Just because you lost your hair, doesn't mean you have to take it out on the planet.
“Fugitive Alien” · Season 3
In this episode: Crow T. Robot (9), Tom Servo (7), Joel Robinson (7), Ken (2), Mike Nelson (1), Joe (1), Rocky (1)
[In Deep 13, "Jack Perkins" introduces the movie, then continues to ramble.]
MNMike Nelson [as Jack Perkins]
Then, Joyce Carol Oates will be out to read from her wonderous new work of fiction, her… first novel in well over a month. Then… Peter, Paul, and Mary will be out to… give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Then Hume Cronyn [and] Jessica Tandy will be out to tell us… some poignant stories of the joys and sorrows of being… really, really… horribly old.
JCJoel, Crow, Servo
[singing]
This is the song written for the train chase.
This is the chase, Rocky and Ken!
He tried to kill me with a forklift…
Olé!
KKen
There's the ship... but how do I get aboard?
Go to the lumber yard! That's how you get a board!
[during the title sequence]
CCrow
Sandy Frank presents our own personal hell!
Indeed.
Who is that guy?
[as the film opens with an invasion fleet over a planet]
CCrow
Oh man, cool, this is just like episode 38 of Star Trek, the first season, but it doesn't have that same kind of-
No no no, it's like the star raider the Daleks had in the fifth generation of the Doctor Who, when they had the three Doctors together, and they had the one that looked like Mo-
CCrow
No, it's definitely like a Klingon!
Okay, that's good...
[as the fleet attacks a city]
CCrow
Oh, this is super cool, like that first episode of Battlestar Galactica when they have to leave the planet, and Jane Seymour got stabbed in the back!
No no no, it's like Invasion Earth- it's like Invasion Earth and they'll be like Zola babies when the fast source ships come in and they-
CCrow
Nuh-uh!
[as a big list of writers are appears]
CCrow
Why do they need so many writers?
Well, they needed one guy for the verbs, one guy for the nouns, some guys for the adjectives, you know, adverbs...
[as Ken flips through the air during the beginning attack]
Oh, it's an intriguing mix of genocide and modern dance.
CCrow
Hey, you're starting to sound like Jack Perkins, Joel.
[as Ken flees, after accidentally killing his own soldier]
CCrow
Just like that episode, where it was like the Nazi world on Star Trek.
No no no, it was like Doctor Who, when Tom Baker was the Doctor- I think he was the Fifth Doctor, and he was trying to save Neela from the Clite Masters.
That's enough.
CCrow
No, 'cause I saw it at a math tournament.
No, I saw- I saw it in the Who Festival. They had 12 hours...
KKen
I don't wanna die in the middle of nowhere!
JAJoel [as Ken]
I wanna die in the thong section of Victoria's Secret!
[as Ken is rescued by the crew of the Bacchus 3]
Oh, I remember this. This is just like in Marooned, when David Janssen goes to save Gene Hackman and James Franciscus in the derelict spaceship before the Soviet- the- the- the Soviet...
CCrow
Yeah, that's pretty cool.
Yeah, and the Soviet satellite comes up and...
Rocky, how often do I have to tell you, you should stop reading those science fiction novels?
CACrow [as Rocky]
[defensively] THEY'RE COMIC BOOKS!
[as the crew of Bacchus 3 discusses what to do about Ken, while Captain Joe drinks from a flask]
Captain, anyone can make a mistake, just as long as you don't keep on repeating it. I think we should get rid of Ken.
CACrow [as Joe]
Which one?
TTammy
I disagree. Have you already forgotten? Ken saved our lives! I think he deserves another chance. Don't you agree?
Okay.
Man of firm convictions...
I guess you're right. I'll take him back on one condition...
JAJoel [as Rocky]
You stop drinking, and start going to meetings.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.