "Pretty you may be!", ma'am. I'm not sure what he meant!
. . .
[Dr. Hill drives away]
Uh... driving she may be!
[Dr. Hill is parking her car]
CCrow
Ah parking! What a great way to establish character and create tension!
[The car's engine makes odd noises]
An exhaust system she may need!
[British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.]
PSProf. Steiner
Laser Preheat!
Laser Pre-Heat… in!
CACrow [as Prof. Steiner]
Grease and flour cake pans!
PSProf. Steiner
Laser Emission Relay.
Laser Emission Relay… on!
SAServo [as Prof. Steiner]
Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… sucks!
Are we not blokes?
PSProf. Steiner
Relay One.
Relay One… in!
SAServo [as Prof. Steiner]
Really dumb scene… end!
[Virtually identical re-creation of projection scene.]
CCrow
Yes! It's the same thing you've seen before! Only it's...happening again!
[A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.]
TThief
Gloria?
MAMike [as Thief]
G-L-O-R-I-A?
TThief
Gloria!
SAServo [as Thief]
In excelsis Deo!
TThief
Gloria!
CACrow [as Thief]
I hear they got your number.
[Police are investigating Latham's murder.]
IDInspector Davis
Can I get on?
Servo: [as Dr. Mitchel] Well, he's dead, but knock yourself out.
[The movie ends with Paul destroying the laboratory, and eventually himself with the projection laser]
CCrow
Well, this is kind of an ambiguous ending. Is this film horrible or did it merely suck?
Yeah! Now that I have seen it, do I want to kick a dog or a cat?
CCrow
Do I want the director just killed or should he be tortured first?
Crow!
. . .
[The last shot of the movie shows the screen covered in flames.]
CCrow
Ah, so the movie and all the actors in it roast in Hell!!
[Mike and the 'bots cheer loudly]
S9The Phantom Planet
[Over footage of an atomic bomb test]
CCrow
Grandpa tried to use the microwave again.
Pat Buchanan's first day as President.
MMakonnen
You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful...
CACrow [as Chapman]
Don't hit him...
MMakonnen
...if you just take the time to look at it.
You're some guy, Makonnen.
. . .
MAMike [as Makonnen]
You know, Captain...
CACrow [as Chapman]
Shut up, Ray.
. . .
[Chapman has just landed his ship solo]
Mike [as Chapman] Wow, how did I manage to land without that mincing co-pilot jabbering on about the good and the beautiful?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.