[Over the title screen]
CCrow
Because you're bad at math?
“The Skydivers” · Season 6
In this episode: Mike Nelson (20), Crow T. Robot (17), Tom Servo (9), Joe (5), Harry (4), Suzy (3), Beth (2), Bob (1)
No students' arms were harmed in the making of this film.
[The short is a Centron production.]
Thank you, Centron!
[We are brought to a dull and rather gloomy industrial arts course in progress.]
CCrow
[after several seconds of silence] Depressed yet?
JVJoe [voiceover]
You know, it's fun to have an idea.
MAMike [as Joe]
There, wasn't that fun?
[In voiceover, industrial arts nerd Joe talks about his beloved craft.]
JJoe
And you know, I like the feel of a board moving smoothly against a sharp saw.
MAMike [as Joe]
[luridly] ...then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood...
JJoe
I like the smell of fresh wood chips and sawdust...
SAServo [as Joe]
[nervously] I put them in my underwear!
JJoe
...the bright glare of a welder...
CACrow [as Joe]
[wobbily] I like to sneak in and lay on the table saw!
SAServo [as Joe]
Yes!
JJoe
...the sharp whine of the power tools…
MAMike [as Joe]
...the piercing scream of a freshman…
JJoe
...or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather.
CACrow [as Joe]
[wobbily] Tap ta-tap-tap... I keep Popular Mechanics under my mattress!
The feeling of chaps with no pants!
JJoe
...A wrench...
Let it go, man! Shop class was a long time ago! It's OVER!
JJoe
...A plane...
CACrow [as Joe]
[haltingly] These tools are my friends!
JJoe
...or a chisel...
What about girls young man? Girls?
No, no, chisels!
JJoe
Of course, I don't know if I'd ever tell my buddies all this. 'Cuz, well, sometimes they laugh when you tell them things like that.
CACrow [as Joe]
Then they pants you and drag you around the track…
[Joe's buddy admires a piece of Joe's handywork.]
JSJoe's buddy
Wow, you made this?
MAMike [as Joe]
I'm making it for the Grand Wizard.
JSJoe's buddy
Ya know, this looks as good as furniture you'd buy in a store.
JJoe
It ought to, it's taken me long enough to make it.
JSJoe's buddy
Kinda slow, huh?
JJoe
Yeah, but I've learned after making this one that I can probably make another in about half the time.
CACrow [as Joe]
Still, your Mexicans do it real cheap.
JSJoe's buddy
How'd ya like this shop class, Joe?
JJoe
I like it swell. Why?
[Scene cuts to Joe's big eared buddy]
SAServo [as Joe's buddy]
Could you staple my ears back?
[Mr. Barnes is in the middle of explaining the importance of taking an industrial arts course to Joe. However, his speech is monotonous, and he speaks haltingly.]
BMr. Barnes
[We'll need] carpenters.
SAServo [as Mr. Barnes]
[woodenly] We'll need actors. People who can read. Lines with... and interact with others.
. . .
[Mr. Barnes continues explaining over a shot of the inside of a foundry.]
BMr. Barnes
[We'll need] foundry men.
[singing] Oh, you never would believe where those Keebler cookies come from...
BMr. Barnes
Tool operators.
CSCrow, Servo
[singing] Tool operator . . . tooooooool operator . . .
[As the short ends]
CCrow
This is the film the boys had to watch and the girls had to go to the gym and watch the other film!
The Skydivers (movie)
SSuzy
Is Frankie here?
BBeth
Frankie's not here.
Frankie goes to Hollywood.
BBeth
Would you like some coffee?
JMJoe Moss
Coffee?
CACrow [as Joe]
What is this "coffee"?
JMJoe Moss
[stiltedly] I like coffee!
BBeth
Well, good!
And thus we peer into the complex inner workings of this character.
. . .
[Beth and Joe walk across the airfield]
SAServo [as Joe]
Where is it, your "coffee"?
[The plane Beth is in starts to malfunction before it even leaves the ground]
CCrow
Terror at Sea-level.
[giggling] More terrifying than Airport '77!
[Harry pulls his hugely coiffed wife Beth out of the malfunctioning plane.]
What happened?
MAMike [as Beth]
I saw my hair in the mirror and I panicked!
[Beth looks on as Harry [played by Tony Cardoza] straps on a parachute in what appears to be the middle of a desert field.]
MAMike [as Beth]
Uh, I think you'll need the plane, too, Tony.
Bob, you ready?
BBob
[off-camera] Sure, Harry!
[Cut to a parachuted man making his way out from the back of a deep hangar.]
Wait! He- he- he was there, and now we g-- the plane was--!
[sputters unintelligibly]
CCrow
Someone with attention deficit disorder edited this film.
. . .
[A helmeted Harry climbs into the unmarked, unnumbered white plane.]
CCrow
What's the point of a helmet in skydiving? In case you land on your head?
Generic Plane. Cheaper than other planes.
. . .
[Poofy-haired Beth watches Harry take off.]
CCrow
Honey, even if a hairstyle is "in," it may not be the right one for you...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.