Narrator quotes from Mystery Science Theater 3000

And so... the end of a perfect day.

An entire day spent grooming.

And you...

Jezebel!

...by following these simple rules of body care and grooming, you too will [have] that quality of appearance, that feeling of well-being, so important to make your dreams of happiness come true.

And remember--when you touch yourself, the saints cry. Goodnight.

Joel

KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS! KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS!

You're next!

Servo

[sarcastically] Oh, let's not forget these guys!

How would you answer this question for Liz and Andrew? Peggy and Joey?

Servo

Bob and Carol? Ted and Alice?

How can you tell? Is this love?

You have ten minutes to answer the question starting now.

Mike

And, now stay tuned for the Clarance Thomas-Anita Hill hearing.

No animals were hurt during the filming of this movie.

Servo

"How Much Affection?"

"When Should I Marry?"

Mike

"Know Your Ointments"

Servo

"What's That Down There?"

"When He Wants It Rough"

Mike

"Procreation, Not Recreation"

Servo

"Oh No, Pleasure!"

"McClintock!"

And right there in front of you sat your pal Mary, with her head chock full of all the answers you needed.

Split it open now!

You thought about it. There you were, desperate, and there was your salvation within arm's reach.

Servo

On a doily.

So you decided to take a chance.

[loudly] Pssst! Hey, Mary! What's the answer?

Was there a shadow of doubt in Miss Grandy's face as she handed back your paper?

Or was it lust?

Somehow, that odd little look Miss Grandy gave you seemed to haunt you.

Oh, hi Miss Grandy-- EAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAH! GET AWAY!

And most of all, your new job as student council representative.

I envision a cheating wing!

But did John truly intend to be dishonest?

Servo

Or was he just pure evil?

[singing] Ho, ho, ho, ho, staying alive, staying alive...

[singing along] I love him, I love him, and where he goes, I'll follow...

Servo

[singing] We are forced to sing...

Hey, could we move on to a country with some rhythm?

Boys and girls from England.

...have rotten teeth.

Feel it! Get down with your bad Santa self!

Japan also helps Santa.

By investing in his toy corporation, they now own Santa lock, stock, and barrel.

Talented children from the Orient.

...are not here today.

Mike

Um, uh, you're dancing on my keyboard.

[singing] Get it on in the morning now!

Even Russia has a delegation.

Currently under surveillance by the CIA.

Santa makes them work 16 hours a day for $2 an hour.

The group from France.

Servo

...stinks to high heaven!

Klink, you are a terrible singer!

You're absolutely right! I am a terrible singer!

How would you like to sing at the Russian front?

Well, my father was a very famous conductor...

Shut up!

Mike

I just wanna know one thing: When are Donny and Marie coming through the door?

Here's a happy song from Italy.

Servo

[sings random Italian gibberish]

So is this neorealism?

Okay, we're gonna whack Santa. He's trying to muscle in on the Easter Bunny's turf.

Mike

Okay, great. You've offended everyone now.

The islands of the Caribbean.

Mike

...have nothing to do with this movie.

Legalize it, mon!

Mike

[singing] Get up, stand up, stand up for your rights...

Next up in the junior vocalist category: Thailand!

The South American group includes Brazil and Argentina.

Mike

And a few other countries not worth mentioning right now.

Ho! Santa's doing the forbidden dance!

The countries of Central America.

Mike

...are a threat to Santa's vital security interests.

Servo

Hey, those are the same kids from the other countries! They'll be playing the Egyptians next.

Hooray!

Mike

Yay! USA! Woo!

The children of the USA.

...are too spoiled and lazy to help Santa. There, that makes it better.

A neighborly group of children from Mexico.

...are over-accessorized.

Don't listen to him, Lupita! It's bad to steal, and you'll be sorry!

Ah, the classic battle between evil and the narrator.

That's right, Lupita, put it back.

Way to defeat Satan, honey.

[muttering angrily to himself] Curses! Wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-Curses!

Mike

[bewildered] Oh, don't ever do that again.

[as Santa's sleigh is flying in the sky] I wonder where Santa will go first? Europe? Africa? America?

Servo

Circle Pines?

And now, a glamorous dancer and a special number: "Dance of Tomorrow"!

Chorus Line 2: The Wrath of Chaka Khan!

Everyone says the future is strange, but I have a feeling some things won't change.

Give us Cyd Charisse!

While she's dancing, the Japanese are making great cars.

Cindy Williams is Twyla Tharp as Isadora Duncan in The Meredith Monk Story: A One-Woman Show!

Co-starring Tom Bosley.

As Bosley.

With Jackie Gleason, Audrey Meadows...

Bonnie and Clyde's death car!

With Art Carney and Joyce Randolph...

Fonzie's death car.

Ay.

Pregnant woman and schnauzer optional.

Entire production supervised by Jackie Gleason.

Servo

The "Closed Three Plants" car.

Mike

Executive producer, Jack Philbin.

The Schick electric razor car!

Costume by Emilio of Capri!

Unfettered avarice by Madison Avenue!

...in The Honeymooners!

GRRR! RRRRrrrR!

Clown suit by Bargain Clown of Hollywood.

You, the ice cream manufacturer.

Up against the wall! Spread 'em!

You...

Mike

Me?

...the frozen food distributor.

Servo

Ben and Jerry before Woodstock.

And you, the food retailer.

These three people will square off against--

Yes, today's problem is merchandising...

Mike

Over three kinds of vanilla!

...to sell in high volume, for high profit.

For high people.

Frozen products are impulse items...

Servo

I'll take it, I'll take it!

And impulse buying is primarily...

Mike

Women's fault.

...an emotional decision.

The market crashed!

Manufacturers spend millions on package design.

Yet, this is the result.