[Over footage of an atomic bomb test]
CCrow
Grandpa tried to use the microwave again.
Pat Buchanan's first day as President.
“The Phantom Planet” · Season 9
In this episode: Crow T. Robot (7), Tom Servo (5), Mike Nelson (5), Chapman (5)
MMakonnen
You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful...
CACrow [as Chapman]
Don't hit him...
MMakonnen
...if you just take the time to look at it.
You're some guy, Makonnen.
. . .
MAMike [as Makonnen]
You know, Captain...
CACrow [as Chapman]
Shut up, Ray.
. . .
[Chapman has just landed his ship solo]
Mike [as Chapman] Wow, how did I manage to land without that mincing co-pilot jabbering on about the good and the beautiful?
[After losing much of his oxygen during a space walk, Frank Chapman stumbles back into the ship's cockpit in a daze.]
SAServo [as Chapman, sickly]
Ohh, I'm gonna puke and it's gonna float around!
[Chapman starts having echoing auditory flashbacks to earlier parts of the movie. Mike and the bots' join the fun]
Congratulations, Ms. Astronaut, it's a boy!...boy...boy...
Wake up Frank! You wet the bed!...bed...bed...
CCrow
Frank, you'll have to take third grade again!...ain...ain
Frank, this is Northwest Collection Agency. Do you value your credit rating?...rating...rating...
CCrow
I'm afraid you're not 7-Eleven timber, Frank...Frank...Frank...
You're the worst party clown we ever had!...had...had...
[After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.]
JEJudge Eden
Man from Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people.
I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself.
SAServo [as Chapman]
…with courage and nudeness.
[Chapman is confused by Eden's explanation of how his ship was landed.]
I don't understand.
SSessom
There are many things you will not understand here…
CACrow [as Sessom]
…being an obvious doorknob.
[Chapman is being tried while two women stand off to the side]
Look! Rose and Valerie, screaming from the gallery!
[The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.]
JEJudge Eden
The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man.
SAServo [as Jury]
[cheering]
We find him GUILTY! GUILTY!
G-U-I-L … T-Y!
Guilty! Guilty!
G-U-I-L … T-Y!
Whoo! Yaaaay!
[Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.]
LLiara
You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size.
CCrow
So people are just balloons?
CCrow
You know, this is almost as good as 2001... nails driven into your eyes!
[During another flashback sequence...]
CCrow
We didn't like these scenes the first time!
. . .
[The flashback includes a moment that only happened a few scenes earlier.]
CCrow
No fair! You can't flash back to stuff we saw ten seconds ago!
[Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.]
WWhite
Chapman! Chapman!
SAServo [as White]
You got any gum?
WWhite
Where's Makonnen?
He's dead. Gone.
MAMike [as Chapman]
He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock.
[The rescue ship flies away from Rheton]
Now they'll never believe me...
MAMike [as Chapman]
[Unemotionally] I'll have to kill them all.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.