[After losing much of his oxygen during a space walk, Frank Chapman stumbles back into the ship's cockpit in a daze.]
SAServo [as Chapman, sickly]
Ohh, I'm gonna puke and it's gonna float around!
S9The Phantom Planet
[Chapman starts having echoing auditory flashbacks to earlier parts of the movie. Mike and the bots' join the fun]
Congratulations, Ms. Astronaut, it's a boy!...boy...boy...
Wake up Frank! You wet the bed!...bed...bed...
CCrow
Frank, you'll have to take third grade again!...ain...ain
Frank, this is Northwest Collection Agency. Do you value your credit rating?...rating...rating...
CCrow
I'm afraid you're not 7-Eleven timber, Frank...Frank...Frank...
You're the worst party clown we ever had!...had...had...
[After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.]
JEJudge Eden
Man from Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people.
I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself.
SAServo [as Chapman]
…with courage and nudeness.
[Chapman is confused by Eden's explanation of how his ship was landed.]
I don't understand.
SSessom
There are many things you will not understand here…
CACrow [as Sessom]
…being an obvious doorknob.
[Chapman is being tried while two women stand off to the side]
Look! Rose and Valerie, screaming from the gallery!
[The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.]
JEJudge Eden
The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man.
SAServo [as Jury]
[cheering]
We find him GUILTY! GUILTY!
G-U-I-L … T-Y!
Guilty! Guilty!
G-U-I-L … T-Y!
Whoo! Yaaaay!
[Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.]
LLiara
You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size.
CCrow
So people are just balloons?
CCrow
You know, this is almost as good as 2001... nails driven into your eyes!
[During another flashback sequence...]
CCrow
We didn't like these scenes the first time!
. . .
[The flashback includes a moment that only happened a few scenes earlier.]
CCrow
No fair! You can't flash back to stuff we saw ten seconds ago!
[Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.]
WWhite
Chapman! Chapman!
SAServo [as White]
You got any gum?
WWhite
Where's Makonnen?
He's dead. Gone.
MAMike [as Chapman]
He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock.
[The rescue ship flies away from Rheton]
Now they'll never believe me...
MAMike [as Chapman]
[Unemotionally] I'll have to kill them all.
S9Werewolf
[Mike is lagging behind, so Servo and Crow enter the theater alone. Title card is shown.]
I don't know, you had him last! [laughs]
CCrow
You can't say that! You're gonna get in trouble! That's a really stupid joke, and I'm gonna tell Mike!
Ha-ha, I don't care, what's Mike gonna do, anyway? [laughs]
[Mike enters.]
Hey, guys.
[screams] YAH!
CCrow
Mike, the title came up and it said Werewolf, and then Servo said "I don't know, you had him last!" And...and I...I think that was a really stupid joke...
[chuckles] Ah, well, that's pretty funny, I like that!
Thank you!
CCrow
[backpedaling] Heeeey, that's what I meant! I...I like it.
[Mike finishes chuckling]
CCrow
[sighs, defeated] Good one, Servo.
[gloating] Well, thank you! [chuckles]
[A group is sweeping in the sand during an archaeological dig in the desert.]
BBilly
Hey, I got something here!
CCrow
It's Ron!
[Yuri breaks into a massive brawl with the other archaeologists.]
CCrow
Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Archaeologists!
. . .
CCrow
It's a production of Road House in the Park.
. . .
And during the fight, they stomped all over the Ark of the Covenant.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.